Dakota Johnson Confessed To One Of The Most Hilarious Revenge Pranks I've Ever Heard, And 'A Gallon Of Gorilla S--t' Is Involved

A full decade after Dakota Johnson helped bring erotic romances to the mainstream, she's set to romance both Pedro Pascal and Chris Evans in Celine Song's Materialists, which is perhaps the most snuggly-looking of all the upcoming A24 movies on the 2025 movie schedule and beyond. While promoting the movie, however, Johnson fesssed up to a prank that's on the opposite end of the snuggly-wuggly spectrum. Because there's nothing comforting or romantic about a gallon of gorilla shit, amirite?

Johnson wasn't speaking about any of the scenes that will pop up in Materialists, thankfully, but was taking part in a Vanity Fair lie detector test, where she was asked a litany of questions about her career and personal life. Which led to the following hilarious exchange:

• INTERVIEWER: Speaking of friendship, you once sent a man who broke your friend's heart a gallon of gorilla shit. Can you confirm or deny this happened?
• DAKOTA JOHNSON: I mean, there's no way that he would watch this, so yes, I did do that. And it's been quite a while. It's been some years.

I have never watched an interview with the expectation that a celebrity will go on the record and admit to having any amount of great ape's waste delivered to an undesirable person, but I guess that changes after today. So...I guess...thank you, Dakota Johnson?

I do offer genuinely sincere gratitude to the Madame Web vet for making me laugh as hard as I did during the entire lie detector interview, but especially while fessing up to such a sordid form of revenge. The exchange continued with:

• INTERVIEWER: How would one order something like that? Asking for a friend.
• DAKOTA JOHNSON: Shitsenders.com. You can order any kind, any size.
• INTERVIEWER: Truthful.

I know this is going to be the absolute worst phrasing to use at the current moment, but I absolutely adore Johnson's shit-eating grin that slowly creeps up as she names the website responsible for such smelly accomodations.

Many of us, no doubt, have been either caught in the act of doing something completely immature and vindictive, or have had to admit to such behavior, and have been unable to avoid smiling while taking responsibility. No need to dwell on any of my own examples, which definitely don't involve gorilla shit.

In any case, I'm willing to go on the record with my prediction that Dakota Johnson's new movie will feature fewer than 3 scenes where characters discuss mailing animal feces to friends' exes. Fewer than 2, even. I feel like all the positive early reactions to Materialists would have mentioned those if they occur.

Take a look below at a trailer for the romantic comedy, which is a genre that Johnson and Pedro Pascal both take seriously.

Materialists hits theaters on June 13, and if you're planning on taking a date to see it, a good move would probably be to make sure you can pinpoint and identify which of their friends seems most likely to spend money on delivering a gallon of shit to someone. And then you send THAT person a gallon of shit as a warning. Or maybe just go watch this movie without any of that other stuff.