Some people like their action stars to be gymnasts. They like ‘em to climb walls, summersault, triple axle and do intricate and distracting maneuvers with their hands. They like ‘em svelte and aerodynamic, able to easily hide in plain sight or impersonate harmless boobs on the street. They like brutal and violent theater, gaudy displays of dexterous grandiosity not likely to be seen in sketchy divebars and biker clus. Not me. If I want to watch an uneven bars routine, I’ll fire up Nadia Comeneci on YouTube. What can I say? I’m a man of simple taste when it comes to action stars. Call me resistant to change or biased toward the throwbacks, but if I were choosing a man to defend this realm in Mortal Kombat, I’d pick the biggest, baddest, most menacing bastard on the block and tell him to kick the holy hell out of a lot of people.
Remember that scene in Tropic Thunder where Tom Cruise tells the key grip to punch the director right in the face? That’s what I want to see, some hulking and intimidating son of a bitch inflicting as much damage as possible. No pressure points or new-fangled ballet nonsense, just straight ahead right hands, sneaky uppercuts, well-placed leg sweep and accurate gunfire. I want men who look like rugby players. Jason Statham looks like a rugby player, and that’s why he’s the action star for me. He doesn’t need Far East tactics or sneak attacks to disable an opponent. He tells ‘em he’s going to kick their ass, and then he kicks their ass. It’s not a physics experiment or borderline science fiction mumbo jumbo. He’ll do what it takes to complete his task, whether that means resorting to martial arts or shooting an unarmed man. From streetfights to disagreements over women to hired hospital jobs, Jason Statham is my favorite vigilante. With rugged good looks, a likeable personality and some beat-up knuckles, he’ll take two punches in the face to deliver one.
Later this week, the Jason Statham and Ben Foster hitman remake The Mechanic right hooks its way onto DVD and Blu-Ray. To gear up for Statham's devastating arrival on Blu-ray, Cinema Blend is proud to bring to you the 5 most devastating beatings Jason Statham has ever unleashed. Cover your face, curl up into the fetal position and pray he generously decides to take mercy on your soul. Spoiler alert: he won’t.
Kicking The Door Down in the TransporterBefore the first Transporter was released, Jason Statham was known only to obsessive diving fans and a small demographic very into Guy Ritchie films. One running kick helped change that. With an inconspicuous ring of the bill, he coaxes the first big lug out of hiding and proceeds to bury him underneath the door. From there, he hides beneath a table to escape a hale of gunfire, quickly turning the momentum and shooting kneecaps for sport. Run of the mill criminals always think massacring everyone in the room is the right call, but Jason Statham’s been through too many wars for that. You ice the main guy in the head and leave the rest broken and bleeding, pathetic shells their self-esteems will never recover from. Oh, and to finish it all off, he wrecks two douche bags simultaneously coming at him with axes. James Caan could have used those skills in Misery.
Explaining What He Does For A Living in The ExpendablesSharing with someone special details of your personal life can sometimes be a bit nerve-wracking, especially if you work in a strange or sensitive field, but once Jason Statham’s lady friend begrudgingly opens up and tells him who hit her, the mercenary decides it’s the perfect opportunity to finally divulge his trade. Together, they roll up on a local park in his motorcycle before Statham briskly walks to center court, threatens to take lives and unleashes a stinging right hand, silently announcing he’s prepared to fight one-on-six. Of course, the domestic abuser and his band of goons are no match for the bald-headed badass who unsheathes a knife at one point , but knows there’s no point in delivering a further message because his would be heeded. Now you know what he does for a living.
Hiding What He Needs To Do in CrankSometimes, as shown in the paragraph above, it’s best to inform the ladies of what you’re up to, but now and again, a man needs to handle his shit without worrying his Entwife. That’s the case here in Crank where Jason Statham capitalizes on Amy Smart’s lacksidasical movements to get in a few serious asskickings without her being the wiser. Sure, there are several scenes where he fights more people at a time, even one where he uses a man’s body as a human shield in the sequel, but none of those involve keeping a bystander out of the loop. Multitasking is generally a lot harder for men, but a true badass should be able to handle his dirty work and still be presentable for dinner.
Refusing To Leave Without His Coat in LondonWhen it comes down to it, most people don’t want to fight. They talk a good game, sure, but throwing the first punch is another matter entirely. It’s one thing when you’re paid to do that sort of thing for a living, but there’s an inherent pressure to keep the peace and not be the guy that threw the first punch in a social situation. At least that’s how most people think, but there’s a tiny subdemographic of crazy motherfuckers out there that just can’t help themselves. Jason Statham’s character in London is one of those men. Armed with a bottle and screaming “Alright, come on then”, he unleashes holy hell upon a casual party suddenly gone UFC. Men are kicked while they’re down, C-bombs are profusely dropped and it takes a screaming woman to get Statham and his buddy out of the melee and onto an elevator. Unfortunately, he forgot his coat. Don’t tell even bother telling him not to go back. He’s had it for ten years.
Finishing The Job in Death RaceAll of these asskickings we’ve shown you thus far have taken great skill or sizeable balls, but a true assassin never stops until he finishes the job. It takes unflinching brutality to snap a defenseless enemy’s throat, but the truly great ones don’t hesitate when the opportunity arises. That’s what’s happening here in this clip from Death Race. Despite some passenger seat questioning, Statham suits up like the gimp from Pulp Fiction, exits the vehicle and relishes the execution he was born to dole out. Sure, he pauses for a second but only to deliver one last biting taunt into his victim’s ear. Normally, you see this sort of jeering from villains and scoundrels, but Statham can’t send anyone to hell until he lets him know who’s doing the sending. I can approve of that, and since you’re reading an article about merciless asswhoopings, something tells me you can too. Game, set, Statham!
Got your own favorite Jason Statham beat-downs? Add to the list by telling us about them in the comments below.