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Ok, were we supposed to take Ted dumping Barney seriously last week because this week, the whole thing feels like a joke. Or maybe this is just HIMYM’s usual way of keeping things light and perhaps this is for the best. How serious do we want our Barney anyway? This week, Barney’s on the hunt for a new wingman and Stella magically reappears! Yay!
Five Years - So Ted’s been dating Stella for a while now and it comes out that they haven’t actually slept together yet. He brings up the subject to Stella and admits that it’s been five months since he’s had sex. She in turn, admits that it’s been five years for her. She explains that she just got tired of regretting sleeping with the guys she slept with and so she pretty much stopped having sex altogether. For five years.
Ted brings this information back to his friends (sans Barney). Lily’s horndog side has been front and center these last few episodes. Between the complaints a couple of episodes ago when Marshall was too busy working to sleep with her (“Momma needs her sugar!”), last week’s curiosity over what Barney was like in bed and this week’s brief flashback to her pleasurable days in San Francisco when the earthquakes provided enough vibration to give her some much needed release, I’m finding this side of Lily to be pretty hilarious.
While Lily’s trying to fathom going that long without sex, Marshall points out that the last time Stella had sex was in 2003. According to what he found on the internet, 2003 was back when we were first learning about SARS, The Divinci Code (the book) was published and Nell Carter died. RIP Nell Carter.
“Even though this potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size, I couldn’t enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations.” - Ted and Stella decide to set up a date for sex but he’s worried that after five years of no sex, Stella’s expectations will be huge. He broaches the subject using potato skins as a metaphor but Stella assures him that it’ll be fine. The conversation eventually shifts to “unexpected number of testicles” and her knowing a guy who was “one ball away from getting walked.”
When she shows up at Ted’s apartment, Marshall and Lily casually make reference to Stella’s dry spell. Just like it didn’t occur to Ted that maybe Stella wouldn’t want his friends to know how long it’s been since she’s had sex, it doesn’t occur to Marshall and Lily that it might be inappropriate to admit they know about it. Stella’s mortified and calls the date off. Later, Ted apologizes for being so casual about her sex life and Stella inevitably accepts his apology. She rewards him by introducing him to her daughter, which is a big step for her. Then once they’re alone, they finally get it on.
"It’s going to be Legendary – WAIT FOR IT….. dary."- So Ted’s still on the outs with Barney. Robin doesn’t understand why Ted’s mad at Barney but not at her. Lily responds to this by saying, “Yeah! She had just as much sex with Barney as he had with her.” But actually, Robin’s not sure that’s true and given what we know about Barney, that actually kind of makes sense. Ted explains that he’s not mad at Barney, he just outgrew him as a friend.
So Barney can’t get Ted to return his calls and is spending most of his time (and probably a lot of his money) shopping at SkyMall. This would explain the giant pile of useless crap he has sitting on the floor in his office. Word around the blogosphere is that he’s looking for a new wingman and his dorky colleague Randy wants the job. Barney explains that the wingman has to be the Vice President of Awesome and Randy’s like, Assistant Undersecretary of Only-Ok.
Barney gets in touch with some of his old party friends but they’ve all gotten grown-up lives and aren’t up for the job. Eventually, Barney gives in and gives Randy a shot. He thinks he can make Randy his masterpiece and consents to train him, even after he learns it’s been thirteen years since he’s had sex. Unfortunately, Randy sucks as a wingman. He’s painfully shy, can't seem to follow Barney's instructions and his nose bleeds when he gets an erection, which actually happens during a brief conversation he has with Robin. Robin only consented to help Barney in the first place because he told her if she didn’t he’d post a video of them having sex on the internet.
Robin explains to Barney that Randy’s his rebound bro and even if he could get some girl to take Randy home, it wouldn’t feel as good as what he had with Ted. Barney realizes she’s right and “breaks up” with Randy. Right after this, he learns that Randy was once a cop but lost his job when he shot himself in the foot. Barney manages to use this bit of information to get some girl to take Randy home. He even finds a way to explain the nose-bleed issue by telling the ditzy woman that Randy has a bullet lodged in his sinus. Barney truly is an artist.
Ok, so how long will this Barney/Ted break-up last? This is just like when Lily and Marshall broke up. Only then, it was Barney who came through and brought Lily home. Who will be the one to bring Barney back into the bro-fold?
Here’s a video for those of you who want Robin and Ted to get back together: