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Jessica Biel Nailed, Literally

Here’s how you know when Hollywood has really run out of ideas: They’ve started stealing the plots of porn movies. At least that’s the only explanation I can come up with to cover David O. Russell’s next project.

The movie is something called Nailed, which Russell co-wrote with Al Gore’s daughter and will direct himself. HR says it stars Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal and here’s what it’s about… I’m going to quote them directly, because HR’s plot description is just that unbelievable: “Biel would play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward small-town receptionist who has a nail accidentally shot into her head by a clumsy workman, eliciting wild sexual urges.” I’ve seen this movie before, usually on Showtime, late at night. It was good, but for some reason none of the women ever wore tops.

Lest you think this is just your run-of-the-mill softcore porno written by a former Vice President’s daughter, they’ve mixed in some political mumbo jumbo. Apparently Joyce takes her super-horniness to Washington in order to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured. There, she meets an immoral congressman played by Gyllenhaal and screws him, and then uses her screwing him to benefit her crusade and start a career in politics. It was either that or porn. Politics was probably the better choice, though the difference between the two is rather minimal.

Side note: Jake Gyllenhaal is now officially the luckiest dude on the planet. I would literally be willing to sleep with Heath Ledger if it meant being able to play his role in this movie. Perhaps that was his plan all along.

I also want to go on record as saying that this will be the best movie of the year, whichever year it ends up getting released in. It’s also fairly realistic. Just imagine all the good Jessica Biel could accomplish in the world if she ever actually unleashed her out of control libido. Her hotness has already fooled the world into thinking she’s a great actor, she should take it a step further and go into politics. Why not negotiate Osama’s surrender or use it to reduce the national debt? Success is inevitable. She’s irresistible.