I’ve watched Con Air twice in the last week. The first time, I was once again struck by how badass the line-up is, from top to bottom. It’s a rough crew of spitters and shitters. Gagging ‘em and bagging ‘em is the only real option. So, the second time I decided to weigh all of the information we’re given about each and order all the major characters from the least to the most badass.
How do you define badass? Well, it's a conglomeration of factors that ultimately tell me who I would and would not be willing to fuck with.
Figuring out the order proved surprisingly difficult for two reasons. First, I’m a bit obsessive compulsive and love the hell out of this movie too much not to order everyone perfectly. Second, there’s a lot of unusual personality types in play here. As such, I had to do my best to balance the strengths and weaknesses. In the end, I’m confident I nailed it.
Here is every major character in Con Air, ranked by how badass they are.
18) Little Casey PoeStrengths: Has good manners, owns colorful hair bows, completed Kindergarten.
Weaknesses: Almost certainly has daddy issues, is scared of boys with black teeth who call her names, probably can’t take a punch, lacks upper body strength, has tiny hands.
Analysis: Little Casey Poe is an unassuming child. Her arch nemesis is Scotty Dalton, and all she really wants is to see her father. In a straight up fight, she would be greatly disadvantaged against anyone on this list, both because she’s under four feet tall and because she lacks experience in hand to hand combat. Her little baby hands don't help either. All in all, I’m fairly certainly one medium-strength punch could put her in a coma.