Ask potheads which movie character they’d most like to get high with and at least half the time you’ll hear Cheech and Chong or Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski. On the one hand, it makes sense given they’ve been long exalted as great advocates for the weed cause, but on the other hand, it makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. If you could have sex with any woman in the world, would you really pick a porn star? If you could get drunk with any person in history, would you pick a known alcoholic? I certainly wouldn’t. Fast Times At Ridgemont High’s Spicolli might be fun to watch on film, but in real life, I wouldn’t have the slightest interest in passing him a joint and hearing him talk about how worthless US History is. The same thing goes for Slater from Dazed And Confused and Jay from the Kevin Smith movies. Just because they smoke more weed doesn’t mean they’d be more desirable to smoke it with.
Give me the secret pothead who works a nine to five job only to smoke out his garage on Sunday’s. Give me the philosopher with some wild opinions on life. Give me the guy who tokes up as a break from medical school applications. Give me any one of the following movie characters, and I’ll roll a joint, fire up the hookah and celebrate 4/20 the right way. This holiday shouldn’t be about glorifying underachievers who’d rather live in shitty apartments to save weed money, it should be about the casual smokers who have their lives together but still like to unwind now and again. So, in honor of 4/20, here’s four hard-working and decent tokers I’d get high with and one madman I couldn’t help but light up with…
Lester Burnham’s wheels may have come off a bit lately with the whole blackmailing his boss fiasco and the taking of a food service industry position, but those short sighted decisions can be chalked up to a reclamation of his life. There are few things more stimulating than spending time with someone who’s suddenly excited and enthusiastic about where they’re going. With a few puff puff passes, a James Bond marathon and possibly a Ricky Fitts appearance, we’d root for 007 to bed Pussy Galore, laugh the night away complaining about corporate jerkoffs deciding who’s expendable and hope to Re-Animator, his wife Carolyn didn’t wake up. She wouldn’t be pleased.
There are two reasons I’d bake out with Alex from Grandma’s Boy and neither of them have anything to do with video games. First, had he not forgot oven mitts, his late night smorgasbord of leftovers would have been one of the better munchie feasts of all-time. Unfortunately, it’s hard to employ the five second rule when your fingers have third degree burns. Second, he’s already got another friend willing to go to the loony bin without giving a fuck. Most of the time, Alex and I both like to smoke just enough to keep ourselves sensible, but every now and again, when shit goes too far, it’s nice to know we’d have a third idiot along for the ride.
To be perfectly honest, I almost went with Bill Hader’s character from Pineapple Express, but since his life path ends with a murder order from Dexter Morgan’s dad, I thought I’d go in another direction. Besides, the same calming voice and interesting opinions that would make Dale Denton great on the radio would also make him a good partner for long-winded high conversations about nothing in particular. He’s not a man that’ll answer questions in one word statements, nor is he a man that would escape inside his head after a bong hit. Add the random costumes he carries in his trunk and regardless of where the night might take us, we’d be well prepared to entertain ourselves.
Screw his idiot twin brother that knocked Melanie Lynskey’s character up, I’ll take the Ivy League professor who got the hell out of his redneck town and made something of himself. Sure, he might be a bit stuck up and resistant to inhaling at first, but nag him long enough and he’ll smoke himself silly babbling on about ancient philosophy and literature. Lord only knows where the conversation may end up, but that’s half the fun of debating theoretical nonsense with an under the influence genius. Plus, we know he can take an arrow; so, if we ever end up at that rich dude’s house in Garden State, firing weapons into the air would definitely seem less dangerous. Stop tugging on your ear, Natalie Portman, we’re just getting started.
Unlike the rest of these people who I’d get stoned with on the regular, my smoking with Carl Spackler would definitely be a one time thing. You can’t blaze with a guy like this too often or you run the risk of actually becoming his friend, but this one-off night of social deviance would include golf, unprovoked gopher murder and more than likely, ogling old women in unflattering clothing. On numerous occasions, I’ve eaten at the Dalai Lama’s brother’s Tibetan restaurant, and that would provide a perfect in to swapping stories about His Holiness. In addition, we both want to win the Masters. So, we’ve got that going for us both… which is nice.
Honorable Mentions: David from “David After Dentist”, Floyd from True Romance, Cal from The 40 Year Old Virgin, Igby from Igby Goes Down, Sam McPherson from Walk Hard, Kumar from Harold And Kumar, Reed from Boogie Nights, Dr. Gonzo from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, Joel Goodsen from Risky Business and Annie Hall from Annie Hall.