Lions and tigers and bears, oh my, what pussies. Those beasts of burden might be gorging themselves atop Darwin's food chain, but with a little ingenuity, brawn and gun powder, you could easily defeat the entire Bearenstein Bear family. Sure, they sound menacing, minacious even, but the lumbering phylum of oafs are mostly passive---like James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. It's all fun and Slaughterhouse V until you shit on Dawson's territory or inject the bear's black friend with chemicals so he can play on an injured knee. Give me a zombie or a werewolf or at least a reincarnated serial killer doll. The supernatural may seem an impossible juggernaut, but Dwight Schrute knows how to best these fiends and you should too. Actually, I can't tell you how to properly slay a ninja or pack of cerebra, but I can tell you which ones to fear the most, which ones you can fight off yourself and which ones you'll need at least one Corey for. Get the silver bullets out of the safety deposit box and arm yourself to the teeth with garlic, it's an ordered list of the ten most frightening ghouls a man can ever deign to engage in Mortal Kombat.
#10. Ghosts
Sometimes spooking in packs of thirteen, sometimes brooding together by the hundred thousands of gunshot victims to frighten Sarah Winchester into constructing the world's coolest house, ghosts are mostly just unwanted houseguests, subtly rearranging things and opening windows to let in chilly breezes. You can call Bill Murray or you can move your ass off the Indian burial ground, but the real go-getter, the girl who knows what she wants, she makes sexy pottery time with the ghost and suddenly the apparition is no longer so terrifying.
#09. Technology
Yes, I love Facebook just as much as the next bored, upper-class white jerkface with no real problems and a serious creeping addiction, but technology isn't all call waiting and nuclear power. Sometimes computers astutely and foolishly decide half the world needs to be destroyed in order to save the other half. It's a dicey game of cat and mouse we play with these machines, a dicey game Captain Kirk once played against a bag of kilobytes named Nomad. Humans 1, shitty CGI 0. Sorry, Hal.
#08. R.O.U.S.'s
The greatest trick the R.O.U.S.' ever played was convincing the world they didn't exist. And the funny thing is, if you ever find yourself in the fire swamps of Florin, these gargantuan rodents might not even be your biggest foe. Whether it be the quicksand or bickering amongst your cohorts, the R.O.U.S.' frequently escape suspicion, which may very well belie their power. Editor's Note: Splinter from The Ninja Turtles is not an R.O.U.S.
#07. Dark Wizards
Anytime an ominous cloud covering causes the Minister of Magic, the Minister of goddamn Magic, to run for the hills holding his dick and silently wishing for Harry Potter, you know the Dark mark in question must have occult undertones. And that's just Lord Voldemort and his Bella. We haven't even gotten into Samantha Stephens or the entire female population of Salem. Don't light the Black Flame Candle; Binks won't always be there to save you.
#06. Robots
#05. Raptors
Whether systematically testing the fence for weaknesses or hunting that crazy bastard with the huge gun in packs, raptors put the fear of God in anyone, even smartass little kids trying to show up Dr. Alan Grant. I'll be honest, I always underestimated the raptor until a group of 'em attacked a tyrannosaurus rex. That's bravery. And you thought the hawk was the craziest bird descendant. And did you see Land Of The Lost? Me neither.
#04. Zombies
Zombies are like fire ants or little children. The idea of a single one being in anyway intimidating is laughable, absurd even. Oh the ways I could dispose of a seven year old girl if she attacked me and moral relativity ruled the world. But a hundred of those damn Girl Scouts chasing me around the mall at a saunter's pace. Horrifying. At about five, the zombie intimidation level starts breaking the sweat barrier. And don't even think about falling asleep next to one of these bastards on the L. They don't want your wallet. Editor's Note: If killing zombies was a socially acceptable recreation activity, would you pay to do it? I would--but killing hookers is getting harder and harder with DNA samples.
#03. Aliens
I don't like extraterrestrial movies. They're mostly slow and full of people like Keanu Reeves, but that doesn't mean I'd like my chances in the Octogan against one of these assholes. What if it doesn't like Reese's Pieces? What if turning the Big Willy Style up to eleven doesn't instill fear in the starfucker? What if, my God, what if it slapped around Jim Brown as some sort of intimidating foreplay to our faceoff?
#02. The Government
Remember the image of Uncle Sam foraging through the world's nether regions, converting the heathens to democracy and Catholicism like an army of altruistic Supermen? Well, that's gone. Now, it's a nightmare of wiretapping and public surveillance, Guantanamo Bay and waterboarding. You can fight 'em off with poisonous roses or Shia LeBeouf, but the only tried and truth method is getting yourself off the goddamn grid.
#01. Vampires
It seems ludicrous I'm insinuating there's a more feared foe than an elected official with a grudge and an unlimited bank account, but the vampire sleeps in a coffin and prowls the streets at night for unsuspecting fools to bleed out. How can any nemesis possibly be more diabolic than that? I know it's in vogue right now to obsess over the teenage vampirical, but even the Beatles were a fad at some point. Don't bother trying to hold your bladder, you're going to lose your fluids anyway.
Honorable Mentions: Trolls, dolls, little girls, ogres, Cyclopes, werewolves, hunters, religious zealots, scorned women, demons, racism, dragons and Satan.
