The Wii Is For Girls, And That's Why Nintendo Is Screwed

Nintendo made the Wii for girls. Oh, and grandmas, too, who are like girls, except with more wrinkles and better oatmeal cookies. But you know who the Wii is NOT for? People who play video games consistently, i.e. guys, and that’s why the Nintendo Wii is doomed for failure in the long run.

Coming out the gate like a Meatloaf bat out of hell, the Wii is seeing a slight dip over in Japan, and it won’t be long before it starts realizing it over here, too, and that’s because the Wii is targeted to the kind of audience that might see it as a cute little fad now, but in the future, they’ll move on and forget why they ever thought Wii Sports was so great in the first place. Oh, yeah, because they got to make Mii’s that looked just like them, their friends and even Michael Jackson, pre-scalpel surgery, but that thrill could only last so long, you know?

Why the abrupt disdain all of a sudden from me, though? Because I just read that MadWorld, which I actually reviewed, only sold 66,000 copies. Sixty-six THOUSAND! Come on, people, that’s pathetic! And this is a genuinely good game, too. If it had been on either the 360 or the PS3, I think it would have fared much better.

But do you know why the game is currently flopping all over the floor like a goldfish newly removed from its bowl? It’s because the audience that would actually PLAY a game like MadWorld on the Wii has already jumped ship. Out of the ten guy friends I know who actually once owned a Wii (Oh, and FYI, I actually have over 20 female friends who own a Wii), only ONE of them hasn’t already sold it for some 360 games and a bag of corn nuts, and that’s only because he’s holding out for ‘Lil Mac and Punch-out!!. So if it weren’t for that game, he would have sold his Wii a loooong time ago.

But you know what, I think I can be honest with you people. Remember that guy I was talking about just a moment ago who still owns a Wii (I should HOPE so, it was just in that last paragraph), that last guy was ME. Every other guy I know has already given up on the Wii, and it’s always for the same three reasons. One: Playing games online is a hassle; Two: Most of the games are shovelware; and Three: "They don’t have any games for ME". The third reason is REALLY disappointing to hear, because it’s just not true. But Nintendo wouldn’t have you believe that, oh no, absolutely not.

And if you don’t agree with me, then tell me THIS, you jaded gamer, you. How many commercials have you seen for MadWorld since it came out? I’ll wait. Well, if you can’t come up with a figure, I can, and I can do it with only one hand. But do you know what I’m DOING with that one hand? I’m curling my thumb into my forefinger and making a big, fat zero. I haven’t seen a single commercial for it, and that’s a crying shame. I know there MUST be one but if there really isn’t, then that just PROVES that Nintendo is trying to hide that mature games actually EXIST on their console. In other words, sure, they want to make it SEEM like they still cater to the hardcore crowd with games like MadWorld and No More Heroes. Heck, they’ll even PROVE it by giving a thumbs up for a second No More Heroes even though the first one didn’t sell for pinto beans. But they won’t advertise these games at all. They'll simply hope that word of mouth will be strong enough to carry them through.

Well, all I have to say to this idea is will you just get OFF it already, Nintendo? As much of a fan as I am of you (And believe me, my love for you is dwindling by the microsecond), even I have to call you out on abandoning your true fans on this one.

I mean, yeah, the Nintendo DSi is fine and good for a more casual crowd, as handhelds have ALWAYS been more about being an accessory and a travel tool than anything else (I even bought my girlfriend a pink DS, and she can’t put it down). But a home console means so much more than just that, and to just give it to the girls and the grandmas seems like so a terrible marketing plan. I mean, come on, Nintendo, you guys once had a commercial for making Mii’s. Making Mii’s! What guy is going to want to do THAT for more than ten minutes? And if there ARE guys like that out there, then there’s always Animal Crossing to fill the void (Hey, don’t diss Animal Crossing, that game’s the shiznit).

So, yeah, the Wii is for girls and grandmas and that’s why it’s going to fail. If you don’t agree with me, the comment box is below.