Dragonball Evolution 2 Confirmed, Chinese Conspiracy To Blame

Even though here in the United States, Dragonball Evolution was a massive flop hated by everyone but the most self-loathing of Dragonball fans… it’s getting a sequel. James Marsters, who played the villain Lord Piccolo in the first film, confirmed the rumors in an interview with a fansite. Marsters says that after his upcoming concert tour, “we’ll start shooting the second Dragonball movie. I’ve just heard that I can actually tell that there is going to be a sequel.”

Even the Dragonball fan community seems less than enthused by this announcement. The question everyone seems to be asking is: “Why god why?!”. Here’s why:

Dragonball Evolution made only a miserable $9 million dollars, total, domestically. Unfortunately it seems international audiences are a little less savvy than American crowds. Overseas this bright and shining turd made $45 million. In particular it was big in both Japan and China. Meanwhile Fox spent almost no money at all advertising it and the cast was comprised mainly of genre television castoffs, so it’s not like they spent anything on salaries. There’s a chance that it may actually have made a profit and of course Fox assumes that if people in China watched this shit the first time there’s every reason to think they’ll happily watch more of it.

It’s Asia that’s to blame for this sequel tragedy so here’s my suggestion: Keep it out of America. No one wants it, it wastes space in our movie theaters and seeing the Dragonball Evolution name followed by a number 2 on our marquees would only be a depressing reminder that it’s now China’s mental midgets, not ours, who control which shitty movies Hollywood will make. Make it if you must, but don’t bother releasing it here. Dragonball is Asia’s Larry the Cable Guy and we already have our own Larry the Cable guy. We don’t need someone else’s.

Josh Tyler