Pssst… hey, you guys: can I tell you a secret? It’s private just between us and you probably didn’t realize it by now, but Sharleen is not ready to get engaged to Juan Pablo. And in the whisper games that were Monday night’s The Bachelor, the "Oprah singer" (his words) from Germany sent herself home. But that wasn't even the most dramatic part of the evening, natch. Because tonight we also got part two of the Nikki vs. Clare Battles Royales. Oh what peculiar heaven this quest for love everlasting.
Tonight there were two one-on-one dates (one for Sharleen, one for Nikki), and a group date with a guaranteed-Hometown-Visit rose. So, naturally, tensions were high in Juan Pebbles hometown of Miami. And from the get-go the women were on the attack.
“Why is she even here?” was maybe the fourth or so phrase uttered by one of the girls, by (duh) Clare in regards to Sharleen. Which, no one should be surprised that she sent herself home; not that I think anyone was. Andi didn’t get their love; Chelsie doesn’t understand it, either. Even though JP cried as she whispered herself into the ether — turning herself at once into a wisp of a ghoul floating towards some greater unknown — he wasn’t down for long. He knew. We all knew, Sharleen.
Still, she went on their yachting date and told Juan Danger he was Taylor Swift-levels of trouble (trouble, trouble, trouble). But Sharleen was having a hard time grappling with a thing called “wanting to bone someone you’re not even sure you like,” and what to do with that fact. She likes putting her mouth on his mouth, but she’s not sure if it’s enough to keep her in the game (love game). There’s a flicker in her heart, but she’s still worried about their “mental connection.” Spoiler alert: it’s not there! In the words of Juan Pebbles’ Bachelorette profile back in the day… Juan Pablo “don’t read!” and that is a direct quote from the horse’s mouth.
There were a few choice quotes from both parties — JP remarked that she speaks “so proper,” she said “I wish I was a little dumber, it’d be so much nicer, simpler” — but ultimately Sharleen had the last word. Well, we think it was a word, considering her sudden inability to talk above the audibility level of a dust bunny. Which is absolutely asinine considering everything she said made sense. Honestly it was the most measured and rational explanation of the situation at hand that anyone on this show has ever uttered. But that’s exactly why she’s leaving; I just don’t know why the fuck she’s whispering. Still, Juan Danger has feelings you guys — he was preparing to give her a hometown, so he cries. This man is a wealth of tears.
The second one-on-one date, with Nikki, was all sorts of weird, intense, and surprising. JP brought Nikki, sufferer of Occasional Negative Nancy Syndrome (“ugh, dance?! I don’t want to dance again!”), to Camila’s dance recital to meet not only his daughter, but also his mother, father, and and his daughter’s mother. Whooooatown, population these guys. No matter though: Nikki’s in love and can roll with anything her True Love’s Journey throws her way because it all just feels right, she realized on the playing field of a major money-making competition game endeavor (not unlike the show she’s on) also known as baseball.
During the group date — hanging on a beach! — Andi cried, and Clare revealed she still sucks (in case you were wondering). She’s the youngest of all the girls (who would “totally throw her under the bus,” which, uuuuuugggghhhhhhh) and the only one that’s not married. During her time alone with el bachélor, she finally brought up The Video. The one her dad made “for her future husband” that she wants JP to see. And of course he will (and hopefully so will the rest of America. How sweet that we all get to exploit this very personal thing for hokey television emotional masturbation)! Naturally, Clare thought she had this super-special rose (which also unlocked a special one-on-one mini-date with Juanie P during the evening). She was wrong.
Andi got the rose, and Clare is visibly shocked. It doesn’t make sense to her, she insisted as tiny, smoke-seared circles appeared on my television where her eyes had been. As they loaded onto the plane to head back to their penthouse she barked, “Let’s fucking wrap this shit and go home!” Someone’s looking for a fight!
Thank goodness Nikki was home to set off Clare’s dramatic wrathfire. They fought over something so stupid I don’t even want to repeat it here. Basically, Nikki didn’t want to talk to anyone about the girls who weren’t there and their dates. It weirdly turned into some “get out of my room/it’s not your room/did you pay for it?” and “well you were feeling bad” back-and-forth grasp-fighting thing that I just didn’t understand the point of: but I suppose that goes for a lot of what makes up this show, doesn’t it?
Later on when the two were forced to sit alone next to each other at the cocktail party (the last one! Hallelu) the silence was, natch, so deafening you could hear a train heading crosstown in the distance. Ultimately, Chelsie was sent home because duh, Juan Danger cried again — this time with feeling! — and in a preview for next week it was revealed that none of the parents are OK with our main man as a potential son-in-law, so that should be fun.