Tomorrow America elects a new president, forced to choose between two party nominated contenders. Sorry, we can do better. This country needs real change, and odds are that four years from now, no matter who gets elected we’ll still be mired in more of the same. We have a better idea. Instead of nominating real people with fictional platforms, perhaps it’s time we considered nominating fictional people with real agendas.
Forget Obama and McCain. Here are six people who we’d rather have in charge than either of those mud-slinging yahoos.
Not only has he played a president on film, he’s also played god. George Bush claims he gets orders from the big guy in the sky, Morgan Freeman as president is kind of like actually having the almighty creator right there in office. Plus, just imagine the speeches. You think the hopemeister is inspiring, just imagine Freeman there delivering the State of the Union with those deep, dulcet tones. Ok, so he’s an actor and he’d have no idea what he’s talking about, but is that really any worse than some of the other guys we’ve put in charge? I’m pretty sure it’s all Bush can do to read the teleprompter. At least when Morgan Freeman speaks, you feel comfortable and safe, even if there is a giant, flaming, asteroid headed straight towards the planet.
I know what you’re thinking: Palpatine? He’s evil. Sure, but he’s also a man who knows how to get things done. Maybe a few Wookies get wiped out in the process, but party infighting won’t stop him from pushing through his Sith healthcare plan or from winning the war against the rebels… er I mean terrorists. Osama bin Laden? Prepare to eat lightning. While other presidents only talk about making changes, Palpatine keeps his mouth shut and simply sends out his minions to make them. His presidency will almost certainly be bad for Jedis, but it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing for the rest of us, most of whom are not infested with midi-chlorians. Doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing, and lately we’ve had a whole lot of nada. Bring on the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Aslan the Lion
Sure, handing a member of the cat family the keys to the most powerful office in the world might seem foolhardy, but stranger precedents have been set. McKinley was one-eighth walrus, an animal, which it must be said, cannot even survive out of water. So, hell yes, I would willingly vote for The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe's Aslan before McCain or Obama. He's benevolent, mysterious, and a lame literary shadow character to a one Jesus Of Nazareth, Esquire. Plus, we owe China billions of dollars. They have more people than us and fancy weapons like Tae-Kwan-Do. But with Aslan as President, well, Economic Theory bows to the Laws Of The Jungle, at least according to the most recent Risk rulebook. Give us your tired, your hungry, and your Fancy Feast. We'll be acting aloof, yet still intimidating in no time.
We want our first female president to be a real take charge ass-kicker, not a pandering hockey mom with an overactive womb and a penchant for shooting helpless woodland creatures from a hovering helicopter. Want to strike terror into the hearts of our enemies? Look no further than this former frog stalker turned pop icon. She may have a soft spot for hoppers, but unless your skin is green… watch it bud. She has a mean karate chop. With Piggy as president the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and any other organization with a violently anti-slut agenda would be on notice. Hands off our strippers assholes! America’s coming for you, and we’ve got a lady pig as president. Our less than kosher executive branch may not go over so well with Israel, but America will never be safer. Once you piss her off, Piggy is unstoppable. America’s enemies beware! Hi-ya!
There’s no reason to think that having Apatow as President of the United States would actually fix anything, but we’re way beyond that. A vote for Apatow is an admission that we’re screwed and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. Give us a president who can make us laugh while we all sink to the bottom of the ocean on the deck of our capitalist Titanic. Force Nancy Pelosi to whip out some wicked improv while Florida is invaded by the rampaging hordes of China, and it’ll make the slaughtering of our drunken college students all that much more palatable. Come on, those douche bag kids had it coming. To keep the good times rolling Apatow will at last push through long overdue pot legalization, allowing the entire country to stay comfortably blitzed on its couch, surrounded by empty Doritos bags and glued to B.J. and the Bear reruns while Vice President Seth Rogen is dispatched to Daytona Beach, where he’ll negotiate the release of our best “Girls Gone Wild” from their Chinese captors. That's a world I can live in.
College-educated self-starters with moralistic sticks up their asses and promises of change are so last year. We need a firm hand, the type of borderline authoritarian rule which lovingly stroked serfdom and egregious poverty for millennia. Give me a leader with the balls to murder his own bride for bloodlust and spite. Give me a leader with a rock-throwing giant and liquored-up fencing master at his immediate disposal. Give me The Princess Bride's Prince Humperdinck. They say he can track a falcon on a cloudy day, which means I'm pretty damn sure he can find Osama Bin Fuckface within the hour. Plus, his most trusted advisor and likely Vice Presidential Candidate has six fingers and a machine which literally siphons off years of a man's life. Dick Cheney can shove waterboarding up his ass.