TV Recap: Gossip Girl - It's a Wonderful Lie

“What makes you think I’m not looking for something long-term?”

Oh Blair, pretty, delusional Blair. It’s time for the Snowflake ball, and Blair is trying to find a prince to escort her to the dance. Of course, not anyone will do, so she’s compiled an impressive list of stats of all of the guys who have asked her so far. Of course, none of them come close to making the cut, mainly because there isn’t a single guy on the list named Chuck Bass.

Master Bass points this out to Miss Blair, who denies that the reason she can’t find a suitable date is because he is her one and only. Nevertheless, they agree to one of their famous bets. In order to prove who knows the other one best, they’re going to find dates for each other. If Blair finds Chuck the best date, she gets his limo for a month. If Chuck finds Blair the best date, he gets Dorota for the month. Dorota is as freaked out by this as I am, especially when Blair tells her that she’ll be lucky if his shoes are what she wants him to shine. Um…yikes.

When we get to the dance, we see that Chuck and Blair have both chosen “Canal Street knockoffs” of each other for their dates. It’s kind of like that Michael Keaton movie, Multiplicity, where he clones himself, but by the time he gets to the seventh clone it’s all blind and missing an arm or whatever. Chuck and Blair 2.0 are terrifying. When they inevitably start making out later, I’m nearly as horrified as when Jenny attacked Nate after the fashion show the way my dog attacks a piece of cheese. I quickly get over it, however, because nothing could be that bad.

In my favorite part of the entire episode, Blair gets discouraged and asks Chuck why everyone can seem to work it out except for them. Chuck reminds us that it’s okay to kind of have a crush on him despite the fact that he’s the creepiest dude ever by telling Blair that he would never want to give up what they have. It’s nice that the two of them realize they’re meant for each other and are making it work in their own screwed up way. It’s pretty cute.

These scene was only slightly marred by HOLY LIBERACE SEQUINED SUIT. Dude. Chuck Bass is wearing sequins. He is sparkly, and what’s more is no one comments on this fact. People are just having normal conversations with him and don’t even mention that he’s dressed like Dorothy Zbornak on a dinner cruise. I do not get the Upper East Side.

“I just need to keep myself busy. Otherwise I’m gonna start thinking about my future and there’s going to be a Jenny Humphrey-shaped hole through my wall.”

I’m kind of confused about what’s going on with little J. We knew she was back in Brooklyn, after tearfully reconciling with Rufus the other week, but she doesn’t appear to be back in school yet, nor does she seem to be homeschooled. She doesn’t a job either and seems to be spending most of her time alphabetizing records and whatnot.

Even though I have been trying my hardest to convince myself that her whole thing with Nate was just an awkward fever dream, she keeps on bringing it up. This time, she’s talking about it with Vanessa, who just has this “please stop talking. Please stop talking” look on her face the entire time. Sure, part of that is because she stole the letter that Nate sent to Jenny, but most of it just has to be because the Nate/Jenny thing is kind of gross.

It’s definitely in her best interest to try to forget that Nate and Little J ever swapped spit, since that is exactly what he and Vanessa are doing right now. By my count, this is the third time that they’ve gotten together, and I don’t get it. They’re no Dan and Serena, and they’re certainly no Chuck and Blair. Hell, they’re barely even Eric and the nameless boyfriend who was in an episode before they broke up. “Will they or won’t they” isn’t a question that I find myself asking about these two…unless it’s followed by “ever stop being so boring?”

In any case, their make-out session is of course captured by Gossip Girl, leading Little J and the Evil Stepsisters to find out and get their new noses all out of joint. They hatch a really stupid plan to give Vanessa a dress without any lining, so that when the spotlight hits her, people can see…the outline of her legs. Seriously. I see more of Serena’s boobs on a daily basis than I see of my own, but showing Vanessa’s underwear = public humiliation. Blair would not be impressed.

So Jenny plays her “super mean” trick and Vanessa is sad, but it works out for her in the end because Little J feels badly and Nate just ends up liking Vanessa more. At least, that’s what I think happened. These two have zero chemistry, so it’s kind of hard to tell.

“It’s a little ‘When Harry Met Crazy…’”

Speaking of zero chemistry, Serena and Aaron are still dating. This week’s monkey wrench in their relationship comes in the form of his crazy ex who finds an interest in our dear Dan Humphrey. She’s kind of rude and pointless, but she’s here mainly to take away from the fact that Serena and Aaron are a terrible couple and to provide more Serena/Dan awkwardness.

It turns out that despite the fact that Aaron seems to have sex with everyone, he and Serena have not done the deed. Dan hasn’t either, apparently, despite the fact that we saw him with a string of girls after he and Serena broke up the first time. I guess they just played a lot of Scrabble.

Serena and Dan go through some “ooh, we’re going to have sex tonight with different people” jealousy, but in the end they say that they’re cool with each other. However, I would be willing to hazard a guess that neither Aaron nor his crazy ex actually got lucky after the ball.

“I’m leaving him.”

Yes, it’s another installment of Days of Our Olds. In this edition, Lily hasn’t exactly gotten over the fact that her husband hired a private investigator to create dossiers on her and her children. Bart has apologized for this and told Lily that while he may not know how to be a good husband, he does love her and doesn’t want to lose her. Plus, he’s fired the private investigator and turned over a new leaf.

Lily, however, finds out that Bart has lied about firing the detective, and decides that she’s had enough. Now, despite the fact that she has gone through an extensive string of men, much to the detriment of her and her children’s lives, Lily does not decide that it’s time to be alone. Instead, she runs right back into Rufus’s flannel shirt-clad arms.

Chuck, who is back in the doghouse with his dad after revealing the secret dossiers that started this whole mess, tries to patch things up and save his new family by telling Bart to get down to the ball and save his marriage. Unfortunately, he may have tried to get there a little too quickly, as he has an accident en route. Uh oh. Looks like Chuck may now be responsible for the deaths of both of his parents. That’s not going to make that dude any more normal.