Posters exist for movies that are coming out some time soon. We have them. We keep them to ourselves, but take pictures of them to prove to you that they actually exist. Then I make fun of them in fairly lame and un-amusing ways.
This poster for A Love Song for Bobby Long is almost too dark and stylistic to get its message across… unless its message is that Scarlett Johansson has stupendous breasts. It is doubtless no coincidence that they happen to be the one thing directly in that slender beam of light. Well that and John Travolta’s chin. Though this thing does a lousy job of telling you the name of the movie or even whose in it, since it’s so dark it is almost impossible to make those things out, it is a great piece of art. I’d love to hang this thing on my wall, except since it has John Travolta in it, no doubt the movie will stink and hanging it on my wall would bring great shame. As artwork it’s genius, as an advertisement, maybe they should have considered lightening it up.
Do Chinese movies exist in which the characters don’t float, use martial arts, and wave around swords? Are there any gritty, bland, washed out Chinese movies. A movie maybe that doesn’t look like the Director still hasn’t outgrown Crayolas (or the communist equivalent)? I’m beginning to think not. These three posters for House of Flying Daggers make it look like more of the same. Hey look! That poster is greenish. I wonder if there will be a red one for when the characters are angry. They’re a one genre society those Asians (Indians excluded, they’re all about bad musicals). Imagine if the only thing in our cinemas was a series of very pretty Matrix rip-offs. I was sick of it after Revolutions, I can’t imagine revisiting it every weekend.
If that’s William Shatner in the poster for Miss Congeniality 2 then I’m sold. But if it’s Sandra Bullock then I have to ask… when did she become a cross dresser? I mean how is that even possible? Did she have surgery to become a man, and then decide to start wearing women’s clothes in an all Ru-Paul review? The real problem with this poster is Sandra Bullock’s name in huge pink letters at the top of the poster. William Shatner is in this. He should obviously have top billing. Who knew Sandra Bullock even still made movies? When headlining a sequel to Miss Congeniality is the only thing you got, you might consider asking your co-star Mr. Shatner for a spot on Boston Legal, or perhaps in one of his paintball videos.
Shouldn’t they do something to cover up Steve Martin’s hair in The Pink Panther remake? White hair with a brown mustache only makes the mustache look more fake than it already is Combine that with the fact that Steve looks like he’s bellying up to a glory hole and you’ve got one odd looking poster. Couldn’t they have thrown the traditional Clouseau hat on him at least? Or perhaps left him out of the poster entirely and just used that cartoon pink panther we’re all so fond of. He’s probably the only funny thing in the movie anyway.
This one’s an absolutely beautiful poster for a movie about an African American woman not of sound mind and the journal she writes in. How really gorgeous flowers figure into it I don’t know, but this poster is more likely to make folks want to take up gardening than it is to inspire them to see the movie.
If you’ve done more than glance at the main page of CB you’ve no doubt already noticed that I’ve updated our Constantine preview with this new poster. Though the movie itself has done little to inspire me, this thing is a real beaut. It’s the first thing I’ve seen from it that doesn’t make the movie look like The Matrix with demons. For one thing, there’s smoke. Smoke is just cool no matter where you use it. You can’t have too much smoke on a movie poster, especially if you’re trying to hide something sucky about your movie. I don’t know if Constantine is hiding something sucky, but dammit if this poster doesn’t make me want to see it. Gorgeous piece of artwork that’s god me looking at this particular movie in a new light.
Let’s stop a moment to consider how Jennifer Love Hewitt is marketed around the world. She is after all one of America’s most valuable resources. Did you know she can sing? Poster one is the new American released one sheet for her upcoming rom-com If Only. We’re a more moral country now, so no tongue! Also, no co-starring in bad superhero tuxedo movies with Jackie Chan. The movie does however star some guy named Paul Nicholls, who must be like David Hasselhoff in other countries, since in the second If Only poster, an international version, his name gets top billing right along with J. Love. In the third version, she’s shown standing with her now vaguely Asian looking beau in front of backgrounds that have been discolored to look like they may in fact be somewhere near the Great Wall of China, though in fact the movie is probably set in New Jersey. All three, it should be noted, do a marvelous job of concealing her massive forehead.
The world doesn’t deserve a Legend of Zorro poster this cool. There’s no way the movie will live up to it.
When you have a career like Christian Slater's, should you really be making fun of anyone? Especially Winston Churchill. Apparently though this is a comedy of genius, so genius in fact that the name of whoever it was that spouted out those quotes has been printed in the smallest font available… probably out of embarrassment for having said it. Is that Hitler in one of those stars?
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