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Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD is nothing more than a flimsy excuse to watch dudes get decapitated and women whip out their gigantic breasts. It’s morally bankrupt and consistently depraved. It features the flimsiest of plots and skimpiest of tops, mashed together in an hour and twenty minutes of reckless, R-rated momentum. Little kids get massacred. A severed head motorboats boobs well after bleeding out, and Christopher Lloyd excitedly rambles about flesh-eating fish. None of it is good by any reasonable definition, but goddamnit, it’s still a lot of fun.

Imagine what would happen if your average run-of-the-mill "animals attack" late night horror flick was reshot on the advice of an awkward horny dude living in his mom’s basement. “No---this scene isn’t working, can we get Gary Busey involved? Is there a way we could install a camera on the ladder so we can see vaginas when women are climbing out of the pool? More blood!” It’s all incredibly sophomoric and stomach-churning, but then again, Piranha 3DD never promises to be anything more.

You can tell by its laughable story arc. The piranhas from the first movie have escaped the waters of Lake Victoria, and they’re looking for fresh blood. Sleazy businessman Chet (David Koechner) decides to turn his deceased wife’s water park into an adult entertainment exhibition featuring strippers as lifeguards and a special pool for nude swimming. His step-daughter Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) is none too pleased about his new direction, but as minority owner, she’s forced to watch Chet do as he pleases. Opening day arrives, David Hasselhoff is hired for promo and the piranhas, of course, storm the celebration.

There are also minor subplots involving Shelby (Katrina Bowden) who is desperate to lose her virginity, Barry (Matt Bush) who wants Maddy to fall in love with him and Andrew (Paul Scheer) and Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) who are trying to get over the last time piranhas attacked; but the film just sort of picks up those narratives and drops them whenever it’s convenient. From a storytelling standpoint, this doesn’t really work, but from a maximizing blood and boobs per minute ratio, it’s definitely the smart call.

Piranha 3D attempted to be a B-movie but wound up having a slightly broader appeal because it was pretty funny and the right level of gory. Piranha 3DD is a bit harder on the nudity and a bit softer on the comedy. As a result, it’s more of an actual B-movie. It has more intentional eye-rolling moments and more gratuitous camera angles. It probably won’t be as popular, but that doesn’t mean it still won’t be enjoyed by the right crowd.

Piranha 3DD is the type of movie you should watch with a few beers, a few good friends and turned off filters. There should be high-fiving, muttered encouragement for the piranhas to eat children and continual shouts of “Boobs!”. If that sounds like a pathetic and miserable night, don’t even consider paying to see this movie, but if that sounds like some stupid shit you could get up to at 1 AM, browse your OnDemand menu.

Mack Rawden
Mack Rawden

Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, the NBA and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.