The image of a handcuffed man being dragged into a cop car should be the unofficial logo of Wisteria Lane because it really has appeared that much in the show’s two-and-a-half year history. Mike’s ineffective attempt to literally bury his unclear past caught up with him as the police came to arrest him. New best-friend Carlos and Edie were there when the police arrived to take the red-wrenched plumber away, but Edie was the first one to ditch him when she found out about the evidence. Susan quickly refilled the empty space left by Edie, offering to get Mike the best lawyer possible (it is Ian, however, who will really provide that lawyer, according to his generous jealous ultimatum to Susan, making her never speak to Mike again). Though it looks like pedophile Art may need that lawyer before Mike is done with him.

Gaby’s juvenile acts got even more hilarious as she manipulated her way into the arms of a recently made single man (his wife died a year ago). She did it by ending the best-friendship of stellar beauty-queen-in-training Shari and untalented (and conniving) Amy. Eva Longoria’s incredible comedic delivery peppered the entire episode with DH priceless-ness. Her one-liner at the ladies’ poker game outshined the Bree-Susan feud over Mike’s innocence: “Anyone got a yeast infection?” Bree was quick to forgive Orson after hearing about Mike’s arrest, while Susan was so confident in his innocence she didn’t even need to ask Mike if he killed Monique or not. Susan, who no longer had Bree to make the big dinner for Ian’s parents, used her unparalleled lithe (unparalleled, that is, not in a good way) to steal the keys to Orson’s office.

Apparently Orson does what all dentists whose wives just kicked them out do: eat greasy pizza while watching sports before grabbing one of those complimentary toothbrushes you get after your check-up to clean his own teeth. Susan watched as Bree came to hear Orson tell what she believed to be the whole truth (though it was anything but the truth) about Monique and Alma. She hit the jackpot when she came across an incriminating box with a document about Orson’s past in a mental institution and an eerie picture of him and what looked like his mother. Props to the DH prop designers for creating some pretty convincing Orson relics (including that creepy yet amusing home video of Orson that Gloria sickly enjoyed).

At the Fairview Christmas community get-together (something I do not remember from either of the first two seasons), rumors about Art gave way to some awkward silence when he showed up as a Santa bearing gifts. Enraged Fairviewers got together to make glittery anti-pedophilia signs as Lynette became increasingly suspicious of her initial suspicions. Art’s sister insisted that the pictures on his wall were of his swimming team, but the wheelchair-bound sister suffered from a fatal heart attack after the unrelenting protesters stormed their lawn. Lynette got even guiltier after Art’s sister died and approached the possible-molester. Her guilt was erased about as fast as Alfre Woodard’s contract at the end of last season when Art confessed that Lynette’s suspicions were, in fact, valid and that he had already packed his things to leave Wisteria. Pedophiles across the country ought to write in to Cherry and complain about how dumbly they’ve been portrayed on DH – I’m quite sure that the true pedophile would never willingly verify his identity to suspicious mothers.

Gloria may be the only Wisteria resident who can say for sure that her Christmas gift wasn’t a re-gift, but, for her, that isn’t saying much. The bitch got ousted from the Van De Hodge residence into a condominium development, but dialed an unknown accomplice before she left. In an utterly shocking episode clincher, the accomplice was revealed to be a very much alive Alma (who seemed very much interested in bringing down Orson). The Mike-Monique-Orson-Alma mystery just got a whole lot muddier, though I think the only thing still clear is that Mike did not kill Monique and was framed by someone. The only thing this mystery needs to make it the true epic series-rescuing storyline intended by Cherry is a link to Ian and Jane, and judging by the shock of tonight that may not be such an unlikely plot twist.

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