Trailer Trash - 02/06/05

So it has come to my attention that another site has plaguerised us. Just as The Film Habit's letters section was a ground-breaking new idea in a world full of stagnant editorials, so I like to believe that a whole column dedicated to reviewing and showing you the latest teasers and tempters from the Hollywood machine every week or so was another innovation from the world of Cinema Blend. But it seems that rather than try and compete with Josh's unrivalled acerbic wit, they have seen fit to try and wrestle my baby from me instead, like Michael Jackson in a kindergarten.

What's really insulting is not so much that they have stolen the concept but the name too.

I know people read the old Trailer Trash columns, even though I haven't kept them up to date. Even old ones I ran on the forums, with the original teaser for AVP are still read by guests on the forums to this day. So it irks me that some other dude can't even be bothered to think up his own name. Some might claim I'm making a fuss over nothing, that it isn't a particularily original or clever name to begin with, but of all the sites I have visited I have never encountered another column or name similar until now.

Cinema Blend's Trailer Trash, the ORIGINAL and BEST trailer review column, brought to you with annoying irregularity since March 2004. Remember that as I try and throw off that lazy streak and make good on that Cinema Blend New Year's Resolution to make this the third best regular column on this site.

But what the hell, competition's good it may inspire me. So throwing aside my hissy-fit tantrum of some whipper-snapper trying to steal my thunder, let's get down to business. I'll mix some old with new this week, just to make up for my absence.

Email me and tell me I'm a whining big baby

Coming soon to a theatre near you...

War Of The Worlds (Spielberg)
Released: 29th June 2005

If you were one of the lucky ones, you got a peek at the Superbowl spot for War of the Worlds earlier this week. If you're not a raging internet geek, you're probably quite content to wait to see it tonight. Many people were disappointed, and to be fair I can easily understand why. While many of us sat back and admired the pretty pictures of that overpass getting toppled like a cheap poker table, others quite justifiably said "What's the deal?". While seeing some actual footage of the movie is nice, it has to be said that the original teaser featuring the small village getting annhialated was much more satisfying. And after the WotW PR machine shafted supposedly "lucky" websites by in favour of a deal with Yahoo Movies, the producers over at Dreamworks really should remember which guys butter their pre-release-hype bread these days.

Click here to watch the original teaser...

Watch CBS tonight to see the Superbowl Spot.

War Of The Worlds (Hines)
Released: 30th March 2005 (Tentative - No distributor)

Timothy Hines. Oh my. Where to begin. He's Uwe Boll without the marketing savvy. That about covers it. He funds his own godawful-looking movies and then occasionally Troma will pick them up for distribution. Point in case, his previous two movies Chrome and Starship Orpheus have been "coming soon" now for several years, despite being complete. Perhaps if his Press Releases spent more time promoting his movies instead of bitching about all the famous people who refuse to be part of his projects he might get somewhere. On reflection, maybe not.

Anyway, his "faithful" adaptation of the H.G. Wells novel has been in production for about 5 years now, suffering a major setback after 9/11 caused whole sections of already filmed material to be scrapped, apparently. Though I still don't understand how. Maybe that was a convenient excuse for "ran out of money". Judging by this trailer what you're going to get is lots of Victorian englishmen with american accents, trailing across prarieland that looks nothing like english countryside while enduring effects that look straight out of a cutscene from a 1994 PC game. Steven's quaking in his boots, I'm sure.

Click here to laugh at it...

Cursed
Released: 25th February 2005

Aaah, the movie so nice, they filmed it twice. Yes, God knows what possessed former horror maestro Wes Craven but after completing work on Cursed, he binned the whole thing and started again. Then in a typically cynical move these days, all the gore was cut out so it could get a PG-13 rating. PG-13 horror exists for two reasons and two reasons only. To allow kids in the doors to boost typically weak box office returns. And to allow them to double and triple dip with endless extended and unrated editions on DVD. As a horror fan I'm sick of this treatment. As Yoda and Miyagi both said; "Do, or do not.". PG-13 horror is an oxymoron and deserves nothing but contempt.

Click here to watch it with your kids...

Bloodrayne
Released: TBC - No distributor

I'll admit it. I watched Alone in the Dark last night. Luckily I had the sense to do it without contributing money to Uwe Boll's quest to undermine good film-making. I had already seen and reviewed House of the Dead. I had hoped it was a cinematic blip. An anomily. I was wrong. Someone in the depths of Lions Gate was subjected to Boll's bizarre Jedi Mind Tricks that he obviously uses on his investors, granting him a distribution deal on what I can only agree with Rafe is the single worst travesty of film ever created. House of the Dead was awful, but at least there was some shaky sense of coherence and plot, no matter how awfully it was presented.

But the fact is, amongst all the bad practical film-making which also plagues Alone in the Dark, is the fact that nothing, absolutely nothing, in the movie makes sense. I agree with every critic who pointed out that Christian Slater's po-faced line of "What is going on here? No, I mean, what is going on here?" is the most hilarious piece of cinematic irony every presented. Hopefully the dire box office performance and critical savaging will result in Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen being spared public shame. Hopefully nobody, after this, will distribute and therefore subject the world to Bloodrayne, his next bastardisation of a video game. Hopefully, no-one will have to wander blindly into a Boll torture session because nothing else is playing that evening ever again. I can only hope...

Click here to watch respectable actors brainwashed...

The Ring Two
Released: 18th March 2005

Digits or Roman numerals are too cliche for The Ring franchise, so they choose the Queen's English instead for their sequel. I was never a big fan of The Ring. Remakes of oriental horror movies are a bad idea simply due to the fact that many of them are so rooted in oriental culture which is wildly different to the way the west works. Sure The Ring is probably the best of the remakes to emerge but the fact was, for all it's attempt at an extended more concise backstory, it felt neutered, empty and just plain UNSCARY, especially their take of the one terrifying scene in the original which was reduced to a special-effects show. Anyway, The Ring Two has brought in the maker of the original japanese Ringu to direct the sequel which means we have someone a little more interested in scares than in Pirates taking us through it this time round.

Click here to watch it and then email it to a friend within seven days...

Hostage
Released: 11th March 2005

Bruce Willis is... The Negotiator! No wait, that was Kevin Spacey. Bruce seems to have finally left his toupee'd days behind him and is finally embracing the polished cue ball look. Hostage looks much like The Negotiator if John McClane went into hostage negotiation after his run-in with Simon Gruber. It looks like a lot of fun, I suggest you check it out.

Click here to watch Bruce have another very bad day...