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news:blended 5.31 - 6.6By Ed Perkis: 2008-06-07 10:24:13
 We covered a lot of movie news this last week. Actually, I don’t know if it was lot. It might have been more than we usually cover, or less. At some point, I’m going to need to try to throw some actual facts into this feature. Oh, and go see Kung Fu Panda. SATURDAY Can you really kill a robot? Some actor will star in huge movie. Good news and bad news on the Transformers 2 front. The good news is that if you are a fan of Jazz, the jazziest of all Transformers, he may appear in the sequel even though he’s robot-dead. The bad news is that there will be a Transformers 2 movie at all as it will lower the IQ points of anyone who sees it. Proven fact. Not yet proven is who will play Bilbo in The Hobbit. I think so far I’ve heard 214 names mentioned, including Charlton Heston. In our story we say James McAvoy has the “pole position,” which makes me giggle. SUNDAY Oh jeez. Does MTV still exist. I’ve officially named Twilight fans as the Rookie of the Year in the AFL (Annoying Fan League.) Every time we do a story on the book series that has been adapted into a movie, the teen fans (and non-teen fans of stuff that is created for teens) tell us that it’s going to be STUPENDOUSLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Sure. I can’t imagine Twilight won’t be a big hit at next year’s MTV Movie Awards. That means Josh will be blogging in real time about it. Lucky duck. MONDAY No matter what they do, this movie will make more money than they have in Austria. Hear no evil. News came on Monday that Emma Thompson, who plays a character in the Harry Potter movies, will not be in the next movie. That move is expected to drop the box office take for the movie about 0%, but I’m rounding. Some fans are upset because they want the movie to be 27 hours long and consist solely of J.K. Rowling reading the book to them. If she does do that, expect to have her voice drop out a few seconds. That’s what studios are now doing to combat piracy. I think you need to move some more carronades abaft your mizzenmast to combat piracy, but what do I know. TUESDAY It just doesn’t matter. I understood the words “Scully” and “Mulder.” We worried on Tuesday if rating Beverly Hills Cop 4 “PG” would ruin the series. We ignored the fact that the series was ruined by Beverly Hills Cop 2 and Beverly Hills Cop 3. Unless they urinate on us while we watch the movie, this series can not get any worse. We also found an X-Files 2 trailer in Russia or something. I can’t understand what is going on. Later we found the trailer in English. Same problem. WEDNESDAY Racism = Bad; Rugby = Good Terminator director thinks Terminator sequel will be good. Every time someone mentions Matt Damon these days, you have to tie it into that overrated Sarah Silverman skit. Ok, it’s not overrated, it’s funny, but not THAT funny. Maybe it was THAT funny, but let it go, people, Damon is a serious actor and is trying to end racism by playing football without helmets in Africa….or some such. There is no racism ending in the next Terminator sequel/prequel. There is just a great movie waiting to be unleashed upon humanity. That’s what the director thinks, anyway, and he’d never say it if it wasn’t true, right? . THURSDAY Josh follows communist propaganda. Josh stands up to the Bob Barker’s of the world. The Sharon Stone slam-fest continues. Her “karma” comment leads Chinese readers of this site (or, more likely, people pretending to be Chinese readers of this site) to wish her death. That seems a bit harsh. Stone is probably thrilled people are talking about her for the first time in, what, ten years? She’s looking forward to the next natural disaster to comment on. She told me that herself….in my dream sequence. Josh ranted about Adam Sandler Critics.“Adam Sandler Critics” could also be called “All Critics.” They are now saying that Sandler makes stupid, moronic, lowest common denominator movies and is also a Republican. Only one of those statements is true. FRIDAY Second bananas talk to us! I’m going to revise my revision. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan doesn’t look, oh what’s the word, funny. That doesn’t mean it isn’t, it just doesn’t look it. Comedies should look funny, shouldn’t they? You shouldn’t watch the trailer stone faced, like I did. Anyway, we interviewed the director and a few of the actors at the premier and they think its great, but they would, wouldn’t they? Speaking of thinking things that are great. Some people thought Spider-Man 3 was great. We call those people Wrongers. Some thought it was pretty good. Those are the Closer people. There are the people who thought it was just ok, with many weaknesses. That’s the Correct group (I’m in that one.) If there is a Spider-Man 4, it needs to be a lot better than the last one. That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
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