Until last week, I’d never been on a riverboat dinner cruise. My defense is pretty simple. I was never in my life knowingly in close proximity to a riverboat dinner cruise, and while I was vaguely aware that these sorta things existed, it never once registered as a possible activity I should investigate doing. It may as well have been yodeling or being in that cage with sharks around. But then I went to Branson, Missouri and was offered tickets to a riverboat dinner cruise.
I obviously went, both because I like saying yes to things and because I’d already gone thirty-five years of my life without being offered tickets. It could easily be another thirty-five years before the opportunity fell in my lap again, and to be honest, I don’t exercise enough to take that risk. So, I embarked on the Showboat Branson Belle on a Wednesday evening in late March, and I’m happy to report I not only survived the two hour and change slow-moving drift through Table Rock Lake, I had the weirdest and most delightful time.
Here’s a rundown of many of the thoughts I typed into my phone while aboard, as well as some reflections a week or so later, which should help you decide whether this sorta thing would be the right fit for you and your family…
I Was On Fire Playing Bags/ Cornhole Before The Cruise
Just a quick note here so the record is as accurate as possible before I jump into everything else. There were a few sets of cornhole set out in the waiting area near where you board the ship. I stopped and played for about fifteen or twenty minutes, and I was cooking. I maybe slid off the board three or four times total and was putting it straight in the hole at least forty percent of the time. A couple little kids were watching me, and they were clearly impressed and probably wished I was their cool older brother. No big deal. Just clearly an important part of the story you need to be aware of.
The Scenic Views Are Really Peaceful And Relaxing
You would think the biggest takeaways from going on a showboat dinner cruise would be related to the show and/ or the food. We’ll get to that stuff in a minute, but the single best moments I had on the boat involved sitting on deck chairs and taking in the gorgeous Ozark views. The cruise allowed passengers almost an hour after dinner and before the show to wander around. My wife and I found some deck chairs on the top level, and we spent almost the whole time staring at the mountains above and the tranquil water below. I could have sat there for hours.
It turns out all that peace is at least partially due to the military having full control over the lake and only giving out permits to a small number of boats. So, if you envision what the more touristy areas of Florida look like during Spring Break, this is the opposite, at least if you ignore your fellow passengers on the boat.
My Chicken Was Shockingly Well Cooked
The Showboat Branson Belle, which is run by the same folks as theme park Silver Dollar City which just opened the all-new Fire In The Hole, offers passengers two different options. You can either pay for preferred balcony seating and more extensive menu options, or you can take general admission and get a duo of chicken and pot roast with mashed potatoes, green beans, a salad and a desert. I’m a man of the people and went with the general admission, and to my absolute shock, my chicken was moist and flavorful. I’m not saying I expected the food to be bad. I expected it to be fine enough, but what I did not expect was a well-cooked chicken breast in a situation where 600 were being prepared at the same time.
The rest of the meal was also solid. I’m not saying it was the best food I had while I was on the trip, but as someone who visits a lot of theme parks, tourist traps and large events, you need to loudly celebrate anytime something’s pretty good.
There Is So Much Going On In The Show
The basic format of the evening is you board the boat and take your assigned seat in the dining area. Then, you have a salad and your entree while you watch a short video about Branson history and hear from the emcee who does some fun bits with the crowd. Then you get forty-five minutes or so to wander around the boat and take in the views before sitting down again and watching the big show. I didn’t really have a lot of preconceived thoughts as to what exactly the show would be, but I was struck by how much was happening and how fast paced it all was.
The cast included singers, dancers and a magician, all of whom changed out in quick intervals. So, we would get maybe a forty-five second song from one of the singers, then a thirty second dance routine, then a few minutes of magic and so on and so forth. The highlight for me was a rollicking nine minute number in which the cast belted out more than thirty-five songs from movies, complete with costume changes and dramatic energy shifts.
It’s Very Openly Patriotic And Christian
The majority of the show is a fun medley of secular pop hits and famous rock anthems, but be advised, you are going to get a segment late in the show that includes religious songs and some thoughts from the singers about how much faith means to them. It also bleeds into a bunch of patriotic songs strung together alongside the national anthem, which serves as the evening’s closer.
It’s a very stark contrast to what you might see in Las Vegas, but it feels pretty fitting for a riverboat cruise in Branson, Missouri. I found it to be an enjoyable detour, especially the accompanied shout-outs to servicemen and women, but it’s definitely not the sort of thing that’s for everyone, which brings me to the next point.
It’s A PG Pleasure Cruise
The Showboat Branson Belle doesn’t serve any alcohol, feature any music with swearing or show off any racy costumes. It’s very much an all ages experience, and everyone on board seems to take that very seriously. That was fine by me, as I wasn’t looking to get loaded at 4 PM on a boat with a bunch of children, but I’ve been on enough water-related experiences to know some people are looking to do exactly that.
If you’re that person, the kind that needs a little vice tied up in his or her fun, this isn’t the boat for you. You won’t get a Jack And Coke and “Fat Bottomed Girls” during the Queen medley. You’ll get a sweet tea and “Faithfully” during the Journey section and you’ll like it. Or you won’t and that’ll be on you for not listening to me and/ or knowing yourself well enough to know a PG pleasure cruise isn’t for you.
It’s The Right Length Of Time
My riverboat cruise took about two hours and fifteen minutes, which was the exact length of time I was looking for. As soon as one of the parts of the experience started to feel a little stale, the evening moved on to something else. It was an efficient and well run operation, one that has likely been perfected over thousands of cruises since The Showboat Branson Belle first set sale.
So, think of this as an activity you do during your day. Don’t think of it as literally the only thing you do during your day.
I Would Do This Once Every Few Years
There are certain activities I can do on a weekly basis like going out to eat or playing tennis. This isn’t that. I now know going on a riverboat cruise is an every once in a while kind of experience for me, but it is absolutely not a never again experience. Whether it’s in Branson or somewhere else, I will get on a riverboat again, and if I have as good of a time as I did on this one, I will be a happy camper.
If you think the Showboat Branson Belle might be for you, you can get more information and/ or purchase tickets here. Fun fact: several of the locals told me it's especially fantastic around Christmas. You can also check out our ranking of all the rollercoasters at Silver Dollar City.
