Like it or not, it’s already time for the season finale of Nip/Tuck.
Drs. McNamara and Troy treat a pair of Halloween freaks who’ve been reading too much Anne Rice. Giselle Blaylock and her man Legend Chandler are self-professed vampires who tend to get carried away during foreplay. Giselle got a little nippy one night and bit Legend’s neck with her tiny fake fangs. Legend wanted his own taste so he decided to return the favor. But the stupid mothersucker sank his teeth into her jugular, almost killing her. Despite the health benefits and immortality they claim to receive from drinking each other’s blood, they want to wean themselves off O positive and repair the damage they’ve done to their throats.
All the talk of living forever makes Christian regret the end of his own life and wish for a way to cheat death. He thinks he’s devised the perfect plan when he tells Sean, Liz and Matt that he’s going to have a cryogenics lab put him on ice after his passing until they can find a cure for cancer. Of course the trio laugh it off but he’s serious. When Matt rightly points out that the exorbitant cost of the deep freeze could better serve the ones he leaves behind, Christian gets especially pissed. But a visit to the lab with Sean turns him around when he sees that he’ll have to share his liquid nitrogen with another corpse-icle.
The passage of time hasn’t been kind to Kimber. At least, according to her porno peddler boyfriend Ram who kicks her out of the bed they share with much younger and equally skanky Eden. With no place to go, she brings Jenna to Matt’s place and tells her their baby must live with him until she can get back on her feet. But Matt has a better idea: why don’t they get a place together and be a happy family once again? I think Kimber’s right when she tells Matt he must be back to smoking meth. Good thing Kimber’s only interested in getting in good with Christian for the cash. Then Matt bursts her bubble by announcing the impending nuptials.
Kimber visits Liz and tries to talk her out of the wedding. She reminds Liz that Christian was a nasty, womanizing man-slut when Kimber almost married him several seasons ago, but that man-slut will always love her best. Our Lizzy isn’t fazed, though; she already has the designer gown and ice sculptures – there’s no turning back. And if Kimber tries to start any trouble, she’ll claw her eyes out!
In a conversation with Liz during last week’s episode, Teddy alluded to a secret she’s been hiding and tonight we find out what that secret is: despite apparently being addicted to nitrous oxide, she’s been living a double life out in Vegas as a Southern redhead anesthesiologist named Dixie who’s married to another plastic surgeon! When she’s not in Sin City, she tells that doc she’s nursing her dying aunt. When she skips out on a date with Sean without calling, she tells him her aunt died in Houston and she’s been making funeral arrangements. Exhausting and weird. The lies will eventually catch up with her, but in the meantime she decides to unload her Vegas hubby via nitrous suffocation. What is it with Sean and these wackadoodle chicks?
Christian finally drops his quest for immortality, especially after he sees what it does to Giselle and Legend: their abstinence doesn’t last; before long, the blood lust takes over and they’re back to draining each other dry. Dr. Troy, on the other hand, will get back to the business of living before dying. His wedding to Liz is surprisingly tender and real. Not even Kimber showing up and interrupting the ceremony ruins it. He promises to love Lizzy for the rest of his days, and I swear I felt a tear.
Although he tries to be strong for his friend, Sean is having a difficult time dealing with the changes ahead. He can’t imagine the practice and life in general without Christian, but he vows to keep his memory alive. We can’t imagine life without Christian either, so I can’t blame Sean too much for dulling his pain with a sampling of nitrous.
Christian, Liz and Wilbur prepare to head to Italy for their honeymoon. They make a very unconventional family: whorish, dying Daddy; formerly lesbian, mannish Mama; and their black illegitimate son. But when adorable Wilbur asks Lizzy if he can call her mommy, you forget all that; you just want them to live a full and happy life together for as long as they can. Then Christian’s cell rings. It’s his oncologist. Christian has already come to terms with his impending death and has no time to discuss treatment or prognoses. Until his doctor reveals there was a mix-up at the lab. I guess “happily ever after” won’t end in six months, after all. Wow! I can’t wait for the start of next season!
My Predictions for Season 6: Upon hearing that he’s actually going to live, Christian instantly regrets his marriage to Liz. But rather than get an annulment, he just sleeps with other women behind Lizzy’s back. I definitely think Kimber will be one of those hoochies, and when Liz finds out all hell breaks loose! Liz eventually files for divorce and takes him for everything he’s got, including Wilbur. Oh, and I predict that Christian will decide to fake his cancer a little longer a la Sean when he pretended paralysis after his attack. Speaking of Sean and attacks, Teddy is gonna go psycho and try to kill him with nitrous oxide. Probably after she marries him first and gets him hooked on laughing gas. And lastly (if next season is the final season), everything will come full circle when the docs return to Miami and Julia comes home to Sean with the kids.