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Warning: Spoilers for the Jurassic World series are in play. If you haven't caught either film, and want to avoid spoilers, RUUUUUUUN to another story.
It's been three years since Jurassic World reintroduced audiences to John Hammond's dream, and only a few short days since Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom's epic events took their first bow on domestic screens. However, if the past has taught us anything, it's that there are still going to be some brutal dino deaths taking place in the world of the failed theme park and its resident attractions. So much as we did with Jurassic Park's trilogy of deaths, we're going to run through the unlucky bastards of this current generation of dino-mayhem. If you want to see the honored and not-so-honored dead from the Jurassic Park trilogy, you can visit their exploits here. From here on out though, it's all about the present, so let's get started.
The Indominous Paddock Supervisor / Park Worker
Who They Were: To work in any Carnivore paddock, there's most assuredly a thought cast towards the possibility that one day, you could become dinosaur chow. In the case of the Indominous Rex, there was one park worker, as well as the paddock supervisor, that worked with the beast. Their job was to make sure it was contained and fed - and at the very least, they got part of that job right.
How They Died: Just when Jurassic World seems to be falling into its groove of safe theme park-style bliss, the sociopathic Indominous lures Owen Grady, the paddock supervisor, and a park worker, into its pen. Before long, the human side of this equation starts to catch wise that this creature that can cloak itself is hiding out, waiting for some human munchies. All three humans run for the open door, with the park worker getting picked up and munched first, and the paddock supervisor getting snatched from under a truck and eaten off camera.
Brutal Death Rating: 3 - We don't see these deaths on camera, and what little we know seems quick and painless for both of these gentlemen. Next time you're applying for a job, be sure to check the responsibilities of the post really carefully.
The Asset Containment Unit Team
Who They Were: A team of eight Asset Containment Unit employees, lead by a man named Hamada, whose sole job was to apprehend the Indominous Rex by any non-lethal means necessary. These guys are the crack commandos that can normally take down the hearty beasts of the island with tranquilizers, so they can be put back in their pens. Normally.
How They Died: Active camoflage to the rescue again. The escaped I-Rex cloaked herself in the jungle, just waiting for someone like Hamada to find her removed tracker. In the time it took him to shout, "IT CAN CAMOFLAGE!" the dinosaur trampled Hamada, and then proceeded to lay waste to most of the ACU team by either striking them with her large tail, or in one case, chomping down on someone like a Snickers bar.
Brutal Death Rating: 4 - Besides one severely bloody death that we get some gruesome blood spatter out of, these guys got off pretty light.
Simon Masrani And His ACU Backup
Who They Were: Simon Masrani, the owner and operator of Jurassic World, was taking helicopter lessons prior to the breakdown of the theme park he was in charge of. So naturally, he thought it was a good idea to take two more ACU members into the field in order to personally take back his park from the clutches of the Indominous Rex.
How They Died: After the Indominous Rex gave the ACU team on the ground the slip, Masrani and two ACU members took matters into their own hands. Strapping a high caliber gun to the chopper, this mini team takes to the air, blasting the I-Rex with round after round. Unfortunately, this grand plan doesn't work, releasing several pterosaurs into
Brutal Death Rating: 6 - Between dangling from a helicopter, being pierced in the heart by a pterosaur in said helicopter, and ultimately being incinerated in the ensuing crash, it's pretty brutal. Though at the very least, the crash ended things quick enough when all was said and done.
Who They Were: A personal assistant to Clare Dearing, poor Zara had one job for the day: to babysit Zack and Gray as they went through a day in Jurassic World. A young woman who was engaged to be married, and had no qualms putting her foot down when it came to a bachelor party, she was soon given the slip by both boys during their day in the park.
How They Died: As if the risk of being fired wasn't enough of a headache, once Zara found Zack and Gray, she was put through the harshest death in the Jurassic World series thus far, in my opinion. She was first picked up by a pterosaur, only to be dropped into the Mosasaurus lagoon. That wasn't enough though, as she was picked up by another pterosaur, only to find her final fate by being eaten by the Mosasaurus that also ate said pterosaur.
Brutal Death Rating: 10, full stop. There's still some pretty brutal stuff ahead, but this kill has stuck out with the Jurassic fandom since the first bite, and it's going to take a lot to top this one in the canon.
Who They Were: When things started hitting the fan hardcore, the in park hardass in charge of security, Vic Hoskins, decided to bring in some outside help. These contractors, courtesy of the infamous InGen Corporation, took no prisoners when it came to tracking and hunting the Indominous Rex. Fully armed, and trained, these soldiers of fortune were about to go on the ultimate safari - with the assistance of Owen Grady's Raptor Squad.
How They Died: The Raptor Squad tasked with finding the I-Rex completed their job, but in the process found themselves a new Alpha leader. Under the Indominous Rex's orders, Owen's raptors set to attacking the entire squad of mercenaries tasked with capturing them. One by one, each man was eaten alive, dragged through the jungle, and made into play things for Blue, Charlie, Delta, and Echo.
Brutal Death Rating: 7 - It's a classic raptor feast, with claws and jaws at work. Though one would think it was a little less painful than the last big raptor kill in the film.
Who They Were: Head of security. Co-conspirator with Dr. Henry Wu and the inGen corporation. General pain in the ass. All of these things describe Vic Hoskins, but the first two qualifiers are most important. A military vet obsessed with weaponizing dinosaurs, he took full advantage of the ensuing chaos that overtook Jurassic World, and ultimately paid for his misdeeds.
How They Died: To be eaten by a raptor is one thing. But to be eaten alive by a raptor, after getting your arm chomped in its jaws, is even worse. After trying to reason with a stray raptor that interrupted his villainous monologue, that is exactly what happened, causing the normally stoic Hoskins to scream for his life.
Brutal Death Rating: 8. It happens off camera, but with an arm for a starter course, the rest of Hoskins' consumption was assuredly a most painful event.
The Sub Pilots
Who They Were: The park's gone, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom started its killing early, and with horrific precision. Our first two victims of this latest excursion were hired hands piloting a mini-sub into the Mosasaurus lagoon, thinking that the creature was dead and that they were free to raid the bones of the Indominous Rex as they were hired to do. Little did they know, they'd go out as quietly as they came in.
How They Died: As it turned out, the rumors of the Mosasaurus's death were greatly exagerated. As part of a one-two punch of island life feasting on the trespassers, we're shown that the beast is still swimming in its home and alerted to an alien presence thanks to the retrieval of their ill gotten gains. The sub pilots prepare to leave the lagoon, and just as they turn out the lights, we see the Mosasaurus about to eat their sub - quickly, quietly, hold the mayo.
Brutal Death Rating: 1. It's an artful kill, but it's not that big of a deal. Just two people, hanging out, slowly being ingested by the clone of a prehistoric creature.
The Tech Merc
Who They Were: While the two sub pilots were playing Marco Polo with the Mosasaurus, a man known as "The Tech Merc" was on the surface, controlling the gates into the lagoon. A valuable team member, his job was to open and close the doors that'd let the underwater team in to retrieve the DNA sample they were hired to grab. Little did he know, he was about to play a game of tag with the most legendary dinosaur of them all.
How They Died: Take a stationary object that makes a lot of noise, a lot of shouting, and a huge storm, and you've got the perfect recipe for feeding Rexy, the Tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park. After several close calls, our Tech Merc thought he got away clean, and in the case of Rexy he did. It's just a shame the Mosasaurus came up for seconds, and chomped the ladder he was riding on, with him still on it.
Brutal Death Rating: 2. Again, it's a pretty quick and simple chomp and swallow for the Mosasaurus, but this time it has just that little oomph that puts it above a simple sub sandwich.
Who They Were: The former partner of John Hammond, Benjamin Lockwood had done something so unholy he became persona non grata to the person that used to be one of his best colleagues. As his health declined, his empire was slowly transformed into something even more un-ethical, and he did not know any better because he trusted the man that did it.
How They Died: Eventually, Lockwood realized that Eli Mills was using his fortune and resources to create an operation that's weaponize dinosaurs for the highest bidder. When Benjamin called Mills out on his deeds, the younger villain had two choices: call the police and turn himself in, or smother his boss with a pillow. He chose the latter option, and Benjamin Lockwood's legacy came to an end.
Brutal Death Rating: 3. It takes quite some energy to smother a person, and there's definitely a struggle; but Lockwood is the only non-dinosaur kill in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, so there's a peace to it.
Various Random Guards
Who They Were: Here's another lesson in selective job application. If you're a hired gun for black arms dealers with dinosaurs in posession, or with the intent to acquire a dinosaur, you should not only call out sick the night of the big dinosaur auction, you should probably put in your two weeks notice. A lot of the men didn't take the time to think their professions through that throughly, and as such they're no longer with us.
How They Died: Between Blue sparring with two guards in an exploding lab, or an Indoraptor breaking up Eli Mills' big monologue by snatching up a rando mercenary, there's a lot of folks that were ended by the creatures they were hired to keep under control. Though the explosion in the lab didn't help any either.
Brutal Death Rating: Average of a 6.
Who They Were: The leader of the mercenaries hired to capture the dinosaurs of Isla Nublar, Ken Wheatley was like Roland Tembo from The Lost World: Jurassic Park, only he didn't respect the dinosaurs he was stalking, and he liked to keep the teeth of these creatures as his trophies. So obviously, the most coveted prize he could ever set his eyes on was a tooth from the one and only Indoraptor prototype.
How They Died: Ken Wheatley died as he lived: as a greedy, covetous slimeball. While he was trying to retrieve a tooth from the Indoraptor, the animal was luring him into a continued false sense of security, convincing him that it was sedated. As he struggled to pull that tooth, he was eventually hoisted into the air, losing his arm in the process. And that wasn't the end, as his quarry roared a loud and might roar, before devouring him in its cage.
Brutal Death Rating: 10, although Zara could pull ahead if we were using decimal points.
Gunnar Eversol / Elevator Of Auction Patrons
Who They Were: Auctions need two things: auctioneers and patrons to bid on the products being shown off. Both were present, as Gunnar Eversol oversaw a night of dino commerce that exceeded even his wildest dreams. But once the dinosaurs escaped, including the Indoraptor prototype that fetched the highest price tag of the evening, he and the patrons scattered to the nearest exits. If only the Indoraptor wasn't so damned smart.
How They Died: The Indoraptor was treated to a box lunch of human produce, as it flicked its tail to short out the door lock on the last elevator out of the auction hall. Just as Gunnar and his customers thought they'd escaped, the doors opened up, and the Frankenstein creation roared before tucking in.
Brutal Death Rating: 7. There is nothing clean about this kill, as that many people in one space are going to panic, get in the way of one another, and become injured on top of being the Indoraptor's meal.
Who They Were: One of the biggest, perhaps the biggest villain on the human side of the Jurassic World, Eli Mills was in charge of Benjamin Lockwood's vast fortune and scientific resources. What was once an endeavor of scientific altruism became a black market weapons operation, with Mills calling the shots and Lockwood's money paying the bills.
How They Died: Saving the best for last in terms of the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom timeline, Eli Mills almost bought it under a car trampled by various dinosaurs freed from captivity. But clearly, that was not a fitting death for a man who tried to sell the miracle of life as a cheap trinket. Instead, he became a split entree between Rexy the Tyrannosaur and the Carnotaurus she bullied earlier on Isla Nublar. Whether this means they've made up or not will have to wait until Jurassic World 3, but you know what they say about good food making good friends.
Brutal Death Rating: 9