32 Hilarious Quotes From Ron White's Stand-Up

Out of the four members of the acclaimed Blue Collar Comedy Tour (which also includes stand-up icons Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy), my favorite of the bunch is easily Ron White. All the evidence you need to understand why the razor-witted Texan makes me laugh the hardest lies in the following gut-busting quotes from his long stand-up career.

"I Had The Right To Remain Silent, But I Didn't Have The Ability"

This line from one of Ron White's most famous routines, detailing the story of how he got thrown out of a bar in New York City, was later used as the title of his best-selling 2006 book, in which he elaborates on the inspiration behind some of his most notable material.

"If You're Ever Walking Down A Beach And You See A Girl Dressed In A Bikini Made Of Seashells And You Pick Her Up And Hold Her To Your Ear, You Can Hear Her Scream"

Ron White's variation on the belief that you can hear the ocean if you put a seashell up to your ear certainly paints a disturbing, but no less hilariously clever, picture.

"My Brother's A Doctor And My Sister's An Attorney, And I Hate Thanksgiving"

Almost anyone can relate to the feeling of having that one close relative (or more) who always outshines you by sharing updates from their own career during family get-togethers, which Ron White exemplifies beautifully in a bit from 2004's Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again. He then recalls a Thanksgiving dinner when his brother is talking about lives he has saved and his sister is recalling her latest courthouse win, before the focus turns to the comedian, who brings up a new bit about sticking his junk in a toaster.

"I Was Leaving A Party The Other Night, And This Buddy Of Mine Goes, 'Hey, Ron, Can You Drive?' I Was Like, 'I Can Drive... I Can't Get Pulled Over'"

Ron White has never made any effort to hide the fact that he likes to drink, even to the police. It would probably not be the wisest thing to allow him behind the wheel of a car, and not necessarily because he would be unable to, but that he might be prohibited from it.

"You Can't Fix Stupid"

The title of Ron White's second stand-up comedy special, You Can't Fix Stupid, comes from this line from a bit in which he explains that, no matter how impressive any scientific and medicinal advancements prove to be, there is no saving a person with low intelligence.

"I've Drank So Much In My Life, Now, On The Back Of My Driver's License, There's A List Of Organs I Need"

In Ron White's If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (one of the best stand-up comedy specials on Netflix), the comedian exaggerates the extent of his drinking habits by implying that he probably would not be a suitable organ donor.

"I Think The Most Often Asked Question On My Website Is Why Am I Not A Bigger Part Of Blue Collar TV... And The Answer Is, My Work Ethic"

At first, it sounds like Ron White is throwing shade on the sketch comedy TV show led by his touring partners, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. That is, until he adds, "My grandpa used to say, 'That boy's got a lot of quit in him.'"

"I'm Between 6'1" And 6'6" Depending On Which Convenience Store I'm Leaving"

I must admit that, while I have always admired the cleverness of this quote, I have never been all too sure exactly what Ron White means by it. Does he mean that he might leave the establishment so inebriated he would have to slouch and, on other occasions, might try to get away with stealing merchandise by hiding it in his shoes?

"We Were Traveling At Half The Speed Of Smell. We Got Passed By A Kite. There Was A Goose Behind Us And The Pilot Was Going, 'Go Around'"

This quote comes from a bit in which Ron White recalls a very uncomfortable flight in a comically small plane that appeared to be going slower than a piece of aircraft should. This is one of the few instances I have ever heard of a person complaining about a plane's speed.

"They Call Me 'Tater Salad'"

This comes from one of Ron White's best-known bits in which he recalls being thrown out of a bar in New York City and subsequently arrested for being inebriated in public. Before concluding the story, he mentions another time when he was brought in on the same charge at 17 and was asked by a local sheriff if he had any aliases, and he responded sarcastically with the nickname above. He then flashes forward to the end of the New York story when a cop, reading his arrest record, asks him if he answers to the name Ron "Tater Salad" White.

"I'm Gonna Tell Him, 'Watch This, Here Comes The Good Part'"

In one somewhat racy bit, Ron White recalls the time his grandmother caught him getting busy with a lady in her garage. She then warned him that one day he would be seated next to the Lord, watching his life flash before his eyes, and forced to answer for every sin he committed, and asked him, "What are you gonna say when this episode comes up?" This is his response.

"This Town Is So Small, Folks, That One Year, Our High School Marching Band Formed A Period"

Ron White originates from the Texan town of Fritch, which he often notes is a particularly quaint community. Here, he provides one of the funnier examples of just how small his hometown is before adding, "Two years later, they made a comma."

"My Uncle... Goes, 'Son, You Are Never Going To Find The Answers To Your Problems In The Bottom Of That Bottle.' I Said, 'I Know. That's Why I'm Gonna Buy Another One'"

Ron White's uncle, Dr. Charles Pollard, has a doctorate in theology, psychology, and philosophy, and was clearly making a case for his nephew not to use drinking as a crutch. Instead, the comedian likens his scotch bottle to some sort of faulty Magic 8 Ball that he can later replace with one that might provide more help.

"Funniest Film I've Ever Seen In My Life"

To most critics and audiences, director Werner Herzog's acclaimed documentary film Grizzly Man from 2006 is a devastating cautionary tale about an animal activist who believed he found a trusting friend in one of nature's fiercest predators. To Ron White, the film is hilarious, particularly for the irony that its human subject is eaten by the bear.

"His Story Was That His Wife Left Him And Started Sleeping With All His Buddies, But I Don't Know What I'm Supposed To Say - 'Well, I Wish I Knew You Better'"

Here, Ron White recalls a time when he was on his honeymoon on a cruise ship heading to Greece and crossed paths with a man who claimed to be a fan of his. He would proceed to tell the comedian his unfortunate life story, which, on the bright side, ended up inspiring this awesome punchline.

"You Ever Take A Crap So Big Your Pants Fit Better?"

Ever since I first heard Ron White ponder over being just "one turd away from backing into an old wardrobe," I have often wondered if I could ever be so fortunate to experience something like that.

"We Floated Down That River Drinking For Six-And-A-Half Hours. Not One Person Had To Pee"

Here, Ron White describes a rafting trip he once spent with his friends, during which they likely urinated on themselves. He adds that he decided to do the same thing, but in a canoe... and whilst standing up.

"It Got A Little Better When She Figured Out That Smoke Alarm's Not A Timer"

Ron White has been married multiple times throughout his life, and one of his wives turned out to be not the best cook, as he indicates here. He adds that he had to tell her that, when in the kitchen, it is a good practice to avoid letting the smoke alarm go off at any time.

"Why Don't They Just Go Ahead And Say It? 'Diamonds: That'll Shut Her Up... For A Minute'"

If he had not pursued comedy, Ron White probably could have had a successful career in advertising, or a very unique one, at least. Take, for example, this suggestion he makes for a better jewelry store slogan than "Diamonds will leave her speechless."

"I Was In Jail For An Hour And A Half, And I Don't Know How Word Gets Out So Fast, But When I Walk Out Of The Jail, There's A Big Truckload Of Kids And They Have These Signs That Say, 'Free Tater'"

As the comedian explained on the Your Mom's House podcast, Ron White was arrested in 2008 for possession just moments after his private plane landed in Vero Beach, Florida, because his pilots called 911, accusing him of smuggling. However, it seems that he had the locals' support, based on the outpouring of love he received right from outside the jailhouse.

"If I'd Have Known The Difference Between 'Antidote' And ‘Anecdote,' My Friend Bobby Schneider Would Still Be Alive Today"

This is Ron White's (hopefully) imagined example of how terribly he used to struggle with his vocabulary as a child. He adds, "He got bit by a copperhead, I'm reading him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head's starting to swell. I'm like, 'It ain't working.' He goes, 'Read faster!'"

"I Saw This Commercial Last Week, And It Was For A Bladder Control Awareness Group... Let Me Explain Something To You: If You Have A Bladder Control Problem, You're Probably Aware Of It"

I am all for the idea of people relying on support groups in times of need, but I think I do agree with Ron White's point that there may be some less purposeful than others.

"'Hey, Man, If One Of These Engines Fails, How Far Will The Other One Take Us?' 'All The Way To The Scene Of The Crash'"

This joke comes from a story about Ron White's plane ride in an inconveniently small plane that lost oil pressure in one of its engines. When a nervous passenger asks the comedian for some peace of mind, he replies with some not-so-reassuring words.

"Did I Mention I Look Good In A Speedo? But When I Sit Down, You Can't Exactly See It"

Ron White has never shied away from poking fun at his own physique. In fact, this joke is not even the most self-effacing example.

"Now, You Know Of That Little Guy That Sits On Your Shoulder And Reminds You Of Your Prior Commitments And Your Moral Fortitude? I Didn't Hear A Peep Out Of That Guy"

Here, Ron White recalls the story of the act of infidelity that led to his divorce. He explains that his conscience did nothing to stop him, only to finally start speaking up after the fact.

"I'd Also Like To Know Where To Get One Of Those Signs, 'Cause I'd Like To Keep Some Kids Out Of My Yard"

Ron White concludes his set in 2006's Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road, which depicts the comedian's final gathering with Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy, by sharing that he believes child predators should be legally required to put a sign outside their homes stating their conviction. He then adds that he might be able to use that same sign to his advantage.

"I Didn't Begrudge Him A Bit Because If It Would Have Been Mine, I Would Have Been Holding A Picture Frame Around It"

Ron White recalls, while on his honeymoon in Greece, visiting a nude beach where he spots a man with what he describes as "an anaconda sitting in his lap" and has no qualms about showing it off to people.

"If The Company That Made The Stuff I Was Drinking Was Paying Me, I'd Have it In Their Bottle And Not Mine"

Before he got sober in 2021, Ron White was known for sipping scotch on stage, which he would pour from his personal decanter. In his special, You Can't Fix Stupid, he explains that he uses his own bottle and not the original bottle his beverage of choice comes from, because he would require the manufacturer's financial support first.

"Other States Are Trying To Abolish The Death Penalty. My State's Putting In An Express Lane"

As a proud, natural-born Texan, Ron White is also proud that it upholds the death penalty. He even supports the idea of speeding up the process.

"A Little Ironic That The Product That I Use To Keep From Ruining My Sofa Should I Spill My Drink On It Is Actually Called 'Scotchgard'"

Ron White adds to this joke by imagining if there are other cleaning products in the same family as Scotchgard that are specifically made for other types of alcoholic beverages.

"The Only Thing That Kept Me Going Was That I Started Pretending That That Was Nancy Grace's Mouth"

In his segment of Comedy Central's This Is Not Happening, Ron White recalls accidentally swallowing a $2000 fake tooth, inspiring the idea to take laxatives and defecate into a strainer. After multiple days of the ordeal without a tooth in sight, he began to imagine he was going straight into the mouth of controversial TV host Nancy Grace, which made him feel better about it.

"Anything Has The Potential To Become A DUI Checkpoint If You Crash Your Car Into It"

I believe that this is one of many valuable lessons that Ron White has provided to the world with his comedy over the years. Amen to that.