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Thanks to TV super producer Dick Wolf, we’ve been treated to a nice trifecta of shows based on emergency responders in the great city of Chicago. We first saw Chicago Fire, and were then treated to Chicago P.D. and Chicago Med. Since all those shows are doing well for NBC, it makes sense that they’d want to keep the Chicago train rolling, right? Well, now there are tentative plans for a fourth installment, Chicago Law. But, this can’t keep going forever. So, here are some possible Chicago Fire spinoffs that we have no interest in seeing, ever.
Chicago MailThe rough and tumble story of Chicago Mail would tell the tale of the proud men and women who make sure our postal system keeps running smoothly (well, as smoothly as possible for the US Postal Service) on a daily basis. What happens when someone mails something fragile, but hasn’t appropriately marked the package? How do you make sure perishables stay fresh as they travel throughout the system? What do you do when you forget a package back at the post office? How do you deal with the customer buying stamps who can’t decide which stamps they want? How, on Earth, do you combat a nasty neighborhood dog on your daily route? All these questions, and more, would be answered, to non-comedic effect, on Chicago Mail.
Chicago Mall CopShopping in Chicago and the surrounding area is no joke. In the very first season of Chicago P.D. a shoot out took place in the parking lot of an area mall. The people who usually step in, in this kind of situation, are, naturally, the mall cops. Except, you know, lucky for Chicago shoppers, that’s not that common at all, especially, say, at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. Chicago Mall Cop will follow the exploits of mall cops as they look, desperately, for ways to keep themselves busy during the day. They’ll report spills in the food court, and admonish parents who let little kids run wild. They can chat about how bad their feet hurt while standing around a kiosk and hand off the occasional shop lifting suspect to the cops after bemoaning how their giant pretzels got cold and hard, and all the salt fell off. It’ll be drama for days.
Chicago Crossing GuardGoing to school in the big city can be a dangerous business. You wouldn’t want kids running willy nilly across all lanes of traffic to get to and from their busses. You want someone trustworthy herding the little buggers in an orderly fashion, at all times. This is where Chicago Crossing Guard would come in. Watch as they lead children across the street every morning; dealing with the screaming, fighting, crying masses with aplomb…And then sit in chairs on street corners, alone, for around eight hours. Then, all hell breaks loose as the kids get out of school, and everything starts all over again. Will the crossing guards ever get enough time to finish their books or their needlepoint designs? Will the late lunches they took get cold while they deal with the kids? We’ll have to tune in to find out.
Chicago Jury DutyIf Chicago Law is coming, why not cover what it’s like in Chicago Jury Duty? All the excitement of a big case filtered through the personal trials and tribulations of 12 regular people who couldn’t find a good enough excuse to successfully get out of jury duty. But, they tried. They really did try. Now, however, they are confined to the city court building for hours on end. A season could cover the whole process. First, they’re in a pool of hundreds of potential jurors. Then, the choices slowly get whittled down. Very…very…slowly. Then, we finally have a group of 50 strong people, willing to do their duty for the city. But, they have to listen to presentations from the prosecutors and defense attorneys first. And pledge to answer all their questions honestly. And…you get the idea. The whole season will be filled with waiting and then doing a little and then waiting some more. The drama is constantly unfolding!
Chicago 911Finally, what would any of these shows be without 911 operators? Nothing, that’s what. So, prepare yourselves for the ultimate in crossover shows with Chicago 911. Every character from every other Chicago show is bound to appear at some point. When an older lady's cat gets stuck in a tree, of course she calls 911, and, who else would show up but Chicago Fire? When those mall cops need a shoplifter escorted from the mall, 911 can send Chicago P.D. over. When a crossing guard breaks her nose on her giant stop sign after running to stop a child from running in the crosswalk, 911 will make sure she gets to Chicago Med on time. Chicago Law will combine with Chicago Jury Duty when a bored juror falls asleep on his phone, accidentally dials 911 and everyone has to be evacuated from the building. Chicago 911 will be the perfect Chicago show. It will be the vortex that converges all other Chicago shows. And, for that reason alone, we should hope it never happens.