Every Sandlot Player Ranked By Greatness

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You may have heard theyíre an insult to the game. You may have heard they donít even play on a real diamond or wear real uniforms. Hell, you may have heard they like bobbing for apples in the toilet and live in constant fear of a neighborhood dog. Honestly, some of those claims have merit, but even so, Iím here to tell you the 10 and 11-year-old boys who congregate at The Sandlot are, without question, collectively the greatest baseball team ever assembled in the San Fernando Valley.

With a combination of vicious heaters, timely hitting and mean-spirited insults, theyíre able to run over every single opponent like an unstoppable juggernaut. They proved it by beating a bunch of pee-drinking crap faces recently, and with plenty of celebratory chewing tobacco on hand, theyíll gladly take on any and all-comers, at least provided itís not too hot.

If weíre being honest, however, there are still a few holes in that Sandlot line-up. There are a few players who do almost all of the heavy-lifting and a few others who coast on the greatness of their teammates. So, letís have an honest conversation about the men on the field. Just as we recently did with The Mighty Ducks, letís rank every single player in The Sandlot by baseball greatness.

9) Michael "Squints" Palledorous
Position: Right Field Or Center Field

Pros: Nice Footspeed, Fooling Around Experience, Grandpa In Law Enforcement, Good Storyteller, Plays Multiple Positions

Cons: Non-Swimmer, Banned From The Pool, Poor Bat Speed, Lack Of Power, Suspect Eyesight

Analysis: Pretty much every time Squints swings the bat, you can tell heís not coming around on it fast enough. We donít get quite enough game action to know for sure, but itís a pretty safe bet that he grounds out to second base on a regular basis. Fortunately, with a short little choppy swing, itís likely heís a contact hitter, and with good speed, if he hits it even toward a hole, he can probably beat out the throw. He also seems to be at least an average defensive player, given no one bitches about his play, and heís sometimes seen playing center field.

Every team Iíve ever been on includes at least one dude who loves to tell weird sex stories. Think Moe in Slap Shot. As the only player who has kissed a woman long and good, Squints fits that niche quite well here. Heís done some weird shit, and he planned all of it years ahead of time. In addition, I also have it on good authority that heís probably going to own a drug store later in his life; so, painkillers for everyoneís sore knees.
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