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There’s no show on television that makes me want to drink alcohol more than It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Sure, booze always makes their problems worse, but it’s not about the final result. It’s about how much drunken fun they have before waking up. It’s about living in the moment, and no one lives in the moment like these idiots.
If there’s a scheme, they’ll try it. If it involves alcohol, they’ll try it immediately, which is probably why the first episode of Season 10 sees the gang take a crosscountry flight in an attempt to drink more beers than legendary baseball player and alcoholic Wade Boggs. It’s probably the most It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia plot possible, and, of course, it’s hysterical.
So, in honor of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, I’ve decided to rank the cast members in order of who I would most want to get drunk with. The whole process is very scientific, and I, of course, crushed it, as per usual. No one is better at knowing my drinking preferences than me. It’s uncanny.
#5) FrankPros: Has plenty of disposable income for shenanigans, probably won’t get so drunk he’ll pass out, will share his bizarre thoughts on life
Cons: Is easily the lightest drinker of the Gang, owns an arsenal of strange weapons, doesn’t have a conscience, is interested in disgustingly ugly women, might invite his friends who hang out under the bridge.
Conclusion: I love Frank to death, but to be honest, he’s a clear last place. If we were talking about tripping balls on LSD or trolling for sewer wenches, he’d be my number one. With booze involved, though, he’s out of his element.
#4) CharliePros: Can drink like a horse, could kill any dangerous animals, has a better heart than everyone else in the Gang.
Cons: Would talk about the waitress excessively, has poor taste in everything, no interest in drinking anywhere classy.
Conclusion: Charlie, bless his heart, really does mean well, and I appreciate that he pounds beers like few men in history. Ultimately, this just comes down to personal preference. Of everyone on this list, I would have the most difficult time making conversation with Charlie. Our interest Venn Diagrams don’t overlap very much at all, and since drinking is about bonding and having a good time, there are other places I would go first.
#3) MacPros: Very agreeable, is a sheriff, wears excellent t-shirts, loves eating, above average roundhouse kick.
Cons: Repressed homosexuality might explode out, is not a real sheriff, probably has STDs, refuses to wear condoms, has suspect political opinions.
Conclusion: Mac is a good dude to have around, and he’s always down to have fun. I would 100% get drunk with him. Unfortunately, there’s a real chance he might start some shit he’s unwilling to finish and/ or offend me with poorly thought out political opinions that don’t make a whole lot of sense. That being said, if you see the server, Fat Mac and I will split the cheesesticks, onion rings, french fries and popcorn shrimp appetizers.
#2) Sweet DeePros: Can drink a stupid number of beers, will probably hand out sexual favors like candy, has a never-ending bag of schemes, is usually up for hijinks.
Cons: Small bladder, will probably get her car stolen, has a lot of internal rage, might smoke crack cocaine.
Conclusion: Deandra is a classic drunk. She’s got a ton of internal issues that propel her to drink more and more, and she never, ever, under any circumstances learns her lesson from drunken mistakes made before. She’s ready for the party as soon as she wakes up, and it would be pretty sweet to be invited to that party for a long weekend.
#1) DennisPros: Master manipulator, psychological whiz, overflowing with self-confidence, good conversationalist.
Cons: Occasionally lacks common sense, is evil to his core, is probably a serial rapist.
Conclusion: It doesn’t get any better than Dennis. There are other members of the Gang who drink more, but Dennis never takes his eyes off the ultimate prize of having a good time. Whether that’s through making other people feel like shit about themselves, having random sexual encounters or engaging in strange discussions, he’s the perfect drinking partner. Just don’t expect him to wing man for you. He’ll definitely choose his own dick over yours.