The Animal

The Animal roars into theaters like a pack of mildly irritated field mice... and will likely leave even more quietly. But despite mediocre box-office success, lackluster reviews, and general disinterest, The Animal isn't quite the cow patty you might expect it to be.

The Animal stars Rob Schneider as a hapless loser who suffers a disastrous accident, and subsequently has most of his vital organs replaced by Animal parts. As a result, he is blessed with enhanced agility, strength, speed, and senses, and cursed with the uncontrollable urges of a horny wildabeast.

Schneider is a funny dude, with a bad habit for picking bad parts in even worse films. The Animal is no exception to this, limping from gag to gag with an almost constipated behavior, suddenly releasing immensely big laughs, only to back itself up again with tediously smarmy scenes as it struggles to find it way to the next big gag. It is imminently clear that this is a terrible script. Honestly, the Hobbit isn't entirely convinced there actually is a script, but suspects that instead a bag of gags was substituted and then at the last minute some crap was thrown in between to tie it all together. But, for every moment of tedium, the audience is rewarded with a subsequently explosive laugh out loud gag, tempered with just the right amount of gross out humor to be hilariously funny without giving rise to the urge to throw up.

Comic timing is everything, and even though Rob Schneider has none, he makes up for it by looking goofy, which strangely enough seems to work. His love interest, played by Survivor Colleen Haskell clearly has no acting ability, and looks as if she belongs working at Taco Bell instead of on the big screen. She doesn't look like a movie star and doesn't act like one either, but there is something strangely attractive about that. Even though Colleen clearly couldn't act her way out of a bean burrito, she's charming, delightful, and cute. Somehow that works in spite of her clearly limited range.

In short, The Animal is perfect rental fodder, suitable for lonely nights at home with a bag of chili cheese Fritos and two cases of Old Milwaukee beer. So if you like to drink, and you like goat sex, wait a few months and pick up the Animal on video. Your sheep will thank you.