Of all of life's guarantees, the metaphorical "death and taxes" are pretty good examples, but I think we have something that's even more of a surety: if anyone from the MTV stunt show Jackass tells a story about the grossest thing one of their fans ever did, it is going to be the grossest thing you've heard in a long time, if not ever. And the prophecy holds true now, with this horrifying tale from Bam Margera. Stomach-spoiler warning for anyone who gets queasy easily.
I did one signing where I ate somethin' with a bunch of tomatoes in it right before. We did the signing and I was sipping on Coronas. I guess I drank too much and I threw up this mix of Corona and tomatoes. Right afterwards this fucking hot chick jumped out of the line and sucked it all up. It wasn't a Jackass stunt, it was like, I want Bam's throw up in my body! It was fucking weird. That was the gnarliest thing, and she was cute too and that was more mind boggling. She sucked up my throw up not as a dare, she just did it because she wanted it inside of her.
Ohhhh, man. Ohhhh, man. Somebody catch me. I'm starting to feel faint. That was just as bad for me as the first time I read it. What in the gastrointestinal fuck would ever inspire someone to get all canine about someone else's vomit? Like, I love John Cleese, and I love Bob Odenkirk, and I love Kaitlin Olson...but the furthest I'd ever go down THAT particular rabbit hole is maybe acting casual if any of them walked out of a bathroom and shook my hand without washing his or her hands. I'm definitely not trying to redistribute their calories for my personal benefit. That is next level appreciation. Or something.
What's that, you say you want to dive deeper into this nastiness that Bam Margera shared with Jankemmag.com? Let's do it. How exactly did said attractive female go about sucking up the slapdash tomato stew that Bam expelled through non-osmosis? Was she packing a box full of connectable silly straws? Did she maybe have some kind of a foam-based pool noodle toy that she orally vacuumed it up with? Or did she just go for it with the natural finger utensils that she was birthed with? I dare not hypothesize anything involving lips touching the ground.
Also, it's worth noting that this story would have been disgusting had it come delivered in a completely clinical format, without the sentence "She sucked up my throw up not as a dare, she just did it because she wanted it inside of her." But it does have that sentence, as well as the other ones, and it's horrible. That's not an additional point so much as an extension of the other ones, but it had to be said.
Jackass isn't on the air anymore, and it doesn't look like any other movies are going to be made anytime soon. His last big TV gig was for the VH1 series Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn, where he and his mother April worked out some of their problems based on his substance abuse and attitude towards family members. (It was only in 2015 when familiar Jackass face Don Vita Margera, Bam's oft-pranked uncle, died at 59.) But you can bet that TV isn't done with old Bam, and here's hoping his next venture is entirely free of Mexican beers and red fruits.