Schwarzenegger Is Making A New Conan Movie, So I Want To Gush About The Original

When news broke that Arnold Schwarzenegger is aiming to make new entries in the Predator, Commando, and Conan the Barbarian franchises, I needed to sit down. But I ain't got time to sit!

For one thing, I think Commando is the greatest action movie of all time, and I always wondered why it never got a sequel. As for a new Predator with Arnold, well, I had suspicions that could happen given the end of Predator: Killer of Killers. But, a continuation of Conan the Barbarian? Now THAT got me excited in ways I wasn't expecting.

1982's Conan the Barbarian is certainly one of the best Arnold movies of all time, though not THE best, and one . So, in honor of Arnold wanting to be in a future part of this franchise, I want to gush about the stellar original.

First Off, Arnold Is Both Intimidating But Also Hilarious In This Movie

Now, it's kind of crazy to think of how much Arnold grew throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s as an actor. Early on, when Arnold was just getting his footing in Hollywood, he was mostly doing bit parts, as his sculpted, Mr. Olympia body was ostensibly the main reason why he was being hired in the first place. It wouldn't be until a film like 1985's Commando that most people realized that Schwarzenegger could be intentionally funny, and that he was actually in on the joke.

1982's Conan represents that interesting period where we can't quite tell, though. Sure, he's intimidating as all hell, as how can somebody built like Arnold NOT be intimidating? But, when he’s asked what is best in life, and answers with, “To crush your enemies, see them driving before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!” you can't help but smile at his stilted, staccato delivery.

Which, honestly, is a part of this movie's charm. Yeah, it's cool to see Arnold swing a sword around, and yes, it's cool to watch Conan kick butt, but I think the even better part is to watch this earlier Arnold who's just getting the hang of being an action hero/one-liner-spouting-machine.

We get both in Conan the Barbarian, though, not as refined as we would get later in his career.

James Earl Jones Is In A Funny Black Wig And Chewing Crazy Scenery Here

We lost a legend when James Earl Jones died in 2024. And, the thing is, as prestigious and respected as the actor was, he wasn't above chewing scenery, or donning a ridiculous wig or costume whenever the opportunity arose. We got to see this in the absolutely abysmal Exorcist II: The Heretic where he wore a silly locust suit, and we get to see it in Conan the Barbarian, where he wears a silly black wig and discusses the riddle of the steel.

In this film, he plays Thulsa Doom, who is not only the head of a snake cult, but can even turn into a snake! Jones is that established actor who lends gravitas to this silly movie, sort of like Donald Pleasence in Halloween, or Anthony Hopkins in The Wolfman, and he somehow elevates this to lengths that seem somewhat impossible, even with that funny black wig on his head.

The best part though is just how much scenery he's chewing here. Story-wise, his character killed Conan's family, making him Conan's direct antagonist, and you would think he would be stomped on immediately by somebody big like Arnold. But no! He gives these big, theatrical speeches, and he’s a worthy villain to Conan.

Honestly, this movie wouldn't work as much as it does without James Earl Jones' presence.

The Lore And Background Are Actually Pretty Well Done

A lot of people know Oliver Stone as a prominent director of political and war dramas, but did you know that he’s also a prolific screenwriter? And, I don’t just mean for his own movies, but other movies, too! For example, prior to writing the screenplay for Conan the Barbarian (Yes, Stone adapted Conan to the big screen), he wrote (and directed!) the 1981 hidden gem horror movie, The Hand. Then, after the script for Conan, he penned the screenplay to the coolest gangster movie ever, 1983’s Scarface.

All of this is to say that Stone was the right guy to translate Robert E. Howard’s character and world to the big screen for the first time, as Stone really nailed the lore and background of this character.

Directed by Dirty Harry director, John Millius, the world of Conan is set up well in this first movie. Taking place in the fictional Hyborian Age, Conan is the son of a blacksmith, and a member of a group of people called Cimmerians. They worship a god named Crom, and all seems to be going well with their tribe until they’re invaded by Thulsa Doom, who kills Conan’s parents, and makes a slave out of him. In turn, Conan, as a child, has to push a giant mill in servitude (In one hilarious scene, we see a scrawny child turn into massive Arnold in a single transition).

The rest of the film goes deeply into the lore of the world and character, and it really works. By the end of the film, you really feel like you know this warrior. It’s actually quite impressive!

We Also Got Two Cool Follow-Up Movies...Sort Of

Okay, so here’s the thing. Conan the Barbarian was a hard-R movie, and it was glorious for that very reason. However, since this was the ‘80s, it wasn’t uncommon for younger audiences to also love Rated-R characters, and for Studio Powers That Be to cater to them in some way. So the sequel Conan the Destroyer toned down the violence to land a PG rating, though it definitely would have been PG-13 if that distinction had existed back then.

Hey, the sequel is…serviceable. Mako returns from the first movie, and we have some new characters, but it kind of pales in comparison to the original, even though there’s a lot more magic and sorcery here.

Then there’s that other VHS classic that technically ISN’T a sequel to Conan the Barbarian, but I always thought of it as a spiritual successor as a kid since it also takes place in the Hyborian Age: 1985’s Red Sonja. Starring Brigitte Nielsen as the titular character opposite Arnold, once again playing a buff warrior dude, only this time he's named Lord Kalidor, and not Conan (Mostly because the producers couldn’t get the rights to Conan at the time).

Red Sonja is an interesting movie in and of itself, and as a kid, I always viewed this as the third Conan movie, even though it’s entirely separate from that canon. But again, if it wasn’t for that banger of a first Conan movie, we likely wouldn’t have Red Sonja, so there’s that.

In The End, Conan The Barbarian Still Holds Up

You know, I’m glad that it looks like we’ll get another Conan movie, because we already got one…with Jason Momoa…and it wasn’t good (we actually gave it a higher review than I would have given it). The first movie still holds up, though.

The action is still awesome, the lore and plot still works (As an early ‘80s movie, that is), and it spawned a whole series and made Conan popular to the mainstream.

It’s a thoroughly entertaining sword and sorcery film. James Earl Jones is having fun, and it’s pretty obvious why this was the breakthrough role for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I watch it maybe every other year or so.

So, good for Arnie. Another Conan movie would be awesome. We’ll let you know when more develops.