I Know We've Suffered Through Three Bad G.I. Joe Movies, But Here's Why I Think We Deserve (Another) Reboot

I grew up a huge fan of the G.I. Joe toys, and recently sat down to give the three movies from the last couple of decades another chance with my Paramount+ subscription. Sadly, my opinion of them hasn’t changed. I will say that at least I remember them now, as before, all three basically went in one ear and out the other. Worse than being simply bad, they were completely forgettable, almost immediately.

Looking at all three, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), and the franchise's first attempt to reboot, Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (2021), I nailed down my biggest problem with them, and came away with the belief that the franchise has never really been handled correctly in the live-action setting. Here’s why I think the great toy line deserves one more chance.

There Was Too Much Superhero, Not Enough War Film, In All Three

For me, the biggest issue I have with the Joe movies is that they turned what was, at least according to the toy line lore, an elite military crew into a crew of superheroes. In the first movie, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are outfitted with suits that give them superhuman abilities to dodge flying cars and crash through buildings. It’s not enough that they are the most capable; they are made almost invulnerable.

I can look past the cheesy dialogue and the inconsistent special effects. I appreciate the science fiction aspect of the weapons and vehicles, especially on the Cobra side. That is completely in line with the original toys and the cartoons. I can get into the Rambo-level of ridiculous action. It’s the superhero abilities, especially from Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (in addition to the suits in the first movie), that really frustrate me about these movies.

The second movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, does a much better job of addressing this complaint, as the action scenes are more in line with the abilities of elite soldiers, rather than superheroes. Still, large chunks of the movie are focused on Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (played by Ray Park and Lee Byung-hun, respectively). Storm Shadow deflecting a bullet with his sword is a bridge too far for me.

There Is Too Much Focus On Snake Eyes And Storm Shadow

Speaking of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, all three movies are way too focused on the rivalry between the two. I admit that Snake Eyes was never my favorite Joe to play with or watch in the original cartoon, so I could be a bit biased here, but all three movies are way too hung up on the origin story of the two former friends and brothers in arms.

In the first two movies, we get flashbacks to their childhood and ninja training, and, even though those two movies were both commercial and critical flops, the franchise doubled down and rebooted (and recast the parts) with another origin story in Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins starring Henry Golding as Snake Eyes and Andrew Koji as Storm Shadow. Like, enough already! All three movies seem to have this unquenchable desire to be backdoor Kung Fu movies, and it just doesn’t work.

Oh, and yeah, they are both characters who are basically superheroes who can only be hurt by each other. Besides, basing any franchise on a faceless, voiceless character like Snake Eyes isn’t the best idea, either. Some think Snake Eyes was perfect for the reboot, but I disagree.

The Movies Tried To Be Way Too Much

In all three movies, the franchise just couldn’t pick a lane. It was part war movie, part superhero movie, part Kung Fu movie, and part science fiction movie. It makes all three wildly inconsistent, and the whiplash as audiences jump from one genre to another is annoying. The toy line is (at its core) about soldiers, and to borrow from a famous military acronym, keep it simple, stupid (KISS). Make it about the soldiers and the terrorist organization they are at war with, COBRA.

Instead, it’s a mishmash of hyperkinetic scenes that seem randomly thrown together in an attempt to find a genre that works. As a result, none of it works. Instead, if they set out to make a great war movie, there’s a much better chance that it would work, and that fans would flock to it. It’s what the cartoons were about, after all.

I Also Went Back And Rewatched Some Of The Original Cartoons

When I was a kid, the end of the school day was marked by coming home and watching G.I.: A Real American Hero cartoons. It was my favorite after-school cartoon (even more than Master of the Universe), and whatever money I got for my allowance was usually invested into more G.I. Joe toys. However, I haven’t sat down to watch the cartoons in decades.

I decided that I would watch a few, using my Prime subscription, to make sure I remembered them like I thought I did; and I do. The science fiction is there, and the elite fighting force doing daily battle with COBRA was there, but they weren’t superheroes. Except for maybe Snake Eyes. Yeah, they were elite, and they were really good at being the best soldiers, but they were at least in the realm of realism.

There are tons of cool stories in the G.I. Joe franchise, from the old cartoons to the comics and beyond. There are plenty of great villains, and an almost endless amount of characters to draw from. I like the idea that the reboot effort in 2021 seemed like it was going to focus on individual characters and their origin stories; in that respect, they could have mimicked a superhero franchise, with a big team-up. Instead, they focused on a character (Snake Eyes) whose story had already been told.

The answer seems clear to me: if you want to reinvigorate the G.I. Joe franchise, get back to the basics. Make it a great war movie. Forget about making the Joes superhuman, and just make them super soldiers. And please, forget about a crossover with the Transformers. We really don’t need that.