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Baywatch Becoming A Jiggle Comedy

Baywatch was a pretty bad idea as a television show, it’s an even worse idea as a movie. Paramount Pictures however, thinks they’ve figured out a way to make it slightly less terrible. Variety reports that the long-gestating Baywatch movie is being reworked into a comedy. They’ve hired Jeremy Garelick, who wrote The Break-Up, to write and direct Baywatch: The Jiggle Comedy (note: not an actual title).

Here’s the problem with this idea: supermodels aren’t funny. They lack the ability. They’ll never pull it off. So they’ll be forced to hire reasonably pretty girls who are funny, instead of whatever the modern day equivalent of inhumanly hot Pamela Anderson is, and then the whole thing will fail. I’m not saying it wouldn’t fail as a drama, it probably would, it’s just that poured into the standard, modern comedy mold this wouldn't seem any better. Without ridiculously hot girls crammed into inappropriate red swimsuits you don’t have a Baywatch movie, but with ridiculously hot girls you also won’t have a comedy.

Sure Tina Fey is gorgeous and given the choice I’d rather spend time my on rotating bed with her over any of the braindead, probably plastic Baywatch beauties… but Tina Fey doesn’t belong in a Baywatch bikini and for that matter neither does any other woman with enough brains and ability to be legitimately funny.

The only way to really make this work is to go retro with it. Turn it into a seafaring version of Bachelor Party. Replace David Hasselhoff with Zach Galifianakis in a Speedo and let him wander around the beach amidst brainless super models ogling boobies and making bizarre, unlikely observations at their expense. It’ll be morally reprehensible and subject to immediate Oprah protest, but maybe also something people will see. This seems the direction Garelick is considering. He says, “It felt like the template to do a movie that was similar to Stripes and Police Academy, the comedies I loved growing up.”