Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation is a simple man. Or at least, that's what he would have you believe. While the show had amazing cast members and even more amazing guests, the head of the parks department, played by Nick Offerman, has some of the funniest and most ridiculous lines. From words of advice to cutting insults, his quotes are some of the best from the show, so here are 32 of our favorite Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Rec.
Well I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things, or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.
If there is any quote that perfectly sums up Ron Swanson, it's this one. He's a man of principle and a man stuck in his ways. He's also a man stuck in the 1800s, apparently. There's a lot to criticize Ron over, but you can't call him inconsistent.
Please talk more about how you hate Europe and Bicycles.
When Ron is forced to find a new barber for the first time in decades, Donna, played by Retta, takes him to her hairdresser, Typhoon. At first, Ron thinks he'll have little in common with the new-age stylist, but they soon bond over their shared hatred for Europeans and bicycles. How nice for them.
Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Success is full of hilarious, if questionable, life advice. Apparently, to be "a man" or "a Swanson" you can only cry in two places. Ron does live up to this standard, mostly. He does occasionally cry when he's happy too, though. Besides at the Grand Canyon, that is.
Capitalism is the only way… It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.
If there is one thing that is pretty distasteful about Ron's set core of beliefs, it's his jingoism. It's not pretty. It's on full display when he heads to England, but that's not the only we see it. Do better, Ron.
Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.
At the risk of offending small dog owners (and I am one myself), Ron is 100% correct here. Dogs should be big and dopey, not small and yappy. The smaller the dog, the more cat-like they are. Like Ron, I'm not a cat person. I still love my tiny dog though.
I’m impressed with Andy, pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Reminds me of a young me. I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks I was running the floor. Child Labor Laws are ruining this country.
Andy (Chris Pratt) doesn't seem like the kind of person Ron would tolerate, yet he does, for some reason. Andy is a hard worker and dedicated to his job, (and a breakout role for Pratt) unlike Ron, but he also moonlights as a musician, playing in his band Mouse Rat, just like Ron moonlights as jazz musician Duke Silver.
I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.
Tom (Aziz Ansari) is someone whom Ron Swanson barely tolerates. Everything Tom does seems to drive Ron nuts, except what Tom doesn't do. By being generally terrible at his job and worrying more about this personal life, Tom is Ron's perfect employee.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
Ron Swanson hates lying. He talked about it more than once. He also doesn't like what he sees as health trends. Or anything healthy to eat, for that matter. Skim milk holds a special place of disdain in the heart of Ron.
The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
Something else Ron Swanson is consistent about it is his narcissism. While he probably wouldn't call it that, we just call 'em like we see 'em. Of course, he does care about people, a little.
Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
Another bit of "advice" from the Ron Swanson pyramid of greatness. While Ron doesn't seem to like fish, he sure does love shrimp, especially if it's wrapped in bacon. Bacon makes everything better.
The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.
Again, Ron really isn't into being healthy. He's also not interested in other people. That's why this quote is so perfect, it combines both of the things he seems most interested in.
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
It's safe to say that anything Chris does is going to upset Ron in some way, but Ron holds a deep mistrust of yoga. He mentions it on a number of occasions, but it's the most ridiculous when he compares it to fishing. Though, he's not wrong, both activities are relaxing.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
After being served what he thought was an underwhelming steak, Ron switches gears in one of the funniest scenes in the whole show. You can't help but be horrified and impressed by Ron's dedication to breakfast foods.
You had me at ‘Meat Tornado'
While Ron doesn't really "go for ethnic food" he is stopped in his tracks when Andy tells him about the burrito called a "Meat Tornado." Maybe there is hope for Ron yet.
It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.
At one point, Chris Trager (Rob Lowe) and Ron decide to have a competition over who can make a more delicious burger. Chris' burger is a beacon of healthy options, with all kinds of buzzy food options, like a brioche bun. Ron's is a burger. On a bun. Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.
Ron doesn't really go for salad and when he's served one, he makes it clear that it is not enough to satisfy him. He's also incredibly consistent when it comes to how much he hates vegetables. In that way, he's like a little kid who has to choke them down after being scolded by an adult.
Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.
On some level, you can't help but admire Ron Swanson's dedication to his principles. He believes in small government. Strike that, Ron believes in no government. Anything he can do to stop government from doing anything at all, he'll work hard to achieve that.
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut
Even though it doesn't appear that Ron Swanson actually served in the military, he does appreciate a good, precise haircut, clearly.
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
Ron doesn't like making a fuss about anything and when the rest of the office is determined to celebrate his birthday, he makes it clear where he stands on the issue.
Give 100 percent. One-hundred-and-ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
One thing Ron Swanson cannot abide is fools. Of course, anyone who doesn't fit into the narrow parameters of his life views is a fool. Like people who exaggerate things, which is literally the one thing Chris Trager does best.
When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
He doesn't care about other people's problems, that's for certain. He also doesn't want to be friends and this is how he goes about it. He even teaches April, played brilliantly by Aubrey Plaza the same trick and she takes to it like a fish to water.
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.
Not all of Ron's beliefs are healthy, or advisable. His jingoism, which he thinks is patriotic, is actually idiotic. Still, ham radios and atlas are fun, so that but of advice is pretty decent.
It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
You might think that when Ron takes pliers and pulls his own tooth out, a tooth the dentist had already extracted, it was meant as a practical joke. Ron Swanson never jokes though, and he was really just doing it to shock his coworkers and it works.
I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.
Let's be upfront, Ron Swanson doesn't care about your problems, and he doesn't want to talk about his either. It may not be healthy to bottle everything up, but you know he's not budging on this one.
I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.
The biggest source of conflict between Ron, the head of the parks department, and his deputy Leslie (Amy Poehler) is that Leslie believes that government can do good for people. Ron thinks it should be run by a pizza restaurant.
I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.
On some level, I'd like to believe that Ron is smarter than this. In a great bit of comedic irony, Ron talks about why he loves Herman Melville's Moby Dick, but the reason is... questionable. The book is full of metaphors, and is, indeed basically one big one. A big white whale of one.
I love Food and Stuff. It’s where I buy all my food… and most of my stuff.
Ron Swanson is a simple man, with simple needs. Mostly meat, but a little stuff too. Luckily, his favorite store has both. He rarely "treats himself" like some of the other office workers.
There is only one bad word: taxes.
A libertarian in the most extreme version, Ron really hates government. What he hates the most, it seems, is the taxes that the government collects. They may pay his salary, but that doesn't mean he appreciates them.
History began July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
Here we go again with the extreme patriotism. Ron Swanson just doesn't care about anything other than the United States, even the history that led to its creation. It's still not a good look and never will be.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
If there is anything in the world that Ron hates as much as government and taxes, it's both of his ex-wives, Tammy 1 and Tammy 2. He holds nothing back when it comes to slandering them, without any respect whatsoever. Yet, he still believes in love. Good, I guess?
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
Fishing is important to Ron. Making friends and helping people is not. Case in point? This quote. Lighten up, Ron!
The Human Resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees. The rules do not specify whether or not I am allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.
This is yet another example of Ron not caring about anyone other than himself. Willie Nelson is great, but try to set a better example, Ron!
Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies'. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.
Oh, but you do joke, Ron. Some of the very best jokes on Parks and Rec come from the mind of Ron Swanson, whether he appreciates them or not. Like all 32 of the jokes here. They are all gold, though you probably don't want to take his advice very often.
