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Max Steel Movie? Flip Your Coaster Over To No Thanks

Scraping the bottom of the barrel has just been redefined by the normally savvy folks at Paramount Pictures. They’re making a movie out of Max Steel. What is Max Steel? It’s like Transformers or G.I. Joe without any of the fanbase, nostalgia, or creativity.

Max Steel first debuted in 2000 as an action figure line and a corresponding computer animated series from Mattel. It limped along through three seasons before disappearing in 2002, all but forgotten by everyone, except apparently Paramount. At the time, it was the retarded cousin of infinitely superior computer animated cartoon series like Transformers: Beast Machines and Reboot. And where’s the Reboot movie, a show with an actual fanbase? Why languishing in development hell of course.

Instead we’re getting Max Steel, the story of teenage extreme sports junkie who gains superpowers through nanotechnology and becomes a super spy. Why would anyone want to make this movie? Mattel is probably jealous of Hasbro’s success with Transformers so what’s in it for Paramount? Brazilians. All those shitty Max Steel toys they can’t sell over here? They’ve send them to Latin America where they’ve become wildly popular for no particular reason. And we thought our kids were dumb! Nobody and I mean nobody is going to give a shit about this movie over here in America, but it’ll be what Transformers is to us in the rapidly growing economy of Latinotopia.

I love Brazil. I’ve never been there but I’m a big fan of the endless meat at Fogo de Chao and besides, the country is known mostly for topless sunbathing and the removal of unwanted body hair. I think it’s safe to assume that me and Brazil would automatically be simpatico should I ever show up in a Speedo. But Hollywood is already busy making bad American ideas to sell to dumb America audiences, must we now start adopting bad ideas from other countries to sell to their dumb audiences as well? Will there be any room left for good ideas if we do? Probably not.