You may have heard they’re an insult to the game. You may have heard they don’t even play on a real diamond or wear real uniforms. Hell, you may have heard they like bobbing for apples in the toilet and live in constant fear of a neighborhood dog. Honestly, some of those claims have merit, but even so, I’m here to tell you the 10 and 11-year-old boys who congregate at The Sandlot are, without question, collectively the greatest baseball team ever assembled in the San Fernando Valley.
With a combination of vicious heaters, timely hitting and mean-spirited insults, they’re able to run over every single opponent like an unstoppable juggernaut. They proved it by beating a bunch of pee-drinking crap faces recently, and with plenty of celebratory chewing tobacco on hand, they’ll gladly take on any and all-comers, at least provided it’s not too hot.
If we’re being honest, however, there are still a few holes in that Sandlot line-up. There are a few players who do almost all of the heavy-lifting and a few others who coast on the greatness of their teammates. So, let’s have an honest conversation about the men on the field. Just as we recently did with The Mighty Ducks, let’s rank every single player in The Sandlot by baseball greatness.
9) Michael "Squints" PalledorousPosition: Right Field Or Center Field
Pros: Nice Footspeed, Fooling Around Experience, Grandpa In Law Enforcement, Good Storyteller, Plays Multiple Positions
Cons: Non-Swimmer, Banned From The Pool, Poor Bat Speed, Lack Of Power, Suspect Eyesight
Analysis: Pretty much every time Squints swings the bat, you can tell he’s not coming around on it fast enough. We don’t get quite enough game action to know for sure, but it’s a pretty safe bet that he grounds out to second base on a regular basis. Fortunately, with a short little choppy swing, it’s likely he’s a contact hitter, and with good speed, if he hits it even toward a hole, he can probably beat out the throw. He also seems to be at least an average defensive player, given no one bitches about his play, and he’s sometimes seen playing center field.
Every team I’ve ever been on includes at least one dude who loves to tell weird sex stories. Think Moe in Slap Shot. As the only player who has kissed a woman long and good, Squints fits that niche quite well here. He’s done some weird shit, and he planned all of it years ahead of time. In addition, I also have it on good authority that he’s probably going to own a drug store later in his life; so, painkillers for everyone’s sore knees.