CS: Get Stoned With Shatner
It’s time for our weekly Angelina Jolie pregnancy update. Have you seen the pictures? She’s really pregnant. You’ve got to wonder how it took until last week for someone to notice. It’s not like it’s a tiny bulge she’s got going. Actually there may be a reason for that, according to M&C, she’s pregnant with twins. With genetics like theirs, they’re bound to have super-powers. Just wait, I guarantee at least one of them will have the ability to turn into a pail of water.
The kids may turn out super, but their names won’t be. Even without being cursed with an inevitably bad first name like “Apple” or “Banana”, these kids are going to have a last name that’ll suck. Brand and Angie have gone with the give-up that is the hyphen for their adopted kids; expect the same for their natural born celebrities too. Yep, that’s right, they went to court and had Angelina’s adopted kids re-dubbed with the last name of Pitt-Jolie. The convenience in this is that when Brad and Angelina divorce later this year (as we all know they will), their names will be a lot easier to separate than their property. Take out the hyphen and pick whichever last name you want kids.
Reese Witherspoon is the New Jennifer Anniston
It’s been described as a “horror show”, a “shock”, and a “nightmare”. It’s a scandal so big it’s dominated headlines since the Golden Globes and forced apologies from everyone involved. Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst wore the same dress design. Overreaction anyone?
It seems that the gown Reese wore to the Golden Globes was the same one Dunst wore to the 2003 GG’s ceremony. Every newspaper and tabloid in the country instantly latched on to it, painting Reese with the kind of victimization usually reserved for Jennifer Aniston. People don’t we have something better to do? Compared to this, covering Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy is almost a story of substance.
It’s times like this that I actually feel a twinge of sympathy for celebrities. I buy my suits off the rack, my shirts off a shelf, and my underwear comes in a plastic wrapper. At any given moment there’s likely to be at least a hundred or so other guys walking around Dallas wearing the exact same suit and tie combo. I don’t care; no one’s going to notice. But think of a life in which you can’t even wear something that someone else wore three years ago without getting ripped apart for it in the media. What a pain in the butt.
The fault apparently wasn’t with Reese, but Chanel. You see, no one actually buys their clothes for these events; they’re given to them by various designers. Every gown worn to an awards ceremony is a walking advertisement. Reese was advertising for Chanel, but wearing an advertisement that had already been worn by Dunst before. Great. Let’s all make a concerted effort from now on not to care. Reese looked beautiful, she won an award, and that’s all that matters. Actually, even that doesn’t matter but if we’re going to obsess over something let’s make it that.
For the record, it looked better on Reese.
Shatner Sells His Body
Nobody’s a bigger fan of William Shatner than I. The guy is a national treasure. But even for me selling his body to collectors goes a bit too far. It’s not like he farts diamonds and gold… or does he? William Shatner has sold his kidney stone for $25,000 and then turned around and donated the money to charity… charity for those keeping track is the catch-all-excuse celebrities and people of power use to do just about any old thing and get away with it. In the case of Shatner, it’s his excuse for doing something really gross. Sure handing off your kidney stone is disgusting, but it’s for a good cause!
The money from the stone will be used to build a new house for Hurricane Katrina victims. If I were them, I’d turn it down. The house is permanently tainted. Some people get freaked out about living in houses where others have died, for me it’s houses built by kidney stones. I’d start imagining suspicious smells, seeing strange fluid on the walls, hearing grunts of pain coming from the bathroom. Echoes of the kidney stones past life. I just couldn’t do it, even if I was a Katrina victim who had just gotten kicked out of my government provided hotel because I refused to get off my ass and get a job. No way.
But Bill, I’m still your biggest fan and I’ll happily take anything external you have to offer. Hair follicles nail clippings, old tennis shoes, that phaser you used to shoot the worm that crawled out of Chekov’s ear. I just don’t want anything that’s been inside you (insert George Takei joke here).
The stone was bought by the greasy guys at GoldenPalace.com, and Shatner feels just fine about it. “I retain visitation rights,” he says. So if you see Captain Kirk coming out of the GoldenPalace.com headquarters, don’t ask to shake his hand. You know exactly where it’s been.
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