TV Recap: Gossip Girl - Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Gossip Girl’s ratings are looking pretty bleak, and although this was a perfectly fine episode, I understand why. I honestly feel as though I’ve been watching this scene forever. The storylines keep going on and on and on, and nothing gets resolved. CW has very few successful shows, so I understand why they would want to milk a buzz-getter like Gossip Girl for all its worth, but this show would be greatly helped by a shortened season.

While last week’s episode seemed to find all of our characters with acute cases of amnesia, this week’s episode finds everyone just generally oblivious. Vanessa returns to Brooklyn, her brief, pointless affair with Chuck apparently over. She has no real purpose in this episode other than to be the Greek chorus.

She not only tells Dan about tapping that Bass, but also alerts him to the fact that the real estate market ain’t what it used to be, and as a result, people are not clamoring to buy art galleries/coffee shops that are supposed to be located in Williamsburg but are actually in DUMBO because DUMBO stands for “Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass,” which is that bridge you see in EVERY SINGLE SHOT of “Williamsburg.” Ugh. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. It’s been bothering me for the past two years.

Anyway, the net result is that Rufus once again finds himself unable to pay for Yale, and also unable to propose to his pregnant (in real life; on the show she just has an affinity for hiding herself behind blankets at all times) lady friend. So Dan and Jenny’s super-cute Parent Trap-ish plan of breaking open their piggy banks and buying Lily’s engagement ring to show their support is all for naught, especially because Rufus proves himself to be a complete idiot (but more on that later).

Rufus is in fine company; flanked by the two biggest idiots on the Upper East Side: Nate and Serena. Nate is the one who last week found himself shocked, just shocked that Blair would scheme to get what she wants. This week, he’s surprised because Chuck and Blair aren’t over each other. I mean, really. Where has this guy been? Blair and Chuck will never be over each other, unless it’s in a weird kinky sense that involves some sort of swing or trapeze-like apparatus.

For her part, Serena spent the entire episode being completely stupid, save for one intelligent observation. Gabriel is obviously running a scam, which Blair and Chuck quickly and easily pick up on. They then join forces to prove this fact to Serena, which Serena rightly pegs as an excuse to get back together.

Unfortunately for everyone else on the Upper East Side and the viewers who are stuck watching her dumb, coltish machinations, Serena refuses to believe that Gabriel is playing her. Even though his whole ruse with Poppy is as transparent as glass, she buys his, “I’d rather be poor than be without you” shtick.

What’s more is she basically opens the door for him to rip off her mother’s entire co-op by telling him to find investors at their party. He does just that, and it’s painfully obvious he’s going to rip everyone off. Poor little Rufus even gets into the game, and I think Gabriel is genuinely trying to get him to back off because he doesn’t want to steal his money, but Rufus insists on being a fool, so in the end Gabriel accepts his check. Way to go, dummy.

Gabriel is also spinning a yarn about how he met Serena at Butter the night Georgina roofied her but Butter was closed that night. Serena still believes there’s a logical explanation, so Blair ditches Nate and she and chuck go to find Georgina to find out what really happened that night.

They find her upstate somewhere at a Jesus camp where she babbles on and on about how she’s been saved. Even though Chuck doesn’t believe a word of it, it’s not until Georgina finds out that Blair was with him (she subsequently ditched Chuck in a fit of guilt and ran back to Nate [we’ll see how long ,that lasts]) that she somewhat drops the act and heads back to Manhattan with him.

So at the end of the episode, we have Rufus probably not getting married and probably losing all of his money, Dan not going to Yale, Nate and Blair probably not moving in together, Serena and Gabriel splitting up, Gabriel stealing everyone’s money, and Georgina returning to raise holy Hell. Next week should be a blast for everyone!