Into The Blue

Get ready to feast on the eye candy buffet featured in John Stockwell’s deep-sea adventure Into The Blue. After filming Blue Crush, with its stunning underwater cinematography and hot people in skimpy bathing suits, he has decided to use that same format on another movie. Both films are packed with beautiful things to gawk at, but Stockwell doesn’t see the need for coherent plots or engaging dialogue. Do yourself a favor and watch Into The Blue on mute. That way you won’t have to torture yourself by watching Jessica Alba and Paul Walker try and pretend like they are of this species.

Into The Blue deals with a group of people in the Bahamas searching for buried treasures beneath the sea. Jared Cole (Paul Walker) is a part-time treasure hunter, after recently quitting his job working for an unethical scuba instructor named Bates (Josh Brolin). He passes time in leaky boats, and canoodles with bikini-bearing girlfriend Sam (Jessica Alba). She works as a shark handler at a local resort, and they hang out in his dinky trailer. Even though they ain’t got money, he’s so in love with her, honey.

When Jared’s longtime lawyer friend Bryce (Scott Caan) comes to visit from New York, he arrives with new skinny bimbo-of-the-week on his arm, Amanda (Ashley Scott). While diving around deep under the sea, they make a startling discovery—a centuries old Zephyr ship, loaded with ancient jewels. But there is a catch: Next to the ship is a crashed plane, stacked to the brink with more cocaine than a Kate Moss photo shoot. They decide to pursue the new American Dream—looting money instead of earning it—and try to steal the drugs to finance their quest to collect goods from the sunken ship. They could make millions of dollars, if they play it smart and show even the slightest hint of intelligence. Clearly, such a thing would be far too much to ask from these surfer dudes.

Into The Blue is the movie version of a Sports Illustrated calendar. There is no need to waste time on a good story when you have models strutting their stuff in excess. The dialogue by Matt Johnson, who also wrote Torque, is so awful that you have to wonder how many writing classes he failed before hitting it big. When Bryce first meets Sam, he exclaims, “Hey, can I get a what-what and a side of fries?” The male characters repeatedly call each other “Bro”, and Jared uses the word “Gnarly” without laughing at himself. Another baffling problem is that they are all able to stay underwater without a scuba tank for nearly half an hour at a time. I guess if you’re super attractive, you don’t need things like oxygen.

It goes without saying that the acting is laughable, but the movie isn’t nearly as entertaining as it ought to be. It’s a big tease on every level, and never really delivers anything. There is a hard-core action sequence at the very end of the pic, but it drags for nearly two hours to get there. A lot of violence follows, including shark attacks and spears ramming through people, but don’t expect a sex scene. The hottest moment we’re given is a bit of celebrity spooning. I can hear the MPAA patting themselves on the backs from here. Into The Blue is a campy underwater fiasco, a leftover summer movie that sat on the shelves for too long.