TV Recap: Gossip Girl - Bonfire Of The Vanity

“I came here to have Robin clear your schedule for the game. Apparently you already have a date.”

So we’ve got a whole bunch of Chuck’s daddy issues this week. It’s like he’s an evil little puppy who keeps on getting kicked. He takes the liberty of buying season tickets to the Rangers as a way to bond with his father, whom he has apparently never met before. I say this because Chuck seems surprised when Bart curtly tells him that his efforts are misguided and he doesn’t have time for hockey.

Unfortunately for Chuck, what his dad was trying to say is that he doesn’t have time to go to a hockey game with him. As soon as Dan Humphrey waltzes in and shows a modicum of interest in the construction industry, Bart invites him to a game.

Chuck, upon finding out that his father chose Dan over him, goes into scheming mode to find out what Dan’s up to. It doesn’t take him long to discover that Dan is writing yet another of his famous stories, although it turns out that this one is straight up non-fiction. It’s a lovely little tale of a man who owned a building and burned it down for the insurance money, killing a man inside.

Dan confronts Bart about this and Chuck steps in once again, trying to rescue his family from ruin. Dan initially decides that he can’t let this go, since a man died and all, but apparently is eventually won over by Chuck’s puppy dog eyes. Instead of contacting the authorities about what really happened back in ’87, Dan gives Bart the original short story he wrote so he can understand how Chuck feels.

Okay, sing it with me: and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon...

The ending is awkwardly heartwarming, as Bart tells Chuck that he never blamed him for his mother’s death, but can’t be around him because he reminds him of her. He then apologizes and takes him to that hockey game. I guess it’s nice and all, but seeing an entire episode in which Chuck Bass just mopes around is highly disconcerting.

“It’s only a matter of time before he’s all into cubism and it’s some other girl’s eye coming out of her forehead.”

Serena is still boring us with her relationship with Aaron. He’s gone around acting like they’re in the middle of a romantic comedy by taking her to all of his favorite places in the city. He caps this off by getting her on one of the jumbotrons in Times Square, so he can “show her to the city.” Barf.

Serena naturally thinks that this means he’s pretty into her, so when he asks her to model for him, she accepts. The next day, he makes this installation filled with images of her, but apparently that’s just his way of saying, “hey baby, can you get out of here? I’ve got to do it some other girl now and you’re cramping my style.”

When Serena confronts him later about this, he basically acts like a condescending jackwad and actually says, “I don’t know how they do it in high school.” Serena, however, instead of just smacking him in the face and saying, “this is how we do it in high school, bitch,” convinces herself that she can have an open relationship. I’m sure I’m not exactly going out on a limb when I say that this will not end well. Also? I want Evil Serena back, because this Serena sucks ass.

“I wanted a Harry Winston choker for my birthday. Instead I got a conscience.”

Chuck isn’t the only one getting all touchy-feely this episode. Blair’s heart apparently grew 10 sizes as well. After her mother chooses a completely inappropriate man to date (he’s short! And he’s a hugger!) Blair immediately starts to try and find ways to break them up. When she stumbles upon the fact that he cheated on his first wife, she tells her mother, who immediately breaks up with him.

Of course, what Blair doesn’t tell her mother is that when Cyrus fell in love with a woman who wasn’t his wife, he immediately told her, only to find out that the woman he loved was killed. Cyrus and his wife split up, leaving Cyrus with no one.

When Blair does grow a conscience, she finds out that Cyrus actually played her. He knew that she would tell her mother about his cheating, and he also knew that he could play on her emotions by getting Cyndi Lauper to come play her 18th birthday party. Blair is impressed by the fact that he’s got a little bit of evil under his (very short) nice guy exterior and brings him back up to tell her mother the truth.

Everything seems to have worked out for the best, until Eleanor tells Blair that Cyrus is going to move in. Blair is not excited about the prospect of having a new daddy… even if he was in The Princess Bride.

“These dresses are mine! They’re my entire future!”

Oh, Little J. She’s left the Humphrey household and has moved in with Agnes and her mother. She and Agnes have been trying all week to find a business manager, but Agnes is a crazy cuckoo pants and keeps on ruining all of their meetings.

When Jenny strikes out on her own, Agnes decides to strike back by destroying all of Jenny’s dresses. It’s actually kind of amazing. Agnes comes out of her apartment with the dresses, walks across the street, places them in a garbage can, douses them with lighter fluid, takes out a book of matches, struggles to light a match, walks back to the garbage can and then finally drops the lit match onto the pile of clothes. Jenny screams at her throughout this entire process but doesn’t do anything to actually stop her. Something like, you know, blow out the match.

Little J’s lack of common sense and survival skills worries me a little bit, as it turns out that the only way she can get her business off the ground is by emancipating herself from her parents. Oh, boy. I can just see the poor girl wandering out into traffic and just screaming at it to stop instead of stepping back onto the curb. This isn’t going to end well.