I don’t have any children, but I’m told, if I did, they would instantly become my most valuable possessions. My 1972 Topps Bobby Orr and my Zodiac Killer shirt and my car would all supposedly be worthless in comparison because unlike human beings, those items cannot be tutored into becoming lawyers, professional lacrosse players and Jeopardy contestants. That’s apparently why intelligent, involved parents spend an inordinate amount of time discussing which people they know would make serviceable watchers of their children during periods of time in which they are both called away. I vividly remember, during my own youth, my mother and father talking at the kitchen table and discarding wannabe babysitters for such reasons as lack of intelligence, possible drinking problem, ugliness and poor hygiene, but all that effort still didn’t stop one hired hand from encouraging me to jump as far as I could off the back of the couch. She thought it was funny. I still do.
All of the dumb, fictitious bitches and dumb, fictitious sons of bitches on the following list make that aforementioned long jump encourager look ideal. Each would cause irreparable damage to any child no matter how short the exposure, and each would make any level-headed matriarch beg for Cameron Diaz’s character in Bad Teacher. Many of them have proven it in the past, and if you were in a pinch and sought their services, they’d sure as hell prove it again. Here are 7 movie characters that never should be put in charge of a child…
Mrs. Sturak From Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead
This crazy old bat might run a tighter ship than most employers would want or expect, but it’s not her Stalin-esque management style that finds her a position on this contemptible list. No, Mrs. Surak is on this ordered middle finger for one simple reason: she can’t be trusted not to die. It might sound harsh, but studies have continually shown the elderly are worse at staying alive than any other demographic sampled. Birthed during Zelda Fitzgerald’s prime, this Cosmo Kramer-haired disciplinarian has a long and storied history of passing peacefully in her sleep. All her lectures and threats of television taking do concerned parents no good if she’s shirking her responsibility by sneaking into hell.
Alan From The Hangover
Equally hopeless with both babies and teenagers, Alan scores points for his impressive Jonas Brothers knowledge, but he loses them all back and some thanks to his lack of common sense. What’s the first rule any dumbass will tell you about handling other people’s children? Don’t rename them. If that mouth breather is not legally yours, you should not and cannot legally change his or her name, especially to Carlos. What’s the second rule any dumbass will tell you about handling other people’s children? Don’t harm any of the fingers or toes. If the child wants to prove his or her skill with a knife, politely ask the runt to do so for the parents after you’ve left, especially if the kid in question is a gifted musician.
Ed And Hi From Raising Arizona
Conventional wisdom would suggest that entrusting a baby to a couple would be better policy than hiring one person. It makes sense given how much constant effort newborns require, but if the pair a) fight constantly, b) bring the worst out of each other c) have used grenades to kill a man and d) are planning on stealing a child, you might not really be getting more bang for your buck. Come to think of it, leaving your pride and joy with anyone that’s ever been in a Coen Brother’s movie, apart from maybe Marge in Fargo, will probably prove a regrettable decision.
Royal Tenenbaum From The Royal Tenenbaums
Look: interacting with children is hard. I know this because I’ve tried on numerous occasions. Talking in some stupid, patronizing high-pitched voice is offensive and stupid and treating them like they’re a peer is arguably worse. It’s hard to find that balance. Nowadays, with middle class parents so excited about building self-esteems, most males tend to lean toward the overly sympathetic route, but Royal Tenenbaum is from the old school. He believes children need to be exposed to theft and dogfighting and Paul Simon songs at a young age lest they turn into wussies. I’m all for manning up and being frank, but sometimes you need to look at your child’s shitty art project and tell him it’s good. Sometimes you need to watch your daughter’s awful tap dancing and tell her she looks beautiful. Royal Tenenabaum could ruin even the most precocious child’s confidence for years with his blunt criticisms. He’s scarred three of his own children, and he’s got plenty of powder left in his honesty cannon.
LN Fisher-Herrin From Away We Go
Ethereal, kind-hearted and ultimately stupid, LN Fisher-Herrin refuses to push children in a stroller because of the message it might send. She’s worried about the implications of pushing kids away rather than bringing them near. That might sound like a cute, hippy concept on paper, but riding in a stroller is straight baller. You know what the only thing better than rolling along in a comfortable seat pushed by your mother is? Grabbing items off the shelf at the supermarket as you stand inside the shopping cart like a three year old Evel Knievel. Any human being that doesn’t understand the inherent and aggressive awesomeness of that should never be allowed around children. Fact.
Agatha Trunchbull From Matilda
If children act up, I’m all for taking away recess or making those little bastards write sentences. If left unchecked, many kids will say and do the darndest things, but even a firm, hardass like myself realizes some of Principal Agatha Trunchbull’s disciplinary methods are straight deplorable. Confining a child inside a closet with sharp and protruding nails? That has to be a felony and a violation of numerous safety and fire codes. Throwing a kid out the window? Also a felony and a violation of basic decency. If it weren’t for Miss Honey, all the children within the town would be dead. That should come as little comfort to the rest of America though now that Agatha’s on the run. She’s going to need money. How’s she going to get it? Without question, babysitting.
Moses Pray From Paper Moon
Life doesn’t always turn out how you want it to. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re orphaned after your prostitute mother is hit by a car. Shit happens. You never know when you might be that run over hooker with your kid in the care of some old fling. That’s why it’s imperative for children to acquire practical knowledge from their parents, babysitters, adults, caretakers and those guys on Mythbusters before they wind up homeless. That being said, how to con widows into buying forged Bibles is probably a skill you don’t want your children to have in their back pockets. That’s why Moses is not an acceptable option. He’s like Uncle Buck after three horrible life decisions.
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Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, a great wrestling promo and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.