Sure, I could easily pick on E.T. or Custer’s Revenge like everybody else (Two games that couldn’t come to the Virtual Console anyway because of their respective consoles). But why waste time with that crap when there are a slew of other games that don’t get their time in the sun to fester?
So here are five terrible games that will never, ever, ever, ever, make an appearance on the Virtual Console. Unless of course a sequel comes out for the Wii or one of the characters makes an appearance in Smash Bros. Then, expect a port in the next few months or so.
5. Time Lord
You want a bitchin’ board game? Bring on Milton Bradley! You want an awesome time traveling adventure? Hmm…try a Delorean, instead. Released in 1989 by the board game giants, Time Lord is quite possibly the stiffest trek careening through the continuum you will ever play. Taking the role of some guy who likes to punch things so hard they go flying into the cosmos, your goal is to travel to different time periods and collect five magical orbs just lying around on the ground for some reason. Annnnnd…that’s it. I did say Milton Bradley released this game, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought I said. Just making sure.
4. King’s Knight
To think, Square actually went on to make some of the most historic games in gaming history after this debacle, King’s Knight is not so much a game as it is an exercise in extreme patience. Playing as four characters that can’t aim for diddly beans, the game is a top down shooter in the loosest sense of the words. There are rumors that if you play this game for longer than twelve minutes your eyes begin to melt and your head explodes into a zillion pieces. I wouldn’t know, though, as I’ve only played this game for about seventeen seconds before I sledge hammered the crap out of it like Gallagher.
3. Friday the 13th
My favorite part in the Jason canon is when he corners his victim in a cabin and starts shuffling his feet like Ali and bobbing and weaving until he knocks his prey to the ground. Wait a minute, that never happened in the movies! So why the hell does it happen in the game? In what may be the most embarrassing moment in Jason’s career (And yes, I saw Jason X ), Friday the 13th takes a group of cheery campers (Pick the black guy, he jumps highest!) and throws them into the woods. And the lake. And some cabins. And…I think that’s about it. This game is definitely not for the feint of heart. The feint of brain cells? Maybe.
2. Wall Street Kid
Okay, I know the NES wasn’t made just for the kiddies (I mean, have you seen the pornographic content in Bubble Bath Babes?). But come on, Wall Street Kid? Who the hell were they even intending this game for? A moderately young Gordon Gekko? I’m not sure what you even do in the game, as the half an hour or so of text in the very beginning was so boring that it put me into a seventeen year coma. And when I woke up, I was in the future. There were flying cars and meals in pill form there, it was wonderful. But in all seriousness, it would take a pretty horrendous game to top Wall Street Kid…
1. Taboo: The Sixth Sense
…And that game would be Taboo: The Sixth Sense, an unusual suspect for an NES game if there ever was one. I had the unlucky misfortune of owning this game, and I must give it this, there’s definitely nothing else like it. With seizure inducing graphics, a spooky soundtrack that still haunts me to this very day, and absolutely no gameplay whatsoever, Taboo came into my life the exact same way it went out: In a garage sale where one unsuspecting mother picked it up for their child. And just like that…it was gone.