Clint Eastwood is more man than I’ll ever be. He’s more man than you’ll ever be, and he’s more man than your manliest friend on his manliest day. He makes Chuck Norris look like the fat kid from Bad Santa and Jet Li like Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles. Other so-called tough guys use their fists and roundhouse kicks to mete out justice; Eastwood simply scowls at his opponents with a mix of contempt and annoyance until they back down. That’s the way a real man gets shit done. He wrangles wills with his fiery eyes and frightening reputation. If you’re stupid enough to still throw down, he’ll gladly add you to his lengthy execution list, but know, as he stands over you with a loaded .44 Magnum, that his aggressive, determined leer gave you a way out, you dumb son of a bitch.
Today, May 31st, is Clint Eastwood’s birthday. For years, he’s entertained us with his violent onslaughts and respectable manners around the ladies. He’s taught our sons how to stand up for themselves and our daughters how to be scared and horny at the same time. These life lessons deserve restitution. But what do you get a man who’s always just taken everything he’s ever wanted? What do you get an eighty-one year old who’s lived more than you could ever hope to? A man like that doesn’t want gift cards to Outback Steakhouse or a massage. No doubt he kills his meat and cooks it himself and lets beautiful women rub him down as their birthday gifts. No, these trifles just won’t do. The only thing you can give a good, honest man like that is a pat on the back for a life well done.
So, here’s to you, on your eighty-first birthday, Mr. Eastwood. It’s eight of your greatest moments…
Driving A Train Into A Saloon
The Clint Eastwood/ Robert Duvall 1972 flick Joe Kidd has mostly been forgotten, though I don’t see how. Not only does it have one of the greatest movie posters ever, it also includes a scene where Eastwood, driving a train, says “Fuck it”, and barrels beyond the tracks into a saloon. Then, he blows away the bartender and patrons inside and emerges to let the local sheriff know he has a prisoner in his custody. That’s how you handle a train. You don’t try to stop it, you turn it into the fifty ton weapon God intended it to be. You hear that Denzel Washington and Chris Pine? Pussies…
Being Elected Mayor
Pissed off his hometown decided to enact a law forbidding anyone from eating ice cream in public, Eastwood decided to take the mayor’s job and overturn it. He massacred the incumbent by an almost three-to-one margin and started working for the betterment of the community, collecting two hundred dollars a month in the process. You know what he probably did with that money? Bought galloons of ice cream he subsequently ate in public. He only served one term because his goals were already accomplished but afterward, he was appointed by two different governors to the California State Park and Recreation Commission where he fought to save the environment. Other people write letters or film PSAs, Eastwood handles legislative concerns himself.
Cutting The Rope
The entirety of Sergio Leone’s The Good The Bad And The Ugly is certified badass, but none of it comes close to approaching the rope cutting scene. Poor Tuco, a wanted fugitive for everything from deserting his family to passing counterfeit bills, is delivered to the sheriff in exchange for two thousand dollars in reward money. Eastwood waits until he’s about to be hung and then severs the rope with a pinpoint shot, freeing his accomplice to ride off and split the reward money. He even shoots the hats off the executioners afterwards because he’s bored, and Clint one-ups better than any man who’s ever lived. They tried to recreate this madness last year on Top Shot, and it took the marksmen forever. Eastwood only needed two shots. Ho-hum. No big deal. Just severing a rope from about fifty yards.
Sleeping With The Foxes
Wilt Chamberlain may have had sex with thousands of women during the 1970s, but no one fucked for a better average than Clint Eastwood. In between marriages and long-term relationships, he somehow managed to nail an astounding number of beautiful, famous women including Rashida Jones’ mom, Peggy Lipton, who was the star of The Mod Squad at the time. This is what she looks like forty years after her prime. Still hotter than your girlfriend. Then there was Jean Sedberg, Inger Stevens, Jill Banner and Kay Lenz, who Eastwood directed in Breezy. In modern equivalency, it’s like he slept with Padma from Top Chef, Liz’s secretary on 30 Rock, Scarlett Johansson and hundreds more. In fact, we really have no way of knowing whether or not he slept with those women too. I wouldn’t put it past him. In case you’re not sold, here’s a clip of another one of his conquests, Catherine Deneuve. Two-to-one she’s talking about him in this clip…
Daring You To Make His Day
Yesterday, Starbucks forgot my caramel, and I just took it like a bitch. Eastwood would be ashamed. He once complained about his coffee during a robbery, but in his mind, the sugar mix-up was the more pressing concern. Sure, numerous civilians had guns to their heads, but if anyone started firing, he knew he’d be fine. That kinda brash swagger can only come from taking dozens of lives. Eastwood wants the fight. He needs the fight. It’ll make his day, but it’s only fair he warns you ahead of time what the end result will be. Never fuck with Clint Eastwood. He’ll take your pride, then your life, and then he’ll get someone else to fix his damn coffee. He likes it black.
Investing In Pebble Beach
Real men like to play golf. Clint Eastwood has a stake in the second best golf course in the United States. His Pebble Beach Golf Links has hosted five United States Opens and one PGA Championship. He invested heavily in the course long ago and has maintained his percentage. Interested in playing yourself? That’s fine. Just book an eight hundred dollar room six to eighteen months in advance and then schedule your tee time for five hundred dollars per member of your foursome. They might be able to fit you in. Unless you know Clint. He’ll get you something sooner, but he’s still gonna need that 1300 dollars right away. He’s not running a charity.
Telling You To Get Off His Lawn
Never, under any circumstances, trespass on Clint Eastwood’s property. Ever. If you’re thinking about it, just don’t do it. Stay away. No good will come from it. Milkman, gang member, doesn’t matter. And if you are stupid enough to trespass on his lawn, do not break something. He stacked fucks like you five high in Korea. He’ll blow a hole in your face, go inside and sleep like a baby. He couldn’t care less. He’s well within his rights to pull that trigger. He fought for it. Many of his friends died for it, and if someone’s meeting Satan tonight, it’s sure as hell not going to be him.
Reminding You We All Have It Coming
Battling demons? Freaking out because you’ve done something you thought you never would? Tell Clint. Like a disinterested Santa clause, he’ll stare off into the distance half paying attention before responding in one blunt sentence making it clear he’s been there and he knows. “It’s a hell of a thing, killing a man.” I wouldn’t know, but Eastwood sure as hell does. There’s nothing he hasn’t been through. He’d tell you more, but he was drunk most of the time and can’t remember. It’s probably better that way. If he ever got around to telling his own stories, none of us would ever sleep again. He carries those burdens for the sake of the rest of humanity, God bless ‘em.
Pissed off because your favorite didn’t make the list? Clint probably is too. Leave a message in the comment section, and let that fantastic son of a bitch know how much he means to you on his eighty-first birthday.