Okay, confession time: I was never really a fan of the original Beverly Hills 90210, so I spent my time leading up to tonight's premier by reading reminiscences around the web and browsing wikipedia entries.
After all this reading, I have only one question - what the hell have I gotten myself into? It looks like we'll be following the same formula as the original, with a few small tweaks. Join me, won't you?
We open with our Walsh replacements - the Wilsons - in their van with Brandon and Brenda's replacements (Annie and Dixon) complaining about moving from wherever the hell they're from (Kansas) to West Beverly to take care of the Mr. Wilson's mom in the house he grew up in. Incidentally, I just realized that Mrs. Wilson is Aunt Becky from Full House.
Apparently Grandma used to be a fixture on Skin-a-max and now has an alcohol problem. After grandma trashes the family's choice in vehicles, the kids are sprinkled with exposition fairy dust and give us some back story about boyfriends , flings with "Ethan" two summers ago and the fact that Dixon may be black, but all anyone needs to know is that he's Annie's brother.
When the kids make it to school, Annie finds out that "Ethan" is a man-whore uber-jock and thus our new Steve and we find out that the kids' dad is the new principal. Dixon meets the new Andrea, who is actually Andrea's daughter, and the new David, though I didn't catch these kids' first names.
In Annie's English class, we meet Naomi, apparently the Kelly replacement and Annie's guide around school.
Speaking of Kelly, apparently she used to roll with Mr. Wilson in junior high. In case you haven't been reading about the show ahead of time, Kelly is the new guidance counselor.
Annie lets Naomi off the hook and tries to get in with the cool crowd before finding out that Naomi is dating Ethan the man-whore and running into Adrianna, the super-bitchy theater major. Actually, I don't think I'll be describing anyone as bitchy anymore. Unless I say otherwise, assume every woman in this show is bitchy as hell. So far, the only exceptions are Annie and her mom.
After the commercial break, Ethan tries to explain away his sluttiness to Annie, who caught him being... slutty with someone who is not Naomi.
Ooooh, and Adrianna has a dark side- she likes to partake of recreational materials and owes the local dealer an apparently large sum of money.
Annie finally meets someone cool and it's Silver/Erin - David and Kellys little step-sister. I told you I read up on my backstory, people! Naomi is apparently not so fond of our little Silver.
Naomi's parents apparently think that money can buy their daughter a passing grade and are rather pissed that it can't. Apparently, Mr. Wilson is a pimp - he used to hump Naomi's mom, too.
Flash to Naomi and Annie at The Peach Pit where Naomi finds out that her parents couldn't get her out of writing a report by tomorrow and cons Annie into letting Naomi use her paper for reference. That music you hear is the sound of an impending moral lesson.
Apparently, Dixon is a lacrosse god and takes the spot of George, Ethan's dumb friend, on the team. George is displeased and decides to show Dixon how we do things in the OC, bitch. Umm... Beverly Hills is in the OC, right?
On a side note, Orlando is in Orange County, FL. I feel this gives me the right to tell people how we do things in the OC. Just so ya know.
Back from commercial and Grandma wants to know if Dixon kicked George's ass. She also has excellent advice on how to take a man down. It involves twisting of sacs and whatnot. Against Mr. Wilson's better judgment, Annie gets to go to Naomi's birthday party.
Adrianna meets Naomi and Ethan at the Peach Pit After Dark. Adrianna still doesn't have the dopeman's money and she's eyeing Naomi's cash so that she doesn't have to get on her hands and knees looking for a piece of rock. That's an NWA reference, people. I got culture.
Meanwhile, Naomi's mom shows up at the Wilson home to get drunk and make things awkward for the parents. Mr. Wilson is no longer allowed to give Aunt Becky crap about one of her ex-boyfriends, probably John Stamos.
Back to the Peach Pit After Dark where Naomi and Ethan are having relationship issues and Adrianna is jacking purses.
The next morning, back at school, Silver is somehow pulling half a million hits per day (I'm jealous) on her blog and making goofy flash videos mocking Annie as a farmer from Kansas. Silver is apparently displeased that Annie dared to hang out with Anti-Christ Naomi. Annie is understandably unsympathetic after getting ripped to a half-million people. Kelly shows up and basically calls Silver a stupid bitch. Also, Naomi apparently did something OMGHorrible(!) to Silver in the past.
Ethan goes out like a punk-ass bitch in front of the coach and principle and says that Dixon attacked George instead of the other way around. The coach says he has no other choice but to throw Dixon off of the team. Dixon gets all emo and tells Annie that Lacrosse is the one thing that makes him really feel like Mr. Wilson's son. Annie hunts down Ethan and calls him out as a punk-ass bitch.
In class, Naomi presents Annie's report as her own and Annie freaks out. Naomi buys her off with an awesome dress.
Junkie Adrianna is rehearsing her play and SIlver tries to make up with Annie. Meanwhile, Dixon contemplates telling Naomi that Ethan is a man-whore. Silver tries to make up with Annie by suggesting to the teacher that Annie join the chorus. Annie's all excited until her dad asks her why Naomi turned in her paper. Told you there was a moral lesson coming.
Back in the principle's office, Annie is disinvited to Naomi's party for fessing up to writing the report. Naomi's mom apparently thinks she's stupid and Mr. Wilson uses reverse psychology to get Naomi to do her own damn work. If that trick worked on her, I think Naomi's mom is right - she's kinda stupid.
In the parking lot, George talks shit about Dixon and Ethan kicks his ass. Apparently, Ethan also told the coach the truth because he tells Annie to tell Dixon that he's back on the team. When she does, Dixon feels all guilty for telling Naomi about Ethan's manwhore tendencies.
That night, Mr and Mrs. Wilson talk about Beverly Hills being the devil's country, full of temptation, and whether it's fair that they let Dixon go to the party when he got into a fight but Annie was grounded for letting Naomi copy her paper. Obviously, it was their Midwestern "boys can do whatever they want but girls must be sheltered" sensibilities. I'm only half-joking about that. They head up to Annie's bedroom to let her go to the party, but it's too late - she's already gone to apologize for Dixon's shit. They think they lucked out when they find out that Naomi's purse got jacked, but Adrianna the jacker gives the purse back, without the cash.
Meanwhile, Mr. Wilson shows up at the party and gets waylaid by Naomi's mom who tells him that when he thought she ran away to Europe for the summer, she was at a clinic giving birth to his son that she put up for adoption. OMG DRAMA!!!
While Naomi reads Dixon's text message outing Ethan as a ho-bag, her dad is calling her to dance with Ethan. She questions him about his ho activities with ho tendencies and, when he doesn't deny that ho's is his friends and ho's is his enemies, she freaks out and takes off.
By the way, Silver has since apologized to Annie and they take off to a "real" party on the beach to check out surfer dudes. They accidentally run into Ethan by Silver's design and Annie starts flirting with him because she can totally change him. I smell our replacement Brenda/Dylan romance!
In Kelly's house, she tells someone on the phone that "he's been asking about" them right before we see her son. Kelly did a lot of humping, so the mystery person could be anyone, especially since the person on the phone isn't even necessarily the dad.
Annnd the first half of the show culminates in dancing on the beach and ruining some very expensive-looking suits and dressed. That's how they do things in the OC, bitches.
The next morning, Grandma spilled Scotch - I mean iced tea - on her computer, Annie broke up with her Kansas boyfriend, and Mr and Mrs. Wilson are fighting over his unknown child, who is probably one of the already seen male characters, like George. Remember that I made this prediction.
Before they can really get anywhere, they both get called to work and the school has been trashed by Palisades Hall. The Lacrosse team wants to retaliate, but Mr. Wilson says noooo. Can I just say how ridiculous it is that instead of football rivalries, West Beverly has Lacrosse rivalries.
Ethan tries to make up with Naomi, but she ain't having it. Neither is George, who tries the whole "why don't you watch where I'm going" line. Unfortunately for him, even I pull that off better than he does. Poor Ethan even strikes out with Annie, who brushes him off to run into the resident hottie singer and drool like an idiot.
Adrianna the junkie can't be bothered to pay attention to class because she's busy getting ready for a movie rehearsal. When the teacher tries to belittle her, she smacks him down by claiming to need to pay the mortgage.
Dixon tries to get in on the retaliation, but nobody wants to play with the principal's kid. Summer's trying to do a blog while Annie's eyes are making out with the singing hottie. I think his name is Ty. Apparently neither he nor Annie realize that only douches are named Ty.
Summer's latest "blogisode" is mocking Naomi's heartbreak and she has to find out from a sympathetic goth chick. Noone wants to be pitied by a goth and Naomi makes her displeasure known by finding Ethan in order to deliver a bitchslap.
Back at the Peach Pit, Naomi's eyeing George because of that urban myth that the best way to get back at a dude is to hook up with his ex-best friend.
Dixon's whining to the replacement David about not being able to help retaliate and playing a video game with graphics worse than the NES. Does remembering the NES make me seem old. Anyway, Dixon and Neo-David are low on ideas so they start digging through old books when Grandma shows up with a story about people playing in pig poo.
Mom allows Annie to go out on a date with Ty, but apparently the hot singing douche is loaded, because he takes Annie out to his private jet so that they can fly to San Francisco to "get a bite to eat". I predict drama. I know, who'da thunk it?
Annie has to call Silver for advice on whether she should go. Silver, of course, tells her to get her ass on the plane and then hangs up to rub Naomi's face in her mess. Annie gets on the plane and flirts it up with the flying singing rich douche.
Neo-David's dad is a porn producer and apparently has a shoot involving pigs, so he and Dixon head over to the set for some pig shit. They don't stay to watch the shoot, though, because Neo-David's dad has two rules: No porn until 27 and they always eat dinner together. Porn tycoons are big on family values.
Back at the Peach Pit, where Kelly is meeting someone and it's OMG Brenda! Brenda and Kelly and Nat, all in the same shot! I'm sure lots of people are going nuts right now, so I'm willing to fake it.
Brenda says that Brandon is good and Kelly says that she talked to him at 3am the other night, which makes me wonder if he was the one on the phone the other night. Is Brandon Kelly's baby daddy? Hmmmm.
So Dixon and Neo-David call in the rest of the Lacrosse team on their prank - letting pigs loose in the school and they all love the idea. They'll never get that pig smell out of the truck, though.
Naomi and George are getting drunk and making out and I doubt Ethan will care. While Annie has been off in San Francisco with Sir Douche-a-lot, her grandma was in a car accident and everyone's been trying to call her. See??? Drama!
Grandma's fine, though, so no worries - she's just chilling with Ethan's grandma. Ethan and Annie talk outside and he's all threatened by Rich Douche. Annie blows him off and they reminisce about old times to a nice backing track by Jason Mraz and Ethan lets on that he totally wants Annie's body.
Back at school, Mr. Wilson is interrogating the Lacrosse team about their prank and threatens to end their season if nobody comes clean.
Junkie girl is ready for her audition, everyone knows about Naomi and George, and Mr. Wilson wants Dixon to snitch on the pranksters. Knowing that snitches get stitches like punk-ass bitches, Dixon admits to coming up with the prank and has a "I learned it by watching you!" moment when he tells his dad that he got the idea from his grandma's story about Mr. Wilson's prank in his school years.
Silver talks to Annie about her plane trip and Annie notices that Silver has a tattoo that matches one of Naomi's. Now we get the story of Naomi betraying Silver by spreading the story of Silver's dad cheating on her mom with her best friend. I believe this means that David's dad cheated on Kelly's mom, for those keeping score.
Mr. Wilson suspended Dixon off of the team for his prank. Ethan and Neo-David feel guilty and tell Mr. Wilson that since they helped, he should suspend them, too.
At home, Mrs. Wilson found a matchbook from San Francisco in Annie's stuff and confronts her. Mom's displeased, so the ladies talk a walk through their palatial estate to have a heart-to-heart. Annie's defense is "that's what kids do!", but it doesn't fly with mom.
At the Peach Pit, Ethan and Naomi talk about the George incident and Ethan decides to make the on-again, off-again off for good.
Back at home, Mr. Wilson tells Dixon that he's back on the team after a one-game suspension that he and Ethan will have to serve.
Ryan, the English teacher and coach, shows up at Kelly's house with flowers because he totally wants to get in Kelly's hot hot pants. Brenda tries to help a brother out and offers to watch Kelly's son while they get some dinner.
Dixon and Annie are both grounded for, like, ever but don't care, the parents are considering moving back to Kansas, and Annie is making out with Richie McDouchebag when Ethan shows up, presumedly to tell her how he feels about her.
And that's finally it. So far, the show isn't nearly as bad as I had feared, but I'm glad there won't be any more two-hour episodes.