Tonight is Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals between the New York Rangers and the Los Angeles Kings. For hardcore hockey enthusiasts like myself, it’s a reason to get pumped up for the last few games of the season. For everyone else, however, it’s a reason to take a step back and lovingly reflect on great hockey-related movies like Slap Shot, Mystery Alaska, Miracle and that one that happened in the 1980s with Rob Lowe.

Yup, the sport of hockey has literally given audiences hours, or maybe even tens of hours, of movie magic, thanks in large part to The Mighty Ducks, which proved popular enough for two sequels. You would have thought an entire generation reared on that greatness would have produced a few more good hockey players, but sadly, thanks to a lax understanding of the rules, a heavy emphasis on the Knucklepuck and utterly bizarre and counterproductive practice methods employed by Coach Gordon Bombay, we’re still light years behind our neighbors to the North.

That being said, not everyone on the Mighty Ducks is an insult to the game of hockey. There are a few players who seem to genuinely know what they’re doing, and there are a few more who could have genuinely contributed to youth hockey teams around the country. So, let’s take a look back.

Here is every single Mighty Duck, ordered by hockey ability…

19) Luis Mendoza
Number: 22

Movies: D2 and D3

Pros: Lightning fast skater, hard worker, South Miami flair.

Cons: Does not know how to stop.

Analysis: Luis can’t stop. Let’s just pause and think about that for a minute. He’s a hockey player, and he’s incapable of stopping. That means, at some point on the majority of his shifts, he’s going to wipe out and run into the boards, blowing his scoring chance and rendering himself incapable of backchecking. That’s unacceptable if you’re playing at a high level, and while the idiots who picked Team USA seem to think that glaring deficiency is balanced out by his ability to skate blue line to blue line in 1.9 seconds, I'm here to tell you it is not. Not even close.

And don’t fill up the comment section with a bunch of nonsense about how he stopped that one time and awkwardly put the puck into the net, while the goalie was cleaning snow out of his eyes. I’m aware that happened. It doesn’t make up for the rest of the blowouts or all of those cans poor Jan had to pick up. My advice, he should stick to baseball.

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