5 Things You Need To Survive The Impending Alien Invasion

The alien plot to end the world by abducting humans on a massive scale will be revealed this Friday, when Skyline arrives in theaters. If I've learned anything from effects-driven event films, it's if the aliens ever do come, the people of Earth will assemble a special elite force of asskickers, scientists and one hot chick to fend off the invaders. There's a good chance they'll succeed, but if they don't, if they fall pray to those mutated owls or future tigers or amorphous green blobs, movies have taught me people will die and/ or be enslaved. Not all of us, just a rough percentage of the population I'll describe as falling somewhere between a lot and most. That's why you need to prepare for this massacre in advance. Wake up every morning with your alien-fighting face on. Tomorrow might be the day Earth needs you to become a champion. Some of you, at least.

If you're a slutty white female, a muscular black man, a smarmy lawyer or someone who breaks down under pressure, I'm very sorry. There's little hope for you. The aliens will end you, either with your shirt off, because your murder will show they mean business, on the toilet or after a scary emotional breakdown that's sheer uncontrollable loudness will put everyone else in danger. But if you don't fall into one of the four cursed categories, there's outside chance you could survive. You might even be the savior of mankind. Use this article as the resource it is, selfishly drink from its wisdom and make sure you save it as a document in case the aliens raise internet prices during the end times. Here are the 5 things you will need to survive an alien invasion…

alien invasion

#1) A Loyal Dog

I don't care if you hate them, are allergic to their scents or ordered by a court to stay away because of dog-fighting convictions, man's best friend will still be a primary asset to your survival. With excellent smelling abilities, an innate awareness of oncoming danger and an almost stupidly loyal outlook, one trusted dog will join you in seeing this ordeal through. It's a sensible give and take relationship. You will help the dog forage for food and offer praise when it's warranted, and the dog will stand guard at night and attack any alien search party that might surprise you. Now, on first impulse, it might seem like the right call to go out and buy a mastiff this evening, but not only do big dogs require more food, they also tend to be lumbering and easy to detect. Go with a medium-sized herding dog. They're quick on their feet and bred to wrangle sheep. This will especially come in hand if the invading force is led by Little Bo Peep. It worked for Will Smith in I Am Legend, and vampire zombies are at least twice as vicious as fleshy-headed mutants from Mars.

alien invasion

#2) A Bizarre Weapon

While I'd never discourage you from hiding a lot of guns on your person at all times, it's still important to arm yourself with at least one strange, possibly low-tech, weapon for the random instance you will need it. Think battle axe or nunchucks. Guns are a sweet way to murder aliens, but at some points during your crusade, the situation may call for torturing or devising a clever escape out of the makeshift jail they've put you in. Other, bulkier weapons much more easily accomplish these dual purpose missions. Imagine you've been captured and the aliens have decided to make you their errand boy. Is a gun going to poison their lattes? Is a gun going to slit green throat as you gently whisper “this is my planet”? No, you need to arm yourself with a few crazy weapons. It'll be especially helpful when bragging later. “You see me punch that alien in the kneecap with my belt sander? It was really no big deal…”

alien invasion

#3) The Right Attitude

Yes, an alien invasion would be an example of a situation out of your control, but how you respond to that uncontrollable situation is always a factor in whether you live or die. The pessimists always die first. From the Titanic to the potato famine to that movie about nuking Earth's core, every harrowing adventure in history has been beset by whiny idiots calling themselves realists. They naysay every plan, ruin everyone's mood with doomsday prophesies and generally piss off the people actually trying to help until they're sprayed in the eyes by a dilophosaurus. If at any point, you turn into this jackass, you will be killed. It's always imperative to remain optimistic, not stupidly optimistic like Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, but optimistic none the less. You need to face facts. You're in an insurmountable situation with a bizarre weapon, a dog and no wheelbarrow or holocaust cloak in sight. You need to will yourself into surviving. Ask yourself what Battlestar Galactica's Dee would do, and then act oppositely.

alien invasion

#4) Maps And Blueprints Of Abandoned Buildings, Sewer Systems And Underground Tunnels

This is where your prep work needs to come in, people. Aliens are smarter than us, faster than us and depending on the invaders in question, equally as attractive as us. You're going to need all the advantages you can get, and knowing the lay of the land is a good start. Aliens will be hunting you down in all the usual places: your house, your place of business, Starbucks. You need to live off the grid. The White House is a terrible place to hide, but that abandoned laser tag place out by the refinery is perfect. If you're wondering whether a location is a great place to hide, think about what would happen if you ever took a sensible girl there. Would she be pissed? Would she be so horrified she told all her friends what a creepy, unhinged psychopath you are? That's what we're looking for here. Practice surviving in boarded-up mental institutions. Crawl your way to freedom through five football fields of shit-smelling foulness. Embrace the jungle, Jessie “The Body” Ventura style.

alien invasion

#5) Someone To Save

Let's face facts. By this point in this extraterrestrial takeover, nearly everyone you've ever loved is probably dead, but as long as you didn't actually witness it, you're gonna need to hold out hope they're still alive or better yet, that they're trapped in a throw of imminent death only you can save them from. You need to roam the earth to find your Entwife, and to do that, you'll need to stay alive. Imagine how pissed you would be if some stupid alien was the one who killed you. Not even the leader, just a henchman like BeBop or Rocksteady. Now imagine how much more pissed you would be if you thought one of those clowns was slobbering all over your wife or girlfriend or daughter or life partner. Harness that outrage. Tell yourself you can save her from unspeakable fates involving tentacle arms and oddly-colored bodily excretions. She, like the rest of the world, is counting on you. Man up. Be the hero. When the time to apply your training comes, you'll know what to do.

Mack Rawden
Editor In Chief

Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, a great wrestling promo and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.