Heidi Montag Wants Her Fake Boobs Attacked By Sharks in 3D

There's no doubt that this will be the most exciting news you'll hear for at least few years. As I'm sure most of you are true film fans, you no doubt have been following the sky rocketing stardom of Heidi Montag, who got her start by being blonde and dumb on a little "show" called The Hills and parlayed that into an immediate failure of a pop singing career. She then visited talk show after talk show with her terrible husband Spencer Pratt (seriously, his name literally means "a stupid or foolish person") trying to convince America that Jesus would be totally ok with her getting 98% naked for Playboy.

If after that mess of a life she's been leading you have found some way to convince yourself that she's not an abhorrent waste of air and space, this news will push you over that ledge. Montag recently announced to People that she not only has written a screenplay, but is hoping to star in the as-yet-untitled production as well. That's not the amazing part though. Here's the plot line in her own words:

“I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

Beyond the initial surprise that she has the brain capacity to write anything other than her own signature on a check to her plastic surgeon, it's a bit of a shock that she sounds like she thinks this will actually get made and that a film like this will "Launch her career." The movie will probably get made, but this will no doubt have the straight-to-DVD budget and effects to put it at the same level as Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Red Water. Even such a monument to vapidity as Heidi Montag has got to know that no one would touch this with 100 foot pole. Not even if she waggled her $15,000 rack at them. Not to mention that somehow she thinks this will be the first beach comedy involving a shark attack. They're all comedies, Heidi. Some of them just don't mean to be.

If this movie gets a theatrical release I'll eat a print of it.