Jersey Shore Season 5 Watch: Exit Vinny, Enter The Bunny

Previously: Snooki waxed poetic about things happening in her butt. Vinny left. Mike left. I decided that I pretty much hate everybody.

This week: Danny barges on in and makes some sort of demand about the crew needing new roommates. It's contrived, and it looks like he's written his script on his hand or something. Deena is wearing a bright pink "DIRRTY" hat, which I'm pretty sure she's required to wear, by law. Oh, wait. Sitch didn't leave. False alarm. So the gang smokes some cigarettes (gross) and kibbitzes. The next day, everything revolves around a super-fake plot to sell as many t-shirts as possible...really, MTV? We're supposed to believe that selling t-shirts still matters to these bronzed-streaked, newly rich idiots? Okay then.

Deena duck-phones Vinny and it's an eleven minute conversation about nothing. It's like Seinfeld, only everyone's short a chromosome. The meatballs want to learn how to "walk hard," which I was really hoping would involve a play-by-play viewing of the John C. Reilly movie. No such luck; it's mostly just swinging your arms like you're a monkey ready to fling some poo. The girls audition some strippers for Mike and Pauly's surprise party, which involves an extended interview with the strippers' manager, "The Wizard of Ass." The jokes, they write themselves. Anyway, a wheelchair and some handcuffs are involved, but the girls ask the Wizard to make sure the girls do not take the boys' pants off. It's a classy evening after all.

Danny talks to some folks interested in the job and the spots in the house, and most of them are shorter than Snooki and wearing terrible hats. JWOWW tears down the help-wanted sign, thus ending that subplot. Blah blah blah. Sitch naps in the back room.

Oh, the surprise party happens. And unsurprisingly, there's a lot of drinking and sleeping with strangers. The next morning, Deena calls Vinny again via duckphone (SO MUCH DUCKPHONE THIS EPISODE) and Ronnie cries a little and Vinny is all "I'm not coming back, y'all!" Deena somehow gets a date, which leads to her wrestling a trashbag from her closet for some appropriate clothing. I really have this burning fire of disgust for this girl. Oh, wait. No, it's a bunny costume. So, that makes a boatload of sense. Snooki dresses up in it and scares JWOWW...and suddenly, it's this episode's "thing."

Snooki and Jionni go smoosh-smoosh, and Deena wears some fairy wings for her date, and it looks like someone stuck Tinkerbell in a deep fryer. Sammi gets her hair yanked at the club, and she's all "huh, must be Thursday."

And then we get to the end of the episode...where the gang kidnaps Vinny back. Okay, well, that's settled. They drive to Staten Island and throw him in the car, and Vinny is all "okay."

So, that's that. I guess we can just stop pretending this is, in any way shape or form, reality tv, kids. See you next week, where we'll see more of the bunny costume as the hot mess continues. Ciao!