TV Recap: Hell's Kitchen - Where's the Beef?

Previously: Chef Ramsey donned some latex makeup to eavesdrop on the new contestants on their way to Hell’s Kitchen and ended up looking like a cross between Ozzie Osbourne and Mrs. Doubtfire. Dinner service was a mess, with all of the patrons “spontaneously” leaving. The Guy’s team screwed up more, so they had to nominate someone to leave. Bobby (aka “The Black Gordon Ramsey”) and Dominic were on the chopping block. Ultimately Ramsey sent stay-at-home dad Dominic back to his kids.

Hell’s Kitchen definitely has one of the more embarrassing reality show opening credit sequences out there.

Every time I watch a new season of a series like this that’s been on the air for a few years, I’m amazed at the fact that there are always a couple of people who seem to have never watched the show before. Seriously. Jason is whining about how he got yelled at and he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Really? Really Jason? You didn’t realize that Gordon Ramsey, who between this show and Kitchen Nightmares is responsible for employing every single bleeper in the city of Los Angeles may yell a little? That maybe, in the course of that yelling he’ll use a few bad words? You donkey.

I know that as a somewhat enlightened person, that I should be upset at the acts of humiliation that Gordon puts the contestants through, but I’m kind of not. When he wakes them up at 5:30 in the morning, backs a garbage truck up to them in the alley and makes them go through all of last night’s garbage and put all of the wasted food into clear containers, I think it’s kind of amusing. Although the best part is when Ramsey tells Sharon, who definitely appears to be wearing blue eyeshadow (I wonder if it’s tattooed on Tammy Fay-style) not to smudge her makeup.

Today’s challenge involves giant halibuts. Now, I know nothing about fish, but I had no idea that halibuts were the size of kindergarteners. Anyway, the contestants are still in the Men and Women’s teams and they have to filet the halibut and make six-ounce portions. The team with the most perfect portions wins. The women appear to have the edge, but in the first time in the history of the show, a challenge ends with a tie with each team ending up with 41 portions. The tiebreaker is pretty straightforward: each team chooses one member to come and pick a portion that they think is closest to six ounces. The person who is nearest to six ounces wins.

Corey from the Red team and Ben from the Blue team are the chosen ones. Ben’s fillet (which Gordon pronounces with the “t” intact—is that a British thing?) is pretty damn close at 5.9 ounces and much better than Corey’s 4.8 ounces. Because they lost, the Red team is preparing all of the halibut and fish stock for the dinner service. While they’re doing that, the Blue team will be hanging out on a yacht, drinking champagne and eating lobster.

Ugh. Jason is so annoying. He blathers on and on about how the girls can’t do anything because they don’t have a man leading them and something about a Tupperware party, and it’s just dumb. Not because what he’s saying is offensive to women, but because you know he’s just saying it to get screen time and to be a reality show badass. When you’re the worst on your team, stuff like that is just sad.

Oh, man. This show is ridiculous. After Petrozza can’t name a single thing on the menu, prompting Ramsey to yell at him, Bobby finds him out on the patio saying, “I’m done, I’m done,” over and over again. Bobby gives him a pep talk, physically buttons up Petrozza’s chef’s jacket and even gives him a clean corner of apron to wipe his tears away, which brings Petrozza back to the kitchen with a newfound ability to recite the menu.

Dinner service gets off to a great start, with the Blue team serving all 48 of their appetizers and moving onto entrees. Unfortunately for them, entrees don’t fare as well, as many items appear to be cold and undercooked. Eventually, however, both teams start to get entrees out, but it doesn’t take long for everything to fall apart. As soon as a raw piece of halibut gets sent back to the kitchen, Ramsey orders everything shut down. After all is said and done, the Blue team wins. He chooses Corey as the “best of the worst” and tells her to go nominate two people for elimination.

Corey turns out to be a jackass who nominates people she doesn’t like. She chooses Christina and Jen, despite the fact that neither did anything wrong. Ramsey is predictably annoyed and decides to just get rid of Sharon, with her Barbie eye shadow and Hannibal Lecter tongue. Ramsey sums it up thusly: “Sharon had great attention to detail. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for her cooking—it was for her makeup.”

Next week: Hot tubs, fights, Jason threatens to quit, and the ladies start fires.