Some people grew up with Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show from 1992 to 2009… and then again from 2010 to 2014. A generation before then knew him as one of the brightest, most energetic stand-up acts of the 1970s and 1980s. Let’s take a look at some of the funniest things that the comedian has said from both eras of his career.
"Let's See How You All Feel In 30 Years"
This is the first thing that Jay Leno said as the host of The Tonight Show after entering the stage to enthusiastic applause from the audience. It is meant to reference how legendary late-night talk show host Johnny Carson emceed the program before him for an unmatched three decades.
"Facebook Was Down Today... People Were So Bored, They Apparently Started Opening Up Real Books!"
In this Tonight Show monologue bit, Jay Leno jokes about how some people might have reacted if they were forced to go without one of the world's most popular social media platforms, Facebook. While I personally wish literary entertainment is the alternative that most people would turn to, I imagine more would just find another phone or tablet app to waste their time with.
"I Was A Philosophy Major For Four Years In College. Had Dreams Of Opening A Little Philosophy Shop When I Got Out"
During his set at the Just For Laughs Festival in Canada in 1978, Jay Leno reflects on his collegiate career as a student of philosophy, and takes the chance to poke fun at what little chance of a professional career such a major often grants people. At least his philosophical expertise contributed to this joke.
"The Economy Is So Bad In California, Parents In Beverly Hills Are Being Forced To Raise Their Own Children"
On some occasions since leaving The Tonight Show (for the second time), Jay Leno would visit 30 Rock to "tap in" and take over the monologue for Jimmy Fallon. One such time in 2016, he told this joke reflecting on the West Coast's economic situation that imagines wealthy Californians not being able to afford a maid to look after their families for them.
"Electronics Experts Say, By The Year 2009, People Will Be Able To Watch TV On Their Cellphones. They Say Their Goal Is To Create The Most Annoying Person Ever To Sit Behind You At The Movie Theater"
It is actually pretty frightening just how prophetic this Tonight Show monologue bit would turn out to be, and not just for the rising number of people who prefer to watch films on their cellphones. The number of people who still use their cellphones at the movie theater is grotesquely astounding.
"It's So Cold That Rapper Ice-T Turned Into Ice Cube"
I imagine that this Tonight Show bit from Jay Leno is not the first pun reflecting on the scientific properties of the items that inspired rappers Ice-T and Ice Cube's stage names. It does not make it any less funny, though.
"A Fishing Pole You Carry Around In Your Pocket. Where Are You Possibly Gonna Use This Thing? Like, You're Standing In Line At The Movies: 'We Got A Few Extra Minutes, Honey. No Sense Buying That Expensive Candy. I’ll Just Catch Some Bass'"
One of the most unusual inventions to come out in the 1970s was the Popeil Pocket Fisherman, which is, indeed, a fishing reel that you can take with you on the go. Of course, in his stand-up routine, Jay Leno can not help but point out how impractical the product is in concept, considering how the only time you would need a fishing pole is on a fishing trip.
"TV Guide Is Now Considered Reading In America. When Did This Happen? I Think It Happened The Same Day Ketchup Became A Vegetable"
In Saturday Night Live's eleventh season (which was the only season for most cast members that year), Jay Leno took to the Studio 8H stage as the host for the first and last time. He opened his monologue with this joke in which he expresses his shock that TV Guide, which mainly consists of television listings, was the most widely read magazine in the United States in the mid-1980s.
"People Who Put Hand Blowers In Washrooms Never Assume That You Might Want To Wash Your Face"
While air blowers may be the more environmentally friendly option to dry your hands with in a public restroom over paper towels, Jay Leno has a great point about why the latter option also has its benefits. In his stand-up routine, he elaborates on the burning effect it might have on a person's face and how it might even melt their retinas if they were to attempt to dry it.
"I'm Jay Leno, Your Host, At Least For A While"
In one of the most infamous debacles in television history, Jay Leno initially left The Tonight Show in 2009 and was succeeded by former Late Night host Conan O'Brien, while he was given his own self-titled show at 10 p.m.. However, after disappointing ratings, NBC asked O'Brien to move to the 12:05 a.m. time slot in order to bring The Jay Leno Show to 11:30 p.m., which he refused, leading to his exit and Leno's return to The Tonight Show. This was the first joke from his night back after the widely covered situation.
"New Jersey Officials Are Encouraging All State Workers In New Jersey To Lead Healthier Lifestyles Because The State Is Spending Too Much Money On Health Insurance. In Fact, They Say The Healthiest Thing You Can Do: Get Out Of New Jersey"
New Jersey has taken a lot of heat from late-night TV comedies, including on Jay Leno's iteration of The Tonight Show, on which he told this joke at the expense of the Garden State and its health insurance budget.
"Most U.S. Automakers Will Begin Equipping Most Of Their Cars Now With Automatic Trunk Releases... They Say This Is Expected To Save The Lives Of Over 2000 Mob Informants Per Year"
I imagine there were many mobsters, and even serial kidnappers alike, who were deeply disappointed by the announcement that modern automobiles would make it easier for their victims to escape from the trunks of their cars.
"This Is What Killed Carl Senior"
In a recurring Tonight Show segment called "Read the Fine Print," Jay Leno reveals (fake) hidden disclaimers on popular products and services. For instance, this punchline is what the fine print says on a Monster Thick Burger from Carl's Jr.
“Tennessee Has Passed This Roadkill Bill. It Allows You To Eat The Roadkill You Run Over. So, Now, If You Go To Tennessee, You Can Not Only Get Fast Food, You Can Also Get Not-Fast-Enough Food”
I must admit, I applaud the writers of The Tonight Show for giving Jay Leno something a bit more clever to say about Tennessee's roadkill bill than just a comment about how disgusting the taste of tire tracks would be in those meals, which was my first thought.
"Why Is It That UFOs Never Land At MIT Or UCLA? They Always Land In The Middle Of A Swamp Where Bob Bookey And His Cousin, Weenie, Are Out Fishing"
In his stand-up routine, Jay Leno points out something that is not only a trope from alien invasion movies but also a commonality among alleged UFO witnesses in real life. I have no doubt that there exists an alien invasion movie where the otherworldly race makes contact with someone outside of any rural areas, however.
"Toyota Announced That They Are Introducing A New Version Of The Popular Prius. They Say This Will Be A Smaller, Less Powerful Version. Thank God For That. That's Why I Didn't Buy The Original Prius. I Was Intimidated By All That Power"
With all the cars that Jay Leno owns, I am surprised there is not at least one Toyota Prius somewhere in his garage.
"They Always Search You For Weapons. I Mean, You Walk Through An X-Ray Machine, They Open Your Luggage, And Then You Sit Down To Eat And They Give Everybody Steak Knives"
Jay Leno adds to this tidbit of airline humor from his stand-up set by mentioning, "You bring your own steak knife, you get 20 years."
"Vanilla Ice Got Punched Out During A Concert... That Was His First Hit in Years"
Jay Leno told this joke about Vanilla Ice back in the late '90s. Still, the rap artist and one-hit wonder agreed to appear on the show in 2010, so I suppose there were no hard feelings.
"My Wife And I Go To The Supermarket. We Buy $128 Worth Of Groceries, And The Clerk Says, 'You Want A Bag For That?' 'No, We're Going To Eat It Here'"
On one occasion, Jimmy Fallon invited his Tonight Show predecessor, Jay Leno, to perform an "angry rant" in the middle of his monologue. One of his funnier comments involves the obvious question that every grocery store clerk is required to ask.
"Really? Is That What I Want? My Car Calling The Cops On Me?"
This is Jay Leno's way of explaining why he has no interest in using OnStar. However, I think a man with as many cars as he has could benefit greatly from it.
"People Were Camped Out To Get An iPad Last Week. I Know, Crazy, But Their Parents Were Happy They Finally Got Out Of The Basement"
Not every tech junkie is an unemployed social outcast still residing in their childhood home. However, one has to wonder how they managed to take off work to get in line for the iPad's release in the first place.
"The Price Of Gas In California Is Going Crazy. In Fact, Today I Did Something Smart. I Bought A Gallon As An Investment"
Jay Leno may be onto something here with harboring gasoline by the gallon. In fact, I imagine this is a decent way of making a personal profit off of gas, as long as you can let go of it before it goes bad.
"According To A Recent Survey, Guys Say The First Thing They Notice About A Woman Are Her Eyes, And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Guys Is They Are A Bunch Of Liars"
I have no doubt that there are plenty of men who can honestly claim they notice a woman's eyes first. However, I would also agree that many of the men who took the survey Jay Leno mentions here likely stretched the truth.
"If You Pay $250 For Sneakers, Your Feet Are Smarter Than You Are"
As part of The Tonight Show's "Read the Fine Print" segment, this is the finely printed message attributed to Adidas' really expensive Smart Sneakers.
"When U2 Played A Concert In Seattle Over The Weekend, Bono Slept Over At The House Of Bill Gates... That's Something You Don't See Every Day: Screaming Girls Outside Bill Gates' House"
Considering how Bill Gates and Bono have famously been good friends for years, I imagine it is not that unusual to see U2 fans parade around the Microsoft co-founder's estate.
"A TV Psychic In Saudi Arabia May Be Beheaded For Practicing Witchcraft And Sorcery. I Guess He Should've Seen That Coming"
OK, this Tonight Show bit might be a little cruel, but I will admit that anyone living in a place that still outlaws witchcraft might want to seek a profession that does not even remotely resemble magic.
"Dick Cheney Was Hospitalized Monday Because Of Chest Pains. You See This? They Say The Problem Was His Heart Hasn't Worked In Years"
During this stint as the United States Vice President, Dick Cheney's mortality was a regular topic among late night talk show monologues, as reflected in this Tonight Show bit.
"Arizona Recently Passed The Toughest Anti-Immigration Bill In American History. The Idea Behind This Bill Is To Drive Illegal Immigrants Out Of Arizona And Back To Their Homeland Of Los Angeles"
Jay Leno used to host The Tonight Show from Los Angeles, which, essentially, makes him qualified to tell this joke.
"According To The Social Security Administration, The Most Popular Baby Names Of 2016: Noah And Emma. The Least Popular Baby Names: Donald And Hillary"
This Tonight Show joke comes from one of Jay Leno's visits to Jimmy Fallon's set in 2016, during which Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump's race to the White House was all the rage.
"Andy Rooney [From 60 Minutes]... Blasted Three Commentators For Appearing On the CBS Evening News Without Wearing Ties. Andy Said When He Started, Reporters Always Had To Wear A Tie And A Powdered Wig And Matching Buckles On Their Hats"
This Tonight Show monologue bit from the early 2000s may be giving Andy Rooney a hard time for his age, but it does accurately reflect his position at 60 Minutes, which was essentially to complain about the differences between modern times and his heyday.
"The UPN Network Has Announced They're Doing A New Reality Series That Will Follow Amish Teenagers... The Network Says, 'The Amish Will Not Find This Show Insulting.' Of Course They Won't Find It Insulting. They Don't Have TVs"
It is curious how people who do not watch television would agree to be subjects of a television show.
"Ted Kennedy Introduced [John] Kerry As The Comeback Kid. That Used To Be [Bill] Clinton's Name On The Campaign Trail... Because Every Time He Would Come Back To A City, He'd Find Out If He Had A Kid Or Not"
No matter how much time passes, I imagine that jokes at the expense of Bill Clinton and his infidelity during his administration will never get old.
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