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Last week: Well, I think we saw Snooki's Vagina. You know what that means: six more weeks of winter.
This week: So, definitively, Vinny entered the Forbidden Cave of Snooki, and Snooki feels the need to tell Jioni (or however you spell his crazy name) this for the eleventy-fourth time. She's wearing a sequined pink cap that would make RuPaul look like a Fox News special, and she's fanning herself with a notebook, which is proof that this show is fake, because we all know she can't read or write. So, no resolution there. Everyone goes to bed.
We watch Pauly blow his nose, which is about the nineteenth least gross thing we've seen come out of his body. Deena tells him she wants to "do sex," which sounds sort of like something a five-year-old would say and I feel just completely skeeved out. Her shirt says "totally available," which makes me feel a little bit better because hey, truth in advertising. Hey! Let's head off to the club! Pauly needs to bring home a girl or he'll have no choice but to introduce Deena to his penis. I think I just heard Gloria Steinem smack her forehead from half a continent away. Feminism is dead, ladies. Pauly killed it. Line forms to the left.
The gang goes home and Pauly is all UH OH and Deena is all BANG BANG BANG. Vinny makes some metaphor about meatballs and Deena and I don't understand. I think I'm having a stroke. What smells like burnt hair? Oh, that's just JWOWW, who summons Deena with a loud bellow that is at least fifty percent RELEASE THE KRAKEN! and there she is. She's wearing a dress that looks like someone let a gallon jug of Skittles loose in the wash, and I think for the first time I realize her boobs are incredibly different from one another in both size and texture. Huh.
Snooki tells us that all she wants to do is drink, and I'm halfway into calling Dr. Drew when I suddenly decide that I don't care enough about her to want the little troll-monster to get better. So, she and Deena decide to dance up on each other and it sort of looks like they're trying to form a doughy orange version of Voltron. Hey! Haircut time. Vinny does something to Pauly's head, and Pauly uses Sitch's toothbrush to clean his hair thing...and then Sitch brushes his teeth. Everyone laughs, but seriously, Sitch, you probably have mouth cancer now. Get checked out.
Snooki and Deena come home and Snooki is wearing a tiny cowboy hat and a Hooters outfit. Oh, dignity. I miss you. We get a lecture on "Guido Problems," which include losing one's tan and not going to the gym enough. Okay. Then, we're off to the club again. Snooki and Deena are wearing fur boots for the second episode in a row, which looks like they're ankle-deep in muppet scrotum, and they start to misbehave. JWOWW says she's great at playing mom, which makes me sad, because I feel abject terror for any creature that comes screaming out of her uterus. It doesn't have a chance.
We learn the Italians hate our Jersey friends, and are chanting obscenities at them. Ronnie is all FIIIIIIIIGHT and his eyes get super big and he looks like a hungry goldfish. The fight doesn't happen. Snooki is now wearing a big light-up bow and getting harassed by an Italian hipster. "They're making fun of us," says Deena. "Maybe it's the boots." Nope. Not the boots. So then Snooki throws a punch or something and gets carried out like a handbag and I'm bored and horrified. Borified.
The creamsicle twins come home and tell the gang their story and it's all YAPYAPYAPYAPYAPYAP and Ronnie runs for the hills as JWOWW goes to hide with Sam. Snooki finds the hot tub and I think Deena pees in it. Snooki says that the hot tub is burning her vagina, but we all know that's just the herpes coming back 'round again. Let's skip to the next day, where, when entering a cafe, Snooki tells a waiter that they're "not hookers, they're just from Jersey." And that's that. Oh, the boys start a fire. Pauly yells FIRE over and over and Ronnie puts it out. No one seems all that concerned that the apartment was just en fuego, but I'm disappointed that all these DTF'ers are not BBR. BBR=burned beyond recognition, BTW. Is anyone else weirded out that Deena and Snooki are suddenly calling each other "the meatballs?" I don't understand. Then someone throws a fork. Deena and Sitch fight and I just want someone to explode.
The girls cook. Sammi and JWOWW are getting along, which means that the end of the world is imminent. I guess this is what happens when everyone else is an alcoholic and you have to find someone to help you beat the tears back. Dinner time: there are lame and pointless toasts. Apparently, we're all going back to Jersey soon. Well, surprise? Also, everyone hates Sitch. Yawn.
Is Sitch wearing a toupee? I hope so. Sammie and Ronnie are SMOKING IN THE HOUSE and discussing their relationship, which is SUPER SUPER boring, and there's a cello playing, which is over-the-top ridiculous. Sitch is all alone in a pink hoodie and I think we're supposed to feel bad for him because the music is sad...but nope. I'm dead inside, now, and it's this show's fault. Everyone decides to kick Sitch out or something. I'm very confused. Then Vinny and Pauly climb into bed and have some rough sex. That last sentence is almost true.
Mike ends up trapped in the bathroom for like two full days. Ronnie grunts and slams it and it opens. `Snooki takes a nap in a big pink laundry bag. And we're back out at the club...where everyone appears to have a good time. Until, of course, Mike picks a fight and looks all sadified and alone. Well, we know how this is going to end.
See you next week, kids, where I'm pretty sure Sitch is donezo. Won't that be nice?