Sons Of Anarchy's Best Characters, Ranked By Who I'd Get Drunk With

It feels like an eternity since Sons of Anarchy aired its final episode. Or maybe it just feels like an eternity since the last time I said, "Goddammit, Jax," out loud. Whichever one, these are characters that I'll likely forever miss, and there will always be that fictional regret that I can never kick back and pound a few with anybody on the show. But that doesn't mean I can't harbor these delusions in list form, right?

With some swing in my step and a minute slur in my voice, I present the ten Sons of Anarchy characters that I'd like to get drunk with the most. You'll notice Juice nor Tara are on this list, as I'd have to already be shithoused in order to hang out with them in the first place; I don't need sob stories and fake pregnancies in my life right now. There are only light spoilers, since I'm pretending no one died, and anything you read will probably be forgotten anyway if you take a shot for each entry on the list. Who cares if it's only 10 a.m.? Teller-Morrow is open for business, and Damon Pope is buying!


10. Jax

Booze of Choice: Cheap Beer, Funneled

Jax is one of the least laid back characters on this show, so much so that his Serta sleep number is "Stockton cot." As such, I can't imagine he would be the easiest person to share some drinks with. I'd choose to go for broke and just start funneling beers with him, as time is of the essence, because there's a damned good chance he would have to leave right in the middle of it to go take care of something somewhere else. Not, like, his kids or anything. Never that. After a 12-pack or so, I'd talk him into letting me read his manifesto, and I'd doodle in the margins.


9. Nero

Booze of Choice: The Clearest Tequila

An awesome day: Nero swings by my house in his Impala with a trunk full of whatever kinds of tequila that you have to know a guy who knows a guy to get a hold of, and then we head to Diosa to talk about his prime Byz Lats days. Okay, so there's a good chance that I might interrupt him to have a quick "chat" with Colette. (I didn't mean quick, I swears.) And since I have a hard time pounding tequila without spending at least part of my night bringing it all back out, I'd get Nero to call Alvarez over so I could puke in his boots.


8. Happy

Booze of Choice: Absinthe

When it comes to a character like Happy, whose psychoses and eccentricities are presumably too numerous to count, the only option is to pick a liquor that hits ridiculously hard, and one with a flavor abysmal enough to cover up the taste of the mushroom tea that he undoubtedly snuck in there. Considering how little we really know about Happy and his history, I have to assume that getting trashed with him would end with my cheeks hurting from laughing so much, as well as me having to throw away all of my clothes because of all the strangers' blood on them.


7. Ethan Zobelle

Booze of Choice: Hennessy

Welcome to the wild card choice. I'd slap a bald-cap on my head to pick the American Nationalist Zobelle up, and I'd spend a while sipping Hennessy while delivering a faux Jerry Seinfeld-esque line of dialogue like, "What is the deal with black people?" And then, after I know he's good and liquored up, I'd break the bottle over his head and slice his throat open with the dullest shard of glass I could find. He's the biggest piece of shit that ever got away from SAMCRO relatively scot-free, and it'd be worth drunkenly hearing his intelli-garbage to change that.


6. Gemma

Booze of Choice: Dirty Martinis

The first rule of getting shitty with Gemma: wear a carving fork-proof helmet. The second rule of getting shitty with Gemma: make sure you're far away from any desk-corners and table-corners that would make for good nose-smashing targets. Third rule: lose all aversions to being called a gash. Once you get past all that, I'm dead certain that getting three sheets with Gemma would be a blast. I have a feeling I'd spend part of the evening trying to get her birds to talk, even if they're not the right kind. And no, you can't come over, Wayne.


5. Venus Van Dam

Booze of Choice: Vodka Out of a Boot

Never has a Sons of Anarchy character made such a huge impact with so little screen time. (Okay, I guess the kid that shot up his school did, but that's hardly worth offering cheers to.) Venus Van Dam is the transgender apple of Tig's eye, and she's just too interesting to leave behind. Her history with her mother is beyond bizarre, and I'm guessing most of the stories she told NEED to be accompanied by a stiff drink. I admit that a lot of this has to do with my fascination with actor Walton Goggins, so if it's not completely out of the question or concept of reality, I'd also like to call Boyd Crowder over. He can drink Woodford.


4. Opie

Booze of Choice: Moonshine

While getting hammered on moonshine with Opie would run the risk of heading in the direction of Donna-centric conversation, I have a feeling there's a sweet spot when he gets past all that and becomes a fun person again. We'd play "Hide the Egg in the Beard" and "Pin the Pitchfork to Clay's Face," among other party games. And while they weren't necessarily invited, I wouldn't mind if Piney and Lyla stopped by, particularly if the latter had just made a porn spoof of Phantom of the Opera or something. (Yeah, I know she wasn't making them at that point.)


3. Chibs

Booze of Choice: Scotch

While I don't necessarily condone drinking and driving cross-country, I'd want to spend a day sipping scotch with Chibs in his homeland. I've never been to Ireland or Scotland, and the only proper way I can think of to do it is by having Chibs as the shitfaced tour guide. If a day of sightseeing turned into a night of throwing rocks at Jimmy O'Phelan's house and face, or setting Galen O'Shay on fire and putting him out with scotch-soaked urine, I think I'd consider that high-quality entertainment. Plus, he's nice enough that he'd probably forgive me for repeatedly asking him in a Joker-voice where he got his scars.


2. Tig

Booze of Choice: Long Island Iced Tea with Extra Shots of Everything

Everyone in the world probably wants to get drunk with Tig, as he's certainly the most oddball character on Sons of Anarchy, increasingly more so as time goes on. Getting blotto with Tig would presumably mean mixing all of the alcohol in the room into one drink, having my head shoved into his crotch at least a dozen times, hearing about all of the people and places he's stuck his dick in, and...well, probably a bunch of other penis-related things. That's just how Tig rolls. The only thing we would definitely not be doing is roasting girl-shaped marshmallows over an open fire.


1. Bobby

Booze of Choice: $200 Bourbon

It's not just that Bobby was an Elvis impersonator. It's not just that Bobby probably always has a couple of fiyah joints on him. It's not just that Bobby is one of the only people that I'd gladly allow to drink me under the table. (The voting table, obviously.) It's the combination of all of that, and then some. Bobby was by far Sons of Anarchy's most level-headed character, with an eye always on the positive side of things. And that's the best person to get drunk with. And he'd understand if I spent an hour trying to talk him into doing my taxes.

Nick Venable
Assistant Managing Editor

Nick is a Cajun Country native, and is often asked why he doesn't sound like that's the case. His love for his wife and daughters is almost equaled by his love of gasp-for-breath laughter and gasp-for-breath horror. A lifetime spent in the vicinity of a television screen led to his current dream job, as well as his knowledge of too many TV themes and ad jingles.