A title like Lesbian Vampire Killers is more than just something catchy to go on the poster, it’s a promise. A title like that is a guarantee, like a warning label slapped on every film reel which says “This film contains lesbians, vampires, and the killing of lesbians who have turned into vampires.” To succeed, the film must therefore deliver on that titular promise, or risk disappointing a crowded, late-night, drunken SXSW audience. The film’s title sets a bar for a minimum which the film must achieve, and I’m happy to report that not only does Lesbian Vampire Killers reach that low-water mark it exceeds it… at least for the first thirty or forty minutes.
Seen late at night after a Fantastic Fest beer chugging contest decided by a tie-breaking beer off, for a good thirty minutes or so Lesbian Vampire Killers will seem like the coolest movie you’ve ever seen, or at least the coolest movie you’ve ever seen introduced by a half-naked hairy-man blowing on a ram’s horn (cause that’s just how Fantastic Fest rolls). Two best friends, one a hilarious fat wise-cracker named Fletch (James Corden) and the other a dowdy romantic named Jimmy (Matthew Horne), pining for his unfaithful girlfriend, throw a dart at a map and decide to take their hiking vacation wherever it lands. It lands one a tiny Welsh, a place which we’ve been told by a rocking opening montage has a problem with lesbian vampires and awaits the son of a former Baron to break the curse.
At first it’s all creepy drunken villagers and hot, horny college co-eds who quickly become hot, horny, college co-eds going lesbian and subsequently becoming thirsty for blood. James Corden steals scenes as the wisecracking Fletch and heads are bashed, MyAnna Buring is perfect as the most resourceful of the lesbian hunted co-eds, nipples are squeezed and it’s a rocking good time. Then the genre sets in.
Lesbian Vampire Killers just can’t help being a vampire movie and eventually the standard conventions of being that kind of movie set in. There’s a Vicar, who shows up wielding crosses and carrying vamp killing weapons. He’s great, strutting around and shouting over the top proclamations, but he leads the movie down that inescapable genre road. Soon we’re resorting to the usual vampires gather in one place, heroes slaughter them scenarios. It’s still fun, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not as inspired as the first half of the film when everything feels fresh and the script seems full of so much energy, promise and life. In the end though, it’s another vampire movie and even if they’re lesbian vampires who turn into bubbling semen when stabbed, they’re still just vampires. Grab your holy water and your wooden stakes, you’ll have a good time.
