Universal Pictures has cut a deal to make movies based on Hasbro toys, and unfortunately we’re not talking about the upcoming G.I. Joe movie or another spin-off of Transformers. Instead, Variety says the properties they may be movie-making are Clue, Candy Land, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering, and Stretch Armstrong.
Now a movie based on Clue could be pretty good, and it was back when they did it in 1985. The resulting film is (at least in my house) a total classic, and even if you take Rocky Horror into consideration, Tim Curry’s finest hour. It’s genius. It’s been done. It doesn’t need to be done again. As for the rest, there are plenty of horror movies about Ouija boards, Battleship ought to be just another naval movie, and if they actually make a movie based on those awful card battle games I’m going to have to kick someone’s ass. I guess I could see making some sort of kid’s movie out of Candy Land, but I can’t picture it as anything except a sugary version of Jumanji.
The only one with any real potential in there is Stretch Armstrong, and there have been rumors that Hollywood might turn the stretchy doll into some sort of movie for years now. It seems perfect for Jim Carrey circa 1995, so maybe if they stick it in a time machine and blast it back to the 90s it’ll finally get done.
Luckily, it’s not a sure thing that all of those properties will become movies. It may only be four of them. The deal says they’re determined to make at least four movies out of Hasbro’s properties. One of those will be Monopoly, which Ridley Scott is inexplicably developing. I really really hope one of the four is not Clue. The original movie is already perfect, I’d to have it supplanted by another boring remake. I mean, sure a Magic: The Gathering movie would be lame, but at least it wouldn’t be a remake.
Screw this mess, I’m going home to sleep with my wife.
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